Post # 1
my wedding is in 12 days. I know my mom has been feeling anxious about seeing my step mom at the wedding, My dad left my mom for her, and my mom 20 years later is stil bitter and not over it, and sees my step mom as ruining her life.
i am doing what I can to separate them. different sides of the aisle. far apart reserved reception tables.
but….my step mom wants to come help set up the venue at 9am…my bridesmaids and I will be there setting up…as well as my MOM. I do need the help. but the brides room is small and I am just not sure what to do!? help!
Post # 3
@mb0384: Hi dear!
Fair warning: you may get some posts that will say your “mom needs to get over it”. However they’ve probably never felt the pain of adultry and rejection. It stings.
For the sake of your mother, as this is HER daughter’s wedding day, you need to kindly tell stepmother that you’ve already got that taken care of and she does not need to come.
“Stepmother, thank you for that but we’ve already have enough help”
If you keeps asking I would bluntly tell her “I need to consider my mother”.
If she does come, you will be too nervous to do any work because you will be looking after your mother.
How is their relationship overwise??
Post # 4
I don’t know what I would do but you should really think about what is more important to you. Having a drama free morning or getting some extra help. Will your mom make a scene, will your step mom make a scene if she isn’t included? How close are you to step mom?
What about finding a compromise and have her come help set up and then leave when it is time for everyone to get ready? I wish I could help but I just don’t know much about the situation. Have you asked your mom how she would feel about her being there?
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@mb0384: My mom and stepmom are in a similar situation. I solved it by having the GMs set up along with our DOC. If I needed the BMs to set up and the moms can’t be in the same room then I would just have my mom. I would apologize to my stepmom about it but at the end of the day, my mom is my mom and I would respect on this one and not force her to spend extra time with my stepmom. They are both expectd to deal with each other and be on their best behavior with one another at the ceremony and reception.
Post # 6
I agree with telling SM, we have it covered, and keep repeating. If she is so is so dense she doesnt understand, then she is not undersrtanding and should then be told, no my mom and the BMs have it covered.
Post # 7
@LuvMySailor: + 1
As tempting as it is to accept the help — and acknowledging that you may actually have good relationship with your stepmom and want her there — I think your Mom’s feelings & anxiety should be taken into account.
Post # 8
@mb0384: Before I respond in greater detail, I would like to ask a question. Are your father and stepmother hosting and/or paying for part of your wedding and/or reception?
Post # 9
Oh please, even if dad and SM is paying, I would strongly suggest to SM that she not be part of the set up group.
Post # 10
No way, you need to respect your mom’s feelings and tell your stepmother that you don’t need any more help.
Post # 11
I would be nice to stepmom as she’s only trying to help. Weddings tend to bring on a lot of emotion. You seem to have a good rapport with stepmom & at the end of the day, dad left & has been gone for 20 years. So, yes, tell her that you don’t need any help. And put something special in place for mom, bigger corsage, special chair cover or sash so she knows she’s the Qyeen Bee, but don’t make stepmom feel badly for being helpful.
Post # 12
@LuvMySailor: +1 she isnt needed and frankly given the history she should know better.
Post # 13
@mb0384: I would take your mom to the side and tell her while you love her and understand why it would be so painful to see your step mom it would mean so much if she could put that aside for the wedding and focus on you and you in return will make sure step mom is on her best behavior. I think your mom should understand this and having a pre-situation talk with her will help her remember she is keeping calm cool and collected for her daughter on one of the biggest days of her life. Then, I would have the same talk with step mom in the way of “I know this is awkward and uncomfortable but if you could set that aside for one day I really appreciate your help and want you there but lets all get along on such a special day” and she should feel obligated then to try her best to behave as well. Good luck!
Post # 14
@LuvMySailor: my step mom and i get along great. she knows my mom does not like her…its hard because my dad and step mom paid for everything so i hate to tell her not to come early… 🙁
Post # 15
@Brielle: this is whats key, is my dad and step mom paid for everything..so makes it more complex 🙁
Post # 16
Thanks everyone! I do have a good relationship with my step mom- i just emailed her this… waiting for a response..wish me luck:
I was thinking a little more about the morning of the wedding. I know I recruited you guys to help, but would it be ok for you to arrive closer to 10:30? I am thinking this might be better, because I know my mom is feeling pretty anxious about things and it might give her some time to settle in, and I know she wants to feel helpful so the set up would be a good opporunity for her to contribute. I also recruited two girlfriends to come help that morning in addition to my bridesmaids. Grooms mom should arrive around 10:30. I want things to be comfortable for you & my dad and for my mom. And I am really appreciative of all of your willingness to help, I am thinking it would work out well to have my mom help with set up and you and my dad with the end of the night round up. Does that sound ok?