(Closed) Mom Wants to Give Shower/ Private DW w/ No Guests – OK?

posted 6 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 3
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@mrs_pudding_pop:  I’m having a similar issue — Fiance and I are also having a private Destination Wedding weddingmoon but my mom wants to throw us a shower.  I don’t feel that it’s right but she keeps telling me that those who will come will be okay with it — and I guess that’s true.  A few years ago, a friend of mine got married in the Caribbean and they still had a shower and I didn’t think twice about it.  I was excited to support her, regardless if I was going to be present at the ceremony and I understood that since it was a private Destination Wedding, that I would not be there.  We plan on having a low-key cookout/reception to celebrate with friends and family afterwards, but I am still so torn on letting my mom throw me a shower.  We’ve already received two engagement presents without asking or creating a registry and I even feel a bit guilty about those.

So… hopefully other bees have some advice for this!  I am interested in hearing what they say too.

Post # 4
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@mrs_pudding_pop:  So, you’re probably going to get a lot of responses that say if you’re not inviting the guest to the wedding, you shouldn’t invite them to the shower.   

I know that in my mom’s circle of friends, they just want to be invited to the shower.  lol  Shower presents are traditionally small things that everyone needs in their home (think tea towels and vegetable peelers), not big gifts so it was far more acceptable to invite the women in your life (or your mom’s life, etc) to the event.  Personally, if your mom wants to do this, I’d let her.  

On a personal note, I was the guest of honour at a shower that was thrown for me by my inlaws.  90% of the guests weren’t invited to the wedding.  I didn’t have a say over the guest list because I was not throwing the party.  The ladies who were invited wanted to “help out a new bride”, eat small sandwhiches and socialize.  At first, I was embarassed that they weren’t invited to the wedding but then I realised that they had no expectation of being invited….at all.  They wanted to welcome me to the extended family and “support” my GMIL, etc.  

As long as you’re gracious and send thank you cards, it should be fine.

Post # 5
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@mrs_pudding_pop:  I think if you’re inviting these people to your parties afterwards they’ll be likely to come/be happy about it (I would be) and you can say how small your wedding is and that your parents aren’t even coming.  Like PP said, be graciuos and send a nice thank you card.

Post # 7
5242 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

My situation is very similar in that we are having a small destination wedding. My mom wanted to throw me a shower and I said yes as she wanted to do something for me for the wedding. Since I’m doing all the planning for my wedding I figured this would be something for her to plan. She is inviting her friends who aren’t invited to our wedding and Im sure they are not offended as they know our wedding is small. Like previous posters said the gifts are just small household items and I nice thank you card to them after I would be nice.

Post # 8
13248 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m very old-fashioned and traditional, so I say no, if you’re not inviting the guests to the wedding, you should not have a shower.  You made the decision to have a Destination Wedding, so you made the de facto decision to forego the pre-wedding parties. 

This may be unpopular, but this is how I view the situation.  Sorry

Post # 9
3942 posts
Honey bee

Ive been to a wedding shower where the couple had a very very small wedding. I wasn’t invited to the wedding but I was happy to go to the shower for her. She was/is a great friend and I was excited to give her a few small gifts to help them celebrate.

Post # 10
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Maybe a compromise would be to have the shower without registering? It’s been so long since I’ve been to a wedding shower that I don’t know if this defeats the purpose of the shower itself but I know if I was rarely home & my mom was so adamant about throwing me a shower, I had a bunch of people I would want to see while I was there, and everyone was ALREADY AWARE we were doing a tiny destination wedding, I wouldn’t have a problem with the shower being thrown. As long as everyone is on the same page that they will be invited to the at home reception/party & no one is coming to the wedding itself, I’m of the opinion that it is fine.

I’m having a Destination Wedding too but I’m not engaged yet so I haven’t started planning or even thinking about this kind of thing for myself. I’ll probably be in a very similar boat. My thought is that not registering makes it clear that you are not expecting gifts & makes it seem less like a “gift grab” (a term I never heard of before the bee truthfully. I always thought showers were just a fun time to get together & celebrate!) If someone still wants to get you a gift to help out a new bride, you can give your mom some ideas so she’ll have suggestions ready for people who ask.

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