(Closed) Mom wants me to notify relatives they are not invited

posted 4 years ago in Guests
Post # 16
Member
2094 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly, I would just talk to that Aunt directly, and then I would make a generalized statement on Facebook as a status and say how you have just narrowed down your venue, it will be a small affair/space is limited, and save the dates are forthcoming to all those invited. And throw in something about if anyone has any questions to please message you. That way you don’t have to call anyone out, but you can set the expectation. If someone comments, you can take it up with them individually. 

Post # 17
Member
490 posts
Helper bee

Imagine this: “Hi Linda, This is Biffy’s Mother Ellen. Thought I’d give you a head’s up. You aren’t invited to Biffy and Bob’s wedding”. Or “Hi Linda, This is Biffy. You aren’t invited to my wedding to Bob.” Words fail me.

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Post # 18
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would probably just tell that aunt who was talking about it (and be ready with a comment if asked again so you can head it off)

something like call her up and say “hey aunt joan – I wasn’t sure what the plan was last week when we saw you but I wanted to let you know that due to our plans for the wedding we are only going to be inviting you and uncle Alex. We love cousins X Y and Z but unfortunately we just couldn’t make that work.”

I would assume she will be taken aback but polite and say something like oh well we understand thank you

but if not (and she starts with well cousin X looks up to you like a sister and we have known you since you were a baby and…) then you can just shut it down and say something like “Tthis was a really difficult decision but I know that it is for the best for Fiance and I”

I would be that in ten minutes from the call everyone will know and you won’t have to worry about making any other calls

 

Post # 19
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds Like you are in a very unfair position to be in. If someone hasn’t suggested it already, you could live stream your wedding for those who couldn’t come. 

Post # 20
Member
619 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
lobstalover :  This is super awkward. I would tell my mom to deal with her family however she sees fit, meaning she can call them to specifically tell them they’re not invited if she thinks that’s the best way. Ordinarily you wouldn’t contact anyone just to inform them they’re not invited. Your extended family should not be making assumptions about who is invited, but it is understandable. Unfortunately you would have to just tell the aunts and uncles that you’re on a strict guest list restriction at your venue and the cousins aren’t invited in response to the time share conversation. Traditionally people find out if they’re invited or not by an invitation they do or don’t get sent. No invitation = not invited. It’s not rocket science. 

 However, there will be a fall out from this. You just have to weigh the pros and cons and decide which is most important to you — having the wedding YOU want or having family peace and the wedding they want. Expect a few aunts and uncles to not come because their adult children weren’t invited. 

 You cannot control the fact that people will assume that you’re having a small wedding because you can’t afford a big one, and FYI it’s way more tactful to say “due to budgetary restrictions, only 45 people are invited…” instead of saying “we only wanted people there who are important to us and you don’t make the cut.”

Post # 21
Member
490 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
Geekchick42 :  I see your point but Live Stream still says, “You aren’t good enuff to be here but you can watch at home on the computer. Don’t forget the popcorn and coke!”

Post # 22
Member
24 posts
Newbee

Please do not email people to tell them they are not invited to the wedding! Miss Manners is rolling over in her grave. 

It kind of sounds like your mom is trying to pressure you into inviting more relatives. “If I make her email all the relatives that they aren’t invited, she’ll just breakdown and invite them.” LOL! Mothers are so evil. Don’t do it! Your wedding, your guest list. Send the STDs and if anyone asks you why Cousin JimBob didn’t get his invite yet, state “We’re having a small wedding” and stop. That is reason enough and will satisfy all sane people. Anyone it does not satisfy, well, now you know who the crazies are! Just give them the side-eye, including your blessed mother (I have a very similar one), and change the subject.

Honestly, several if not most of my first cousins got married without inviting me and I could care less, except that I was happy they got married! If you only send a Christmas card to them and do not have email, phone, or regular communication at all, they probably don’t expect a wedding invite, especially to what sounds like a small destination wedding. Stick to your guns! Your very polite, but deadly guns. You got this.

Post # 23
Member
490 posts
Helper bee

Have you considered having a simpler reception and having more people? Hurt feelings can last a lifetime.

Post # 24
Member
3117 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
lobstalover :  Do not, I repeat DO NOT EVER inform people that they’re not invited to the wedding. They’ll get the message when they don’t receive an invite. That’s super rude.

However, if somebody makes a comment to you or your mother assuming that they’re invited when they’re not, you should gently correct them. Advise them not to make any travel plans because it will be a small intimate, affair and the guest list has not yet been finalized.

Btw, your mom is out of line for spreading misinformation that you can’t afford the wedding she so obviously wants you to have. But that’s a separate issue. 

Post # 25
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Omni Bedford Springs Resort

The absence of an invitation *should* be all anyone needs to realize that they aren’t invited, BUT Fiance and I just had one of his aunts who is invited assume that she could bring 8 extra people with her who were not on the guest list ( her kids, their spouses, and the grandchildren).  We had to shut that down.  One way we tried to do that in advance of sending out invites was to specifically list each person by name on the response card.  There was no option to do write ins or for them to put down a number of how many are coming.  Good luck!

Post # 26
Member
9565 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
lobstalover :  your mom is totally wrong. That would be so rude. Also- its passive aggressive of her to not help you! I think you tell a few key matriarchs and let them spread the word. Like, perhaps call your aunts (who are invited) and explain that youre having a small wedding with only immediate, close family and you hope all the 2nd/removed etc cousins will understand and forgive you!

No offense to the PP but I definitely would not announce on FB at large that STDs are coming out and youve made your selections. That will make your problem of hurt feelings/ expectations much worse. 

 

Post # 27
Member
2886 posts
Sugar bee

I get this. We’re having a small wedding (in my opinion) of 100 people. I would have liked it to be smaller than that, but at that number it’s immediate family and some family friends. A lot of people in our church group have made comments about attending the wedding, or a few that they’re in a hard spot financially and may struggle with getting a gift. I haven’t said anything, because it’s super awkward, but only one couple in the group will be invited. We just don’t have the room. To host all of the couples in the church group would add 25 people at least. I’m just going to not say anything and send out invitations as normal. They’ll know when they don’t get an invitation, but I have made offhanded remarks that the wedding will be small and intimate to kind of notify them indirectly.

Post # 28
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Get your save the dates out as soon as you can.  That should clear up some confusion.  If anyone makes a comment in front of you about attending the wedding when they are not invited, then gently correct them by saying you are actually planning a very small affair with a very limited guest list of immediate family only.  Please don’t reach out to people in any way to tell them they arent invited.  If they do something presumptuous this far in advance, it is their own fault.  It would help if your mother also corrected people when they speak with her, but she us out of your control.

Post # 29
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sorry, but your mum is being a bitch about this. She hates your decision and is not only taking a “You’ve made your bed …” attitude, she’s actually trying to make it tougher on you.

Do NOT inform people they haven’t got an invite. Do you have a sympathetic cousin or someone in the family, who also won’t make the list, who could subtly get the news out on your behalf? E.g. “Poor Lobsta! You know they are paying for everything themselves? Well I get the impression her mum’s giving her a hard time about the small guest list. I mean I’d love to see her married and all, but I wouldn’t want her to start married life with a shed load of debt. It’s their wedding, loads of people just elope these days!”

💐

Post # 30
Member
444 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
merrymargaret : No. If Sally Secondcousin wants to hold a lifelong grudge because she wasn’t invited to a wedding, that’s her problem and I wouldn’t want much to do with her anyway. 

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