Post # 1
i am trying to navigate through my biggest wedding dilemma to date.
here’s the history–
My dad recently married about 3 years ago. I am the youngest of four and was about 21 at that time. My beef with his wife is that she had sent a majorly rude and disgusting text to my mother. She claims that she meant to send that text to another woman, but it was clearly a peronal attack toward my Mom.. My relationship with dad has stayed relatively the same, but any variance is due to the new marriage. My parents are still disputing alimony (or lack thereof) in court, so I am always hearing from my mother of him “stealing” her money. They started a business together but she let him keep it with the condition that he’d pay her a fixed rate monthly.
here’s my problem–
My mom refuses to attend the wedding if any of stepmom’s kids are present. Thy are all adults and I’ve only seen the youngest a handful of times and the others once (at dad’s wedding). My mom understands that she has to tolerate stepmom attending my wedding, but mom is now threatening that she won’t attend if step’s kids are there. Her argument is that my dad has abandoned his biological family and it’s unfair, esp. for my brothers, that he will be parading around with his “new and improved” family.
I gave each of my parents 10 guests. Dad’s only guests are his 3 stepkids. I don’t particularly care for them, but I feel awful for asking my dad not to bring them. I want him to have fun and be happy, but at the cost of my mother’s attendance??
Post # 3
Not to sound harsh here but I would tell me mom to buck up and act like an adult. She can ignore the step-kids, she doesn’t have to interact with them at all. She would really miss her daughters wedding because some people she didn’t like came?
Post # 5
I’m sorry to say this, but your mom needs to put on her big girl panties and suck it up. Your father has remarried, so they are now a family unit. I’ve said this before, but weddings are where precedents are set. If you allow this behavior now, she’ll do the same thing when it’s time for your children, birthday parties, etc. Encouraging bad behavior does not make it stop. Gently and politely tell her that his family, including his children (step children or not, doesn’t matter) are all invited. Say that you hope she will be able to accept and understand this, and if she cannot, you will miss her terribly at the wedding. No getting upset and crying, just a calm statement.
Post # 7
Unfortunately, weddings do cause hurt feelings to surface for a lot of people. I do not however, think that gives these people the right to blackmail the bride to get their way.
I would tell my Mom that I am sorry, but she doesn’t get to dictate my Dad’s guest list anymore than he gets to dictate hers. I would also tell her that it is very hurtful for her to behave this way. No child should have to choose which parent to offend.
I expect all of them to behave like civil adults at the wedding.
Post # 8
I agree with PPs. You mom needs to act like an adult and realize that this day has nothing to do with her and her problems with your dad.
Post # 9
I agree with your mom. These kids were not siblings to you. In fact, you have very little relationship, so I cannot understand why they would be there.
My step moms kids were not invited. It was hard enough for my mother having the other woman there. I think your dad needs to change his guests to some friends or co-workers.
I finally got my dad to scrounge up a few guests, but he still couldn’t fill a table.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I agree with PPs. Mom needs to set aside her issues for the wedding. I wouldn’t even have another discussion about it. I would inform mom that the stepkids are invited and that is the end of it. Make sure you seat your parents as far apart as possible at the ceremony and reception.
Post # 12
@MrsTVLover: +1 Looks like we are in the minority here, but I agree with the mom. Especially since you are not even close to her children.
Post # 13
@Sea_Ashley: It sounds pretty similar to my situation. I think it’s totally inappropriate for her dad to think he can bring his new wife’s children to a family event. Ridiculous!
ETA: I agree your mom is going about this the wrong way, but I think her feelings should be really taken into account here. Especially if she is not remarried or bringing a date.
Post # 14
My fiance’s $0.02 are that I have to fundamentally decide who is more important: mom v. dad’s stepkids. He thinks I should simply not extend an invitation to the step kids – problem solved.
After lots of introspection, I am more inclined (at the moment) to not invite the step children. Their presence has the potential to create an unforgivable degree of negativity (for me personally), while their absence will have no affect on my day. They are grown adults in their mid to late 20’s and they haven’t even reached out to me to congratulate us on the engagement. And fiance popped the question over 2 years go! Like I said, the only reason why they are being considered is at my dad’s request. Dad will have his extended family, my siblings, plus the 10 guest allowance I’ve given him.
I’m sorry if I am flip flopping from my OP, but I am very conflicted and am slowly piecing my thoughts and emotions together through this thread.
I really appreciate the honest opinions all!!
Post # 15
I agree your mom isn’t handling this the best way, but your not even close with the step-kids. My dad has been with his g/f for 5 years or so, I grew up across the street from h er and her kids. I didn’t invite them to our wedding, and I wasn’t invited to theirs. I haven’t seen them in years.
Post # 16
@sarangeo: Unfortunately I think you made a mistake when you let each parent choose 10 guests. Your dad’s stepkids are not close to you in any way, and really have no business being at your wedding. I agree they shouldn’t be invited.
I suggest you toss out the “10 guests each” offer. Instead, ask each of them who they would like to invite, and you look at them on a case by case basis, depending on how close they are to YOU. e.g. The next neighbour who saw you grow up? Yes, because you know them. Your mom or dad’s work partner? No, because you’ve virtually never met them. And stepmother kids? No, because you hardly know them either.
EDIT: Though it may be too late for this. If you don’t think you can do that, or just want them there (for the sake of your dad) then you just invite them all and let tell your mom she’ll have to put up with it, and anyway she’ll be surrounded by 10 of her friends. I agree this is a difficult situation!