Post # 1
My mom has some form of narcissistic personality disorder, so she’s pretty toxic. She wasn’t always like this, but now it’s REALLY coming out as I’m starting wedding planning. My fiance and I looked at venues around our town where we go to school (he’s graduated and I am about to), there was a really nice one that we liked and actually booked it. My mom kept giving suggestions as to where she thought we should have it the whole time we were planning. We went and checked out the ones she liked, but we just didn’t like it as much as the one we looked at near us. So, she got pretty mad we didn’t pick a place in my hometown, and that we are not getting married in a church.
My mom has specific traditions and rituals from where she’s from when it comes to weddings, and she wants me to do those at mine. Some of them I wouldn’t mind, but others are kind of weird to me honestly. She said I haven’t taken any of her suggestions or advice (when to get married, where to get married, etc.) so this is the least I can do for her.. Ouch. I love my mom and I want to make her happy, so hearing this makes me sad, even though I know I shouldn’t feel that way because that’s not fair. She then told me to tell my fiance that if these dont happen, then she’s not coming. What?! I want my mom there more than anything, and it makes me upset that she would even threaten that just because she’s not getting what she wants. It sucks because my fiance is very much the kind of person that would do anything for me, but I know he wouldn’t be happy. I guess to keep things in perspective, my fiance’s family is contributing $1000, my mom and dad also $1000, and then the rest paid by us or ‘sponsors’. Our wedding is going to be around $6000. If that means anything.
Post # 2
Don’t let her blackmail you. Don’t accept her money. Don’t consult her about anything. Have the wedding you and your fiance want. Her not coming would probably improve everything, but she’ll show up in the end, after tormenting you about it if you let her.
I’m sorry your mother won’t give you the loving, cooperative mother/daughter experience you long for, but she won’t. She only does Mother In Charge, It’s All About Mom.
Move. Way. Back.
Post # 3
That’s pretty shitty of her, but I would not give into any demands that go against what you and your fiance want. It’s your wedding, if you dont agree with certain rituals/traditions then you don’t do them.
Do you think your mom would really not come to the wedding or is she just making threats to get what she wants?
Also, what do you mean in regards to “sponsors”?
Post # 4
Sorry that your mother is making your and your fiancé’s day about her. She had her day now it’s time for your day. I say call her bluff and do not share any wedding planning details. Not the venue, the food, the guest list; share nothing with your mother. She sounds like she will complain about everything unless you do what she wants. Also decline the $1000 from your parents. I would rather find a way to cut costs than “owe” someone like your mother anything It’s not a gift if strings are attached. If decides not to come that her decision and hers alone.
Post # 5
This woman has no boundaries. The next time she attempts to call the shots on something you’re not comfortable with, tell her simply and firmly that it’s your wedding, and you just do not want to do x,y,z. If she says she’s not coming (as tough as it may be), tell her that’s too bad and she’ll be missed. With NPD, it doesn’t matter if they’re family- they don’t get to stomp on your fences. It’s just harder when it’s family. If strings are attached with the money situation, it may be worth it to you to say thanks but no thanks- and figure out something else.
Post # 7
Lol I love how the most confusing part of this post is about sponsors rather than her villianous mother.
Bee, is your event an advertisement for vendors? Are they paying you to display their stuff?
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I think sponsors is a cultural thing – I vaguely remember reading something about it before.
Post # 9
Do what you want, let her simmer and refuse to come. Enjoy your life, remove the toxic people from it.
Post # 10
Don’t negotiate or engage with people who are emotional terrorists.
Post # 11
No matter how complicated your relationship with your mother is, you would be very unhappy if she wasn’t at your wedding. Trust me. Write a list of all the issues that are up in the air. Ask her out to lunch just the two of you. Say “Mom, I know you would like some things to be part of our wedding.” Why don’t you pick the 3 most important things on this list that are important to you. Give her a victory and a compromise. Then say, “there are other things here that my fiance and I want to pick.” Can you give us the respect and trust that our wedidng will be beautiful and classy? We want you to be a part of things but we are finding our way as a couple and need to make decisions together. Then stick to this. Mothers have feelings about being cast aside that are not always rational.
Post # 12
If your mom really is a narcissist – You can’t make a narcissist happy. They THRIVE on manipulation. Once they do get what they want, they start in on something else. They’re never satisfied because their brains are wired differently than most people’s. Please try not to drain yourself to make her happy because it’ll never end, it’ll just be onto the next manipulation.
Post # 13
I have one of these. My mother threatened to kill herself on multiple occasions (pleaae don’t think I don’t take this seriously it’s just become a littlw tedious as it is her MO).
DH and I “gave in” to a lot of stuff but still wasn’t enough and never will be. I know it’s easier said than done but you know you’ve done nothing wrong so hold your ground. I also understand that that it’s easy for us to say “don’t take her money” if you’ve already budgeted for it but do consider it. If your mum chooses not to come to your wedding that’s HER choice. I can’t imagine any mother wanting to miss their daughter’s wedding and whilst I wouldn’t suggest calling her bluff per say I would take it with a pinch of salt.
Fwiw my mum didn’t kill herself or try to.
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
My mo mpulled the same thing for the exact same reasons. She threw a huge fit when I told her we were nto having our ceremony in a church.
She screamed, cried, threw a temper tantrum like a child, adamantly refused to attend the wedding and even went so far as to state our marriage would not be a real marriage unless it happened in a church.
I called ehr bluff.
In response to her tantrum I said: “Well, I love you very much, and I would really like to have my mother be there on my wedding day, but I cannot make your choices for you, so I’m sorry you will not be there”.
And now, several months later? She is still upset, still has her idea’s and wants. But understand she does not get to make the decisions. Oh, and she of course is attending the wedding. She never really intended to skip it.
It’s a scare tactic. Call her bluff.
Post # 15
Sponsors? Are you planning to walk down the aisle wearing an advertisement? Your mother is being ridiculous. It’s not her wedding and she’s not paying for it, so her opinion is just an opinion not an order.
She’ll come to the wedding, she’s just throwing a temper tantrum.