(Closed) Mom wants me to notify relatives they are not invited

posted 4 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I normally agree that this is super rude to let people know like that, but if your family is talking about timeshares and your mom is refusing to even correct people’s assumptions then you don’t have much of a choice. I don’t think it’s necessary to tell every single person, just the ones who you’ve heard talking about it. Let them know that you’ve heard some plans flying around and you just wanted it to be clear. In addition to gossipy members, tell other people around your age who understand how hard it is to plan a wedding and put a guest list together. When they bring up your wedding, just be straightforward that you’re trying to keep it small so the whole family won’t be invited. Repeat “I really hope everyone will understand and respect our decision.” If they fight it, “I’m disappointed you don’t respect our choices, but our mind is made up.”

Post # 3
Member
30393 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It would be rude to tell people “Just want to let you know that you aren’t invited to the wedding.”

Instead, prepare yourself so you can respond when discussions about the wedding arise.

For the aunt and uncle “We need you to know that we will be having a smaller wedding and won’t be able to invite everyone with whom we would like to celebrate. Please don’t make plans until the invitations are received.”

Start spreading the word now, so people will know this is not the usual family reunion wedding.

Post # 6
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

You could send out early save the dates, specifically naming those that are invited? It’d probably open up a number of conversations.

Post # 7
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I think you just need to start with the aunt and uncle that you heard talking about the timeshare. I am assuming you told them at that time that their kids are not on the guest list. That will probably go a long way towards preventing similar misunderstandings, since that aunt and uncle will probably correct any of their relatives who start making assumptions about who is invited. Another thing you could do is get out save the dates to your invitees quickly, and the people who don’t receive them may realize they aren’t on the list. 

Post # 10
Member
1117 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

My DH had the same issue. He has a massive extended family and had to draw a hard line at immediate family and aunts/uncles. It went over pretty well, with the exception of a couple of people.

What he did was this: once we knew our guest list, he sent an e-mail to all of those impacted and explained why we had to take the approach that we did. As it was, his guest list was 2x the size of mine. LOL! He explained that it was a smaller venue and that we unfortunately couldn’t invite the entire family. And that we would see them all this summer at the family reunion. It was mostly well received. One aunt was REALLY upset that one of her daughters and her daughter’s husband and their daughter weren’t invited. But, ya know, none of the other cousins were.

When we saw them a couple of weeks ago at a graduation party, it was a little bit awkward, but oh well. We literally didn’t have another seat at the venue.

Post # 11
Member
30393 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
lobstalover :  If your Mom wants to be rude, let her do it. Etiquette is clear on this situation. Invitations are for those who are invited. You don’t notify people that they won’t be invited.

It gets easier if you practice. Start with the aunt and uncle you spoke with this weekend.

Post # 13
Member
1117 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
lobstalover :  If you have their mailing address, you can achieve the same effect by drafting up a letter and mailing it out.

DH emailed all of his aunts/uncles. They then got the information to their children themselves. The one aunt who was mad just emailed saying “I think there’s been a miss, as your cousin so-and-so didn’t receive an invite”. What was odd, is that there are 5 cousins from that one aunt/uncle and she was only worried about this one, but it’s also the “favorite” child.  This aunt is known as the grumpy aunt who always has something negative to say, so it didn’t phase us too much. She also complained to my coordinator several times during the wedding itself about when dinner would be served because she needed to eat and get on the road back home. *eyeroll*

Post # 14
Member
251 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
julies1949 :  This!

It’s awkward, yes, to be in the know that people are assuming they’re invited…. but it’s rude to tell someone without them asking that they aren’t invited. Send out your STDs, and allow that to spark the conversation. It’s really too bad your mother is in essence encouraging the assumption by not speaking up when she should. 

We had some family members that made the same assumption for us. Namely, no kids were invited as we literally did not have the extra 40 seats it would have required. People wrote in their kids regardless, and then they got to have a fun chat with me on that their kids are still not invited and we don’t have seats for them. Most people though were aware of the rule that if you’re not on the invitation,  you aren’t invited. Did they bitch behind my back at my mom? Yup. Did I care? Nope. Unless they gave me money for the wedding, it really wasn’t their decision to make, and it was more rude of them to be pushy about it than anything. 

Post # 15
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
lobstalover :  Don’t let that aunt intimidate you sweetie, let her be really mad and opinionated all she wants, she sounds like she’s used to getting her own way by bullying people. And your mom’s passive aggressive punishing you for not having the wedding SHE and her relatives want/ expect is just a different form of intimidation. Your mom seems to spitefully relish the flack she expects you to get. Or maybe she’s hoping you’ll cave under pressure. You DO NOT have to inform people they’re not being invited, that’s just awkward to approach someone and tell them that- however if they bring it up, mention timeshares etc, then you should be honest with them.

You and your Fiance aren’t doing anything wrong and you’re not singling out a few people to be deliberately excluded, you’ve simply decided (for reasons that are none of anyone else’s business) to have a small intimate wedding and I feel a reasonable person should understand and accept this. And refuse to cater to or be drawn into drama with the unreasonable ones, they’re far too used to being catered to because they’re bullies. 

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