(Closed) Mom Troubles

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

In a similar situation, my mom insisted we get flowers for the church ceremony. I thought it was unecessary for the 1 hour we would be there. I gave in and ordered them only to learn at the rehearsal that we needed to remove them immediately after the wedding because there was a Sunday wedding the next day who would be bringing in their own flowers so it ended up being more hassle than anything. On top of it, there were 2 funerals the week before my wedding and the priest offered us both sets of flowers which were already on the alter (we turned them down). Needless to say those are all unpredictable but I kind of wish I would have stuck to my guns and not ordered the flowers. I know this is not the same but if you don’t want to do flowers, just explain it to your mom and try to find a solution.

As far as the memorial, could you mention it in your program then you are not drawing attention to it via flowers but it’S clearly acknowledged. We included a line on the last page about remembering those who are no longer with us including…

Post # 5
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Like you said about the dress and veil, you’re just going to have differences with her on that because of personal tastes. The memorial situation however, I agree with you on. I’d stick with the memorial candle by the guest book. A good friend of mine got married last year, but a few years before, she lost her mother, whom she was very close with. At her wedding, she had a memorial candle and a pretty framed photo of her mother on the table with the guest book, and I thought it was just beautiful and sweet. It really showed how much she was cared for and it made it feel as though she was present at the wedding in a way. 

It sounds like your mom is just having a hard time missing your grandpa and is maybe stressed about the wedding and her daughter being married off- it could just be hard for her to let go, so she’s expressing that in different ways. Explain to her why you think that having the memorial candle is best and that even though you appreciate her ideas and her help, that you prefer the candle approach for your wedding. When she says things like ” what would you stupid mother know”, call her on it- tell her you don’t think that, and ask her why she’d say something like that. I think you could probably get to the real root of the issue instead of letting her brood about it if you did. Like I said, she’s probably just not handling the loss and the stress well. I hope you can work things out with her. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have had a similar experience with my mom- more so when my groom and I were dating, but she has seemed to come around more closer to the wedding. I actually chose the dress she liked on me better than the one I truly loved, so when it came to choosing a veil, I decided I wanted a blusher. She was not thrilled with this since she saw me with a veil that my bridal consultant put on me. She has been pretty vocal about it, but I decided that I wasn’t going to beat myself up over it, and know that depsite what veil or dress I wear, it will be an amazing, beautiful day for the both of us.

 

My mother lost her mom 3 years ago and even our relationship has strained since. I know it is more of an inner struggle for her, but I lost my grandma, too. I haven’t decided what to do as far as a memorial for my grandma’s. Like stated earlier, I don’t want it to be like a funeral, but an acknowledgement that they are thought about. I’m sure anything that you (we) choose will be lovely!

Post # 8
Member
6824 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I guess I see nothing wrong with the flowers. We did a memorial flower arrangement. Really all it was a flower arrangement, more like someone gives you than a funeral arrangement that was at the alter with us. 

I chose the arrangement and vase and it was average in size. 

But it is your wedding, you should be able to do what you want.

Post # 10
Member
2262 posts
Buzzing bee

I like the idea of having remembrance candle instead of the flowers, which would really out of place if they are not something you plan on having already.

However, I wouldn’t totally disregard your mother’s feelings entirely. Maybe a good compromise would be to talk to her about doing something privately to remember your grandfather as well. Maybe using an old handkerchief of his in your bouquet or perhaps saying a small prayer together with your mother before the ceremony? This way she can’t accuse you of not doing enough and it also makes her a little happier too.

Post # 11
Member
46404 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

One of the challenges we all deal with as we grow up is dealing with differences of opinions with our mothers.

Unfortunately, she couldn’t see her way clear to keep her opinions to herself, if she couldn’t support your choices.

Don’t dwell on it, or let her undermine your confidence about your decisions.

In the grand scheme of things and in years to come, all of these will be insignificant items.

 

Post # 12
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Bubu82: There seems to be no other way to compromise with her on this so I would stick to your original plan. I know that there is hurt and pain there (Which makes it hard) but you should do what you feel is best.

 

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