(Closed) Mom wants my brother, SIL, & FSIL in the wedding

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: Who's in?
    Brother, SIL, & FSIL added to bride's side in place of friends side (3 of 5) : (0 votes)
    5 Friends only for bride's side (honor other family members with other ceremony moments) : (21 votes)
    70 %
    SIL & FSIL + friends on bride's side, ask FI to add Brother (growing to 6 on each side) : (9 votes)
    30 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3886 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Who’s paying?

    Post # 4
    Member
    847 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    @fishbone:  This!  That really does matter in this particular situation.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1638 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @waitingwonderland: I would talk to your siblings to get their reaction. I would honestly call them and see if they want to be in the wedding. I say include only those people who are close to you, not matter who is paying for the weddingl. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    370 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    This may complicate your situation even more, but if you have your Fiance include your brother, and all of your SIL’s are included, have you considered how that might make his sister feel?  I also have a sibling ten years different in age, and I assure you, I’d understand if they weren’t doing the whole family being in the wedding thing. However if they were including three family members from the other family in the bridal party, I’d feel like our entire family was being treated second class if no one from our side was included.

    Post # 7
    Member
    595 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I think that you should decide who YOU wantpen your bridal party regardless of who is paying. You need to stand you ground on this. Even if you mom is helping to pay, money has no bearing on the bridal party. It is not your moms wedding AND she said that she did not want to be involved play eloping to plan your wedding.

    Post # 8
    Member
    692 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    Um no. Put your foot down.

    He can choose who he wants on his side, and if he wants family, that’s HIS choice.

    YOU choose who you want on your side.

    I faced similar problems. I felt guilty for not including FI’s family on my side. But at the end of the day, I don’t want a HUGE bridal party, and I want to pick the people I am closest to.

    Post # 9
    Member
    705 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @Handful:  No.  If her mother is paying, she has no ground to stand on.  OP says “no siblings and that’s final” mom can say “Ok then I am taking back my thousands of dollars” and rightly so.  Weddings are very expensive and contributing to throwing one is a huge deal.  You don’t deserve or have a right to a wedding.  Whoever is paying gets a say in how that money is spent and the type of event that money is being used to throw.  

    OP, really you have to decide whether or not this battle is worth fighting.  If you choose to fight it, you’re going to have to fight it to the bitter end, assuming that you are Fiance are paying for this.  If you don’t want to spend the time and energy on this fight, then add those people to your wedding parties.  I’d probably add FI’s sister as well so she doesn’t feel left out.  Uneven sides are not that big of a deal, so that is an option you have also.

    Another solution is to forego the wedding party entirely.  Allow your friends to still take on the pre wedding parties (I’ve thrown 3 bachelorette parties and have never been a bridesmaid) and help you out but allow them to wear their own clothes and sit down during the ceremony.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2459 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    @zomgwut:  I’m sorry but just because a family member has offered to financially help out, does not mean they get to dictate the whole day????

    Post # 11
    Member
    1629 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    You don’t have to have the same number…. Looking back I wish I had 7 to his 5 and not have two of my important people not in.

    Post # 12
    Member
    705 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @simpleandchic:  Yes.  You are not entitled to money for a wedding and thus, if someone gives you money for that wedding, then you are obligated to respect their wishes or risk losing the money that they have contributed.  No one can make your parents kick in money for a wedding and even if they promised a certain amount, they can back out of that at anytime for any reason that they feel is worth it.  What would you do if they did back out of paying?  Never speak to them again?  Hold your breath until you passed out?  Try to sue them without being laughed out of the lawyer’s office?  You’re stil out however much they were giving you and you’ve got to figure that out.  If someone is paying, you run the risk of having to do things the way they want them done or else losing the money that they are giving you.  It’s how the world works.  Sometimes family is totally cool and wedding money is handed over with no strings attached.  Mostly it’s not that way though.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    5475 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    First, you don’t need even sides.  If it eliminates drama, then just ask who you want and let him ask who he wants.

    Second, how far away is your wedding?  It’s best to wait until 9 or 10 months away from the wedding as relationships change, and unfortunately weddings to tend to bring out the worst in friends 🙁

    Third, if having a wedding party is going to start WWIII, then just don’t have any wedding party.  Or just have one person stand up with each of you.  Remember, being invited as a guest is still quite an honor!

    Post # 16
    Member
    356 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I’ve been doing a lot of time contiplating my wedding party as well.  I feel like some people think that family is who should be in your bridal party, and some people think it should be the people you are closest to.  In 10 years from now, will you still be friends with the girls you chose? If yes, then definatley have them.  If not, its best to chose family, because no matter what they will always be there. I feel for you, its really a hard decision.  If I had to make that decision, I would add your Brother, sister, and Future Sister-In-Law.  People say you should do what YOU want, but that is so much easier said then done.  I’m all about the drama free route!

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