(Closed) Mom Troubles

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Oh wow, I’m really sorry your mom is being so elusive. This is a really sucky situation. I don’t really have any great advice for you. It sounds as though you really need to talk to your mom ASAP and get to the bottom of this. If you can’t afford the dress yourself, she’s the one who will be out $1500 and I can’t imagine whe would be happy with that. Can you have the people at the store call your mom directly? Maybe they can talk some sense into her.

Post # 4
624 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry you are going through this!  ((HUGS))

The only thing that comes to my mind is CYA- cover YOUR ass.  I would go on my own and try to find a dress within my orignal budget (under $1000, right?) that way you aren’t dress less the day of.  For me, (this may sound harsh) she’s made it obvious that she’s going to do what she wants and you can’t control that.  You can’t control her not paying the last half of the dress, you can’t control her involvement in the wedding and you can’t control the fact that she said she’s moving to NM.  From what you have written She has done things like take a car (a graduation present) away from me, not pay for my class ring, forget to pay for my prom dress but all of that has been forgiven but this is a bigger deal she uses the money to dangle it over your head so I say focus on what you and your Fiance want from now on.  You guys decide on flowers, favors, etc. with out her.  I know it’s sad that your mom doesn’t seem interested but the world shouldn’t stop because of her actions.

Post # 5
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m sorry to hear that she is being difficult.  My brother and his wife just went through this same thing with her mom.  She first told them she would give them 10K plus pay for the wedding dress, party favors and bridesmaids gifts.  Then a few months into the planning after deposits and contracts etc had been done she gets mad at her daughter and says she’s not giving them 10k any more now she’s only going to give them 8k.  When it was all said and done, she never gave them cash. She did pay for the wedding dress, party favors and bridesmaids gifts. But my brother and SIL were budgeting around her 10K.  So my parents and brother chipped in more money to cover the expenses.  It really was awful to see how it made my SIL feel.  Just like her she had a hard time being mad because she didn’t want to seem ungrateful for what has already been done. 

I wouldn’t worry with her moving to another state. She knew the wedding plans before she made the plan to move.  As for the dress. I agree with northernazbride have the store call her directly.  If that doesn’t work ask them if there is a payment plan you can make, then try to find other areas you can cut back on to make up the difference.

 Good luck, I know it isn’t fun to not have her support.

Post # 7
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m so very sorry.  I agree with the above posters about finding another dress you can afford.  It [email protected]$ks that you have to, but the day of will be all about you and your Fiance and you won’t care what you’re wearing or how you paid for it.

It does sound like your mom is rather controlling, and has used her "generosity" to keep you clinging to her over the years.  I can actually relate to feeling shy about talking about how awful she’s being b/c you want to protect her.  But seriously, she’s being awful to you and you do not need to protect her.  She’s created this situation; she’s asked for those consequences.  It’s great that you’re talking to your Fiance about this.  I sometimes go through the same thing b/c my parents can be extremely difficult, then I realize that I’m hurting my relationship to protect them…and they are not even being very nice to me.  I think some of it stems from embarassment aruond how is it even possible for your mother to treat you that way.  And is it possible you also take it personally, like there’s something wrong with you that she treats you this way?  I could be projecting, but I have felt that way too.

I guess my read on your post is that the dress situation is annoying, but your bigger frustration is feeling so hurt about how your mom is acting.  I think it’s helpful to really step back and be like, "Wow, my mom must have some really deep issues that she can’t even be nice to her daughter at her wedding.  This is not about me.  I love her and her flaws, but I won’t let them ruin my day.  It’s sad she can’t enjoy this, but I sure will."  I don’t get the impression that she’s ever been able to enjoy any of the great moments in your life…and that’s kind of sad for her (and for you, I know).  but you have a great partner who does, and that’s what your wedidng will be about.

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