(Closed) Mom wants me to pay for half now…LONG POST sorry!

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

So sorry you’re going through this stress. I think you have every right to control the guest list from here on out. However, you can’t take people off the guest list that were invited to the e-party. That’s just not right. You need to leave these people on and find ways to cut others off the list. You just need to explain to your mother that you appreciate her contribution to the wedding – but that she can’t “buy” the seats for her friends. If she wishes to help you that’s awesome, but you can’t afford to be paying for all these “extras” with your money.

 

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Honestly,  if this were me I would tell my mom what you just told us. That if you are paying for 1/2, and that is fine, but you are going to be making some changes.  Invite the people you want to invite (how many is it if its the people you want and the engagement party people? maybe that will work).  I would ask your mom since they are your friends to explain to them that the budget and circumstances have changed that that you are so excited they came to the engagement party, but the wedding is now going to be much more intimate.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

I know a lot of people would disagree with me, but I think that the more money you, personally, invest in something like this, the more say you have over it. 

 

How much have you talked to her about it? Have you mentioned this idea to her? To me, that would be the first step. 

Post # 7
Member
14656 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Another concern that comes to mind is that if you try to say that you have to pay half now and want to take over control of the guest list since you have to pay, what if she says, ok, your guest list, your wedding, you pay for it all and she wants to pull out the rest of the money and you have to pay everything yourself?  Sounds unreasonable, but its possible?

Post # 9
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

It will be a hard conversation to have, but it will avoid a lot of resentment on everybody’s part in the end. 

 

Another alternative I thought about was, if she still made you pay half, cut down the affiar to be within that budget (which seems possible if you want to cut a 200+ person affair down to 75ish) and have her pay for any friends or family members she wants to include, but this seems like it would only generate bad blood and is a bit immature. The advantage, however, is that you seem a bit timid and unwilling to go against you mother. While I think it is important that you always love and respect your parents, I think she seems to be strugging to understand that you are an adult-an equal, not a subordinate, and that you should have equal if not a majority say in what goes on at your wedding. With equal financial responsibility comes equal say in the elements of the wedding. 

 

(Sorry if this comes off as slightly mean, it really isn’t intended to)

Post # 10
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Cut the guest list

Post # 13
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

good for you!

Post # 14
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Your mother has stuffed you around by going back on her word.  Be gentle and explain it to her.  I don’t think you should cut her friends out as they came to your engagement.  Discuss with your mother how she thinks it’s going to work. Good luck hun.

Post # 15
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

It seems you have cut your guest list, however, something to consider is customs. Often, it is the friends of your parents who believe in the cutom of giving a gift to cover one’s plate. So, if this is how her guests behave, you would get a “return” on your “investment” and thus, they may not be a bad financial decision. I know you should not count on gifts to pay for a wedding, but it is realistic and you will ahve some idea if they gave you engagement gifts. I would feel really bad not inviting people who attended an engagement party. I also think it is legit to want a smaller, more intimate wedding. Good luck in planning with your mom.

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