Post # 1
So I’ll skip the details of my mom’s issues because it’s not really relevant to the problem. I got married last spring. My relationship is considered to be “non-conventional” but over the years no one seems to be bothered by it anymore. We have support from friends and all of my husband’s family as well as my dad and his side of the family (divorced parents). My mom and her family are the only ones left that absolutely refuse to welcome or even try to get to know my husband. I know what you’re thinking bees, but save your breath. There is no godly power on this planet or another that is going to change my mother’s opinion.
Anyway, since being married, I decided that it was no longer appropriate to go to family events that my husband was excluded from. Essentially if my husband should be invited and isn’t than neither am I essentially. The only time I see my mother now is if we work out together (which has become increasingly rare). My husband isn’t telling me that I can’t see her or anything, I just feel hurt and uncomfortable not including him. Honestly, I struggle with whether or not it’s appropriate to spend any time with her period.
So I digress. As every year since my existence, my mom wants to do a gift exchange for christmas. She’s already bought gifts for me, and I’ve already bought gifts for her and her husband. Gifting is important and kind of emotional to me for reasons I can’t seem to figure out so I couldn’t bring myself to exclude them from my gift shopping list (although all the gifts are marked from me and the husband as a little F You lol). She wants me to come over as usual to exchange the gifts. To me it feels wrong, but its also the more practical way to exchange them. Yeah we can mail them but we live like 10 minutes away from each other, isnt that kind of a waste of money?
I don’t know if I should go against my personal feelings or shell out the extra dough to mail her the gifts. In a way, I feel like I’m teaching her that excluding my husband is ok if I give in to her. At the same time, she’s never going to change so maybe I should just give up. Either way, I hate that she puts me in these uncomfortable situations.
Post # 2
You need to stand up to her even if she will never change you and your husband are a unit and you need to stand by him so yes I would mail the gifts waste of money or not
Post # 3
db24: Your family are weird, lol! I wouldn’t give in for the sake of gifts. Christmas is about family, not presents. If she can’t arrange a time to exchange with Darling Husband then tough, no gift exchange.
Post # 4
I would just turn up WITH my husband and say I thought it was obvious I’d be with my HUSBAND. If she turns him away, both leave, but you’ve given her the chance to be mature.
Post # 5
I’m assuming, from your description, that her reasons for not supporting your relationship are based on some backwards views and have nothing to do with your husband as a person.
In that case, stand strong behind your relationship. Invite her to your place, where “you and [husband’s name] will be happy to welcome them for the gift exchange.” She is the one with the problem, and therefore she should figure out how to navigate it. Don’t let her place the burden of her choice on you.
Post # 6
Nope. You go, and you’re essentially saying it’s ok for them to be hurtful to your husband as long as they buy you stuff.
I would be very hurt if I was your husband in this situation.
Post # 7
You are doing everything else to show that you are a united front. Why would you stop doing that during the biggest “family” time of the year?
Post # 8
What about making her come to you? In you and your husbands home..? That way he can be present, and maybe make you feel a little less uncomfortable with going back on your feelings about him not being included?
Post # 9
Your mother isn’t putting you in these situations, you are doing it to yourself. You cannot bring yourself to not buy them gifts? Is them completely disrespecting your husband (and in turn, YOU) not enough? How much more do you need?
Your poor husband. Unless he did something awful to your family, you are not sticking up for him nearly enough.
I would cut mom out of my life until she could be accepting of him. Mom is entitled to her opinion (as much as that sucks), you are required (why else did you get married?) to stick up for your husband, unless he is a sack of crap, in which case you should leave. I assume he isn’t, so man up.
Spending time with mom at the gym isn’t “bad” in itself. Continuing to complain about her cruelty and continuing to give her the light of day is nonsensical behavior.
I don’t get people who do this crap to their spouses. I really don’t. People are so fearful of cutting ties with abusive relatives, simply because they are relatives.
Post # 10
Unless by “non conventional” you mean your husband beats you or something, this is way out of line on your mother’s part. I don’t have a relationship with my parents, so I get it. It’s hard to cut them off at first. You don’t even have to cut her off. But you DO need to stand up and say “This is my husband. This is my life. You can be a part of it if you want, but he’s in this life and if you want to be in my life, you need to treat him with respect.” You’re giving her a choice here. It is not fair to your husband to continue to let her act like this. If a woman posted on here about how her Mother-In-Law didn’t let her come to family Christmases and her husband went over without her, we’d *all* jump on her about how he’s choosing his family over her and that they need therapy and she needs to reconsider this relationship.
Post # 11
I would never go to an event where my husband wasn’t welcome. Obviously there are lots of things I do with my mother where hubby doesn’t come but he is always welcome at family events, which is the important part for me. Christmas is about family and my husband is the most important member of my family so if he wasn’t allowed to come then I would inform her I would not be attending either. It’s going to set a bad precedent if you attend this year without him because she will start to expect it.
One of two things will happen – she will either realize her relationship with you is more important than how much she hates your husband and will get over herself and welcome him at family events OR she will continue to have a negative attitude and the consequence will be she no longer has a relationship with her daughter and future grandchildren (assuming you eventually have kids with hubby).
Post # 12
If your husband was invited, would he feel confortable going at this point? You could just drop the gifts off.
But I agree with others, you shouldn’t go where your husband is not accepted. That doesn’t mean you cut them out (like talking on the phone, working out, etc…), but, gatherings where you should both be invited, you should decline if your hustand isn’t welcome.
Post # 13
I agree with not going. It’s tedious and shipping costs you extra but…I think it would be giving in to her behavior. I don’t think that’s acceptable. If she invites him then I would go.
Post # 14
db24: I would not go over without your husband. I would either 1. bring him with you. Is she really going to kick him out? or 2. mail them.
I’d be really hurt if I were your husband, knew I wasn’t welcome and you went anyway.
I would also LOVE to know why she hates your husband so much.
Post # 15
Just drop them off on the porch and leave. Or better yet, don’t buy them presents at all.