(Closed) Mom wants to do a gift exchange but husband isn't welcome?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

You need to stand up to her even if she will never change you and your husband are a unit and you need to stand by him so yes I would mail the gifts waste of money or not

Post # 3
Member
2595 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

db24:  Your family are weird, lol! I wouldn’t give in for the sake of gifts. Christmas is about family, not presents. If she can’t arrange a time to exchange with Darling Husband then tough, no gift exchange.

Post # 4
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee

I would just turn up WITH my husband and say I thought it was obvious I’d be with my HUSBAND. If she turns him away, both leave, but you’ve given her the chance to be mature. 

Post # 5
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

I’m assuming, from your description, that her reasons for not supporting your relationship are based on some backwards views and have nothing to do with your husband as a person.

In that case, stand strong behind your relationship. Invite her to your place, where “you and [husband’s name] will be happy to welcome them for the gift exchange.” She is the one with the problem, and therefore she should figure out how to navigate it. Don’t let her place the burden of her choice on you.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
4061 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Nope. You go, and you’re essentially saying it’s ok for them to be hurtful to your husband as long as they buy you stuff.

I would be very hurt if I was your husband in this situation. 

Post # 7
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee

You are doing everything else to show that you are a united front. Why would you stop doing that during the biggest “family” time of the year?

Post # 8
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

What about making her come to you? In you and your husbands home..? That way he can be present, and maybe make you feel a little less uncomfortable with going back on your feelings about him not being included?

Post # 9
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee

Your mother isn’t putting you in these situations, you are doing it to yourself.  You cannot bring yourself to not buy them gifts? Is them completely disrespecting your husband (and in turn, YOU) not enough?  How much more do you need?  

Your poor husband.  Unless he did something awful to your family, you are not sticking up for him nearly enough.

I would cut mom out of my life until she could be accepting of him.  Mom is entitled to her opinion (as much as that sucks), you are required (why else did you get married?) to stick up for your husband, unless he is a sack of crap, in which case you should leave.  I assume he isn’t, so man up. 

Spending time with mom at the gym isn’t “bad” in itself.  Continuing to complain about her cruelty and continuing to give her the light of day is nonsensical behavior.  

I don’t get people who do this crap to their spouses.  I really don’t.  People are so fearful of cutting ties with abusive relatives, simply because they are relatives.  

Post # 10
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Unless by “non conventional” you mean your husband beats you or something, this is way out of line on your mother’s part.  I don’t have a relationship with my parents, so I get it.  It’s hard to cut them off at first.  You don’t even have to cut her off.  But you DO need to stand up and say “This is my husband.  This is my life.  You can be a part of it if you want, but he’s in this life and if you want to be in my life, you need to treat him with respect.”  You’re giving her a choice here.  It is not fair to your husband to continue to let her act like this.  If a woman posted on here about how her Mother-In-Law didn’t let her come to family Christmases and her husband went over without her, we’d *all* jump on her about how he’s choosing his family over her and that they need therapy and she needs to reconsider this relationship.  

Post # 11
Member
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would never go to an event where my husband wasn’t welcome. Obviously there are lots of things I do with my mother where hubby doesn’t come but he is always welcome at family events, which is the important part for me. Christmas is about family and my husband is the most important member of my family so if he wasn’t allowed to come then I would inform her I would not be attending either. It’s going to set a bad precedent if you attend this year without him because she will start to expect it.

One of two things will happen – she will either realize her relationship with you is more important than how much she hates your husband and will get over herself and welcome him at family events OR she will continue to have a negative attitude and the consequence will be she no longer has a relationship with her daughter and future grandchildren (assuming you eventually have kids with hubby). 

Post # 12
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

If your husband was invited, would he feel confortable going at this point? You could just drop the gifts off.

But I agree with others, you shouldn’t go where your husband is not accepted. That doesn’t mean you cut them out (like talking on the phone, working out, etc…), but, gatherings where you should both be invited, you should decline if your hustand isn’t welcome. 

 

Post # 13
Member
3068 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I agree with not going. It’s tedious and shipping costs you extra but…I think it would be giving in to her behavior. I don’t think that’s acceptable. If she invites him then I would go.

Post # 14
Member
5156 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

db24:  I would not go over without your husband. I would either 1. bring him with you. Is she really going to kick him out? or 2. mail them. 

I’d be really hurt if I were your husband, knew I wasn’t welcome and you went anyway.

I would also LOVE to know why she hates your husband so much. 

Post # 15
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

Just drop them off on the porch and leave. Or better yet, don’t buy them presents at all.

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