- 7 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
I’ve gone through pages and pages of posts about brides with insane, crazy, controlling mothers. I was so relieved to see I’m not the only one. My mom has been controlling my entire life, up until maybe 5 years ago–crazy insane fights over me not doing something her way. I finally escaped it all and figured out the secret: no reliance on them for anything, call rarely, keep visits to 24 hours, and stay calm when she flips out, knowing she can’t touch me where I am now. I’m a grown woman, right?
Things were going swimmingly. We respected each other, fights were few, and when they happened, I stayed calm while mom flipped right out. It worked well for me.
And then I got engaged.
For the first few months, it was great. Showered with love and attention. I was so proud of the relationship we’d gained, feeling that it was, in part, my hard work that made any of this pride and good will possible. I mean, my mom didn’t make me stressed any more!
My parents offered to pay a modest, lump sum for the wedding. The FH and I agreed together that we would match it to make it a modest but kinda quirky wedding–so that’s basically one foot in the snare.
The second foot in the snare: I agreed to have the wedding at their super perfect house.
You can all slap your foreheads. I am kicking myself now.
They offered it and at first I refused, anticipating the year of painful working closely with my mom, reopening what was basically a wound that had finally scarred over. But I thought better of it—it would save some money and they really are proud of their house. I thought it would be a gift to them. So I consented and Mom was happy for maybe a day.
And suddenly, we were on the phone every other week. And then weekly. And then the arguments started. Controlling moms don’t want to spend their hard-earned money on ‘quirky’. “You have to decide this ASAP, you can’t do that, your dress choice is weird, I want this caterer, you can’t serve that, those colors are terrible,” blah blah blah. I don’t need to repeat it all because if you read any of the other posts, it’s essentially the same: sourpuss face about anything you suggest, clinging to random wedding details of the past, smirking at suggestions, etc. Oh, an my mom’s personal favorite, the smugness after I come to a conclusion she came to a week earlier.
“Oh, are you saying your mom was right?”
Taking the money was the first problem. I see that now. I really have no qualms giving it back and scaling back the wedding to make it work. I’m crazy about cutting corners and pinching pennies and finding just the right thing for free or cheap or used. I could whip up just about anything on the cheap that I could be proud of.
But the space…oh, geez. To turn down the space would be more than a slap in the face to my parents, both of them. My wedding isn’t until June, but they already did a bunch of work on the house in anticipation of the wedding. I’m talking new siding, expanded the lawn, added a fence, the effing works. They even moved their vegetable garden behind the house. WHO DOES THAT?
First of all, I didn’t ask for any of it. I told them it was perfect the way it was (which is what others have said, too), and mom waved it away, as though it’s a compliment, when it isn’t. I’m effing pissed. Pissed because I feel each fence post has like 10 lbs. of guilt attached to it–because it’s their labor. Labor I didn’t ask for. And because it’s her house, I’m not there to say “STOP MOVING CRAP AROUND!” or “STOP SPREADING BARK DUST YOU DON’T NEED!” I just get to hear the sad details of how they spent a three-day weekend, toiling in their yard in a manner they never would have toiled before.
I understand this guilt thing is a seperate issue. It’s really the intangible cost that may not even exist. if I weren’t paying for a wedding right now, i would consider seeing a counselor.
Anyway, I’m going somewhere with this, really.
So. Now that it’s time to figure out specifics, suddenly, I can’t say a word about any of it. I initally thought I’d just put Mom in charge of the one thing they are paying for (rentals and music) and let her go to town on it–but she’s ignoring me about everything I say. Like, I don’t want an aisle runner. I don’t want flowers on the chairs. I don’t want colored table cloths. It ranges from a flat out ignoring of my statement, to a “we’ll see about that”. Her favorite is “you don’t know what you want” and last night’s “here comes bridezilla” over me insisting on a round cake. A ROUND CAKE–one, what does it matter, and two: I AM PAYING FOR IT.
I don’t know how to differentiate any more between what I am paying for and what she is paying for. The house has “become” the monetary gift and I am back to being a sullen teen, asking for something, being denied, and then shouting and foot stomping in frustration–not over the specific thing, but the fact that she thinks her complete disregard for my wants is okay.
And the worst part–we have to keep talking about this for 8 more months. I have to keep beating up our fragile relationship (which, truly, I don’t want to destroy; I like our rare happinesses, spread out across months).
I keep asking myself: Am I just being difficult? If the result isn’t terrible but just annoying, should I just let it happen?? Is Bridezilla just called that because someone else cares more about table cloths?
Do I just slip back into that warm bath of being controlled because it’s easier and really….it’s just a big party?
(sorry so long–I guess I could, I dunno, keep a diary or something)