(Closed) Mom taking over wedding – MAJOR VENT *** beyond long

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I read your post twice, so I have read it. I think you should just try to be polite, and do things YOUR way in some of the things that are really really important to you.

Post # 6
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

It does suck that she’s trying to turn your wedding into HER day. If you think you can get away with not taking their money, then tell her that you’re sorry, but you can’t accept her financial contribution because of all the strings attached to it. (And, if she continues to try to control through the space…throw her an ultimatum, and see how she likes it.)

Another thing to try would be similar to what the other poster has said. Tell her “you can have control over X, Y & Z, because that is what your money is going towards”, and keep the things that you REALLY care about being the way YOU want them (ex. dress, if that’s important to you; ceremony; etc.) squarely in the zone of “I’m paying, so I get to make the decisions”.

Post # 7
193 posts
Blushing bee

Ah no sorry I wouldnt handle this. I would sit down with them both and say that you have decided to scale down the wedding and give back the money. tell them its your day, yours and your future husbands and you will get married how you want. I know a lot of ppl say parents should have a say in how you get married but really??? We are adults. We decided we would get married. Its our life. if they want a wedding tell them to renew their vowels.

My thoughts are you only get married once (or twice, three times maybe) and its about you commiting your life to another. its yours and your partners day. Make sure you are happy.

Post # 8
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

For what it’s worth, here’s my suggestion:

Sit down with her and say something like:

“Mom, when you don’t let us make decisions about our wedding you make me feel unhappy and I don’t want to be unhappy over our wedding. We really want you to be a part of the wedding and we are SO happy that you want to help out, but we want you to stop making decisions for us because it’s our wedding.”

This emphasises that she’s not only making decisions for you, but for your Fiance too, and that her behaviour is upsetting you and why. Keep your voice calm and firm, don’t get drawn into an argument, if she wants to argue let her, stay calm and be the adult in the room.

If that doesn’t work then you’ve given her a chance to sort things out, then if nothing changes I’d give her her money back and have the wedding how you want it.

Good luck!

Post # 9
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

sent you a PM

Post # 10
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds to me like you are very much like your Mother, and neither of you can really see it. Most of the time, what we don’t like in others are things we don’t like in ourselves.

She is doing this for you, and you’re right in that your first mistake was in agreeing to it if you only wanted everything to be done your way. If this is something that is causing you so much angst, I’d say to cut your losses, decline the use of their property and their money, and do it yourself.

Post # 11
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@noodle4hd: This is good language to use.  I’d also try talking to your dad.  My mom also wants things her way, but I am 30+ now, and it’s easier to say no than my 20+ year old sibs had at their weddings.  (We are also paying for more too.)  I love my mom, know she means well but sometimes she’s frustrating.  So…when in doubt I turn to my rational dad who lies low, doesn’t offer opinions (unless asked for) and only wishes to exercise veto power over something he truly dislikes (said power has yet to be exercised).  And I tell him why I’m upset and I ask him to talk sense into my mom.  And we remain a happy loving family.

Post # 12
1527 posts
Bumble bee

You have to decide how important everything is to you. Is your wedding being how you guys want it important, or is your relationship with your mom more important? You’re definitely in a tight place because you have less control if you have it at your parent’s, but at the same time it’s only one day. 

I would decide what the most important things are to you and sit down and tell your mom you appreciate her suggestions on the other things and understand that she has her own opinions about how your day should be, but these things aren’t up for debate, but you’ll welcome suggestions for “blah blah blah.” 

It’s a tough situation and I’m sorry you’re in it. I’d definitely pick your battles. If you can’t deal with her being a momzilla at all, then tell her you don’t want to use her house NOW, not later. 

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