Mom threatening not to come to my wedding

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
247 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

To share one of my comments from a previous post.

View original reply
sweetarts445 :  

 

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I have similar issues with my mother.

 

Basically, my happiness depends on her happiness. I can’t have a good job if she’s unemployed….I can’t have a loving partner if she’s single….and so on.

 

I hosted Christmas brunch at my home with my partner and MY family, and went to Christmas dinner with my partner and HIS family, and that wasn’t good enough for my mother. Her approval depends on how she’s feeling and how people treat (read: prioritize) her. She acts happy for me when I accomplish something and she can write it off as good genes, good parenting, or both; if I mess up, it’s my father’s fault, regardless of involvement or pure logic. And if I don’t want to spend time with her, I have “psychological issues”. Recently, my mother has decided she doesn’t like my partner because he called her on her BS, despite 18 months of comments like “how’s my future son-in-law?” and “he’s so sweet”. Her approval changes with the wind.

 

It sounds like our mothers are pretty similar. I suffered through a tumultuous relationship with my mother for years until I finally cut her out of my life to get some fresh air; when I started rebuilding my relationship with her, I sat her down and firmly told her “I cannot and will not be your or anyone else’s punching bag” and laid out the terms of our relationship. Loyalty to family is great but that does not mean you have to support or spend time with anyone who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I was unhappy for years and have finally gotten to a good place, but my mother’s happiness for me is selfish rather than selfless. You need to decide what boundaries you want to set with your mother and explain them to her; don’t be afraid to act on them. I have had to explain to my mother that her angry outbursts and overbearing nature could scare away a loving partner who would bring me happiness, because guys don’t want to stick around that stress for the rest of their lives.

 

If you’re really ready to take your fiance as a husband, you need to prioritize him. If you’re worried that this pressure from your mother will damage your relationship or push him away, you need to set solid boundaries. Trust me, it takes time, but it is worth it. You are starting a new family and this is a time to enjoy, this is when you blend the existing family with the new family and create a new, larger, unique family with nothing but future potential ahead of you. No one should feel like their piece of the pie is smaller, you’re just baking more pies.

Post # 17
Member
1520 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
sweetarts445 :  You already know the answer to your question because you know full well that giving in to her tantrums and demands never ends once you start and doesn’t even give you any peace from her even if you do give in. 

She brings up the topic of her not attending? Simple. You reply with, 

” If you feel that is what is best. ”  

Just keep repeating that to her until she stops, or until you tell her you have to go now and hang up, leave, stop responding etc. 

Basically you accept her resignation when she offers it and call her bluff. YOu know she won’t follow through and not come. You have your wedding exactly how you want and don’t give a second thought to her. Don’t let her guilt you. Simply respond with, too bad you feel that way, well we hope to see you there! and leave it at that. 

Post # 18
Member
26 posts
Newbee

Please dont be worried that she might not show up to your wedding – I promise you this is a complete bluff! This is what narcissists do, and it is just a way to threaten you and make you cave to her demands. She will not be able to avoid everyone in the family looking down on her for not attending. When she threatens, just respond with “you will be missed”. Stand strong and dont even let that worry enter your mind. Move forward with what makes you happy, and I promise you she will show up.

Post # 19
Member
489 posts
Helper bee

Call her bluff – tell her “if you decide not to come to the wedding, you will be missed”.

In the Mexican culture, they have padrinos and madrinas – their puspose is to not only witness the marriage, but also advise the couple through the wedding planning process.

 

Post # 20
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Hi

View original reply
ispeakingifs :  I am so emotional over your comment. I relate 100%. From the future son in-law to disliking him or MY actions. Please tell me how many years did you cut her off for and how did things go once you tried re-building the relationship?

Post # 21
Member
1507 posts
Bumble bee

For everyone asking about sponsors, it is likely a cultural thing. I know in many Hispanic cultures, it is not uncommon to have family members “sponsor” items at weddings and quinceanera’s, such as cakes, centerpieces, dress, etc. It is often a monetary donation to sponsor those items, and can be smaller amount or thousands of dollards. 

OP, I say plan the wedding you and your fiance want. Call her bluff and nip this in the bud. Show her manipulative behavior will not be tolerated. And make sure you and your husband are on the same page and support each other. 

Post # 22
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
sweetarts445 :  Not married yet, but what I can say is that my parents eloped and their moms were extremely unhappy with it all. They tried to brainwash and control my parents to not get married when they announced that they were planning a wedding afterall. They eventually told their parents that either they show up to the wedding or they don’t, but they were going to still follow through on the date they had set, with the planning they have done. They told them it’s their decision if they come, but if they come, they needed to be in a good mood and not with long faces. Both their moms ended up showing up. They knew it was a big day for them and that they would regret not going in the future. 

 

Stand your ground!

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