Post # 1
I need some advice, ladies! Bear with me though, because it’s kind of complicated. When isn’t it?
So, my dad passed away seven years ago leaving my mom a widow. One month after my dad passed, she started seeing the man she was dating before she met my dad. This man is also my older sister’s father. He originally left my mom just after my sister was born, started a new family and never contacted my mom or sister. After my dad died, this man and my mom got back in contact and she started seeing him, even though he was MARRIED at the time. When this all happened I was 18 and pissed off at this man and at my mom. My dad had JUST died. I know everyone grieves in their own way, but come on! After I found out my mom and I got into a huge fight and I moved out for a year. Eventually we got back on speaking terms, but I never warmed up to her boyfriend. I found out from his other daughter that not only did he cheat on his wife with my mom, he also had several other mistresses and a young child. (This is not just hearsay, I met the child last Thanksgiving when my mom invited her boyfriend and her son. WTF?!)
Fast forward to present day. My mom moved from California to Seattle last year to live near her boyfriend, who is STILL MARRIED. I only gave her one seat for the wedding. She called and asked if she could bring a date. It sucks to go to a wedding alone, so I can see where she’s coming from. But, I know she wants to bring her boyfriend, so I lied and said that we didn’t have any extra seats available and to request one would cost more money. My fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves. She told me that if another seat becomes available due to someone RSVPing ‘no’ to let her know.
I don’t like lying, but I absolutely do NOT want that man at my wedding. It is bad enough that I won’t have my dad there to walk me down the aisle. I don’t want to see my mom cuddling up with the man she replaced my dad with. It is not only because of how fast she moved on, it’s also because of the kind of person he is. He is a liar, a cheater and a horrible father himself. He never contacted my sister in her entire life and even though he is with my mom, still does not have any contact with her or his grandchildren. I don’t want to start a new war with my mom, but I really don’t want him to be at my wedding. I wanted to get some unbiased opinions from the Hive. Should I bite the bullet and just invite him to make my mom happy? Or should I just be honest with her and tell her that I don’t want him there? Am I being petty?
Post # 3
It seems like him being there would not just be hard for you, but also for your sister and family. I think that would weigh into my decision– as would be the fact that as your mother’s guest, you would see him all night (he wouldn’t be an aunt or uncle or family friend who might stay in the backgroun). That being said, it’s a decision only you can make.
Post # 4
Whoa…I was totally going to say to suck it up and let your mom bring a date, but then I saw that he is still married. So, no, I don’t think you need to invite him. Since your mom already knows how you feel about this relationship, telling her the truth will probably lead to more conflict between you and her. If I were you, I’d just keep up the pretense of not having any extra space for the bf.
Post # 5
@msfahrenheit: I agree. When I read the title of the thread, I thought, “Of course your mom should be able to being a date!” But after reading the details, I totally understand where the OP is coming from.
I think your decision to not include your mom’s (MARRIED!) boyfriend in the guest list is totally justified. If your mom presses the issue further, maybe you could explain that in addition to the day already being hard for you because your dad won’t be there to walk you down the aisle, you don’t think it’s appropriate for a man who is cheating on his wife to be your mom’s date…
(Sidenote: When you say this guy is still married, is he maybe still legally married, but separated from his wife? Or full-on living-with-his-wife-and-cheating-with-your-mom married? I don’t think it makes a difference in your decision, but I’m just curious because it seems crazy that he’s STILL married after 7 years of being with your mom.)
Post # 6
in this case, i would definitely not allow him to come. if that means lying to your mom about and rsvp, so be it. i think you are totally justified, and i would fell the same. im also sorry about losing your dad. ((hugs))
Post # 7
is he still with his wife or separated and not divorced?
my first thought this isnt just your moms boyfriend but your sisters dad so there is a bond between them that goes from before your mom and dad were together.
yes hooking up with someone a month after your dad died sucks but i found the hardest part about being alone is the habit of being with someone and maybe your mom wasnt strong enough to be alone soon after your dad died
either way your sisters dad didnt cause any drama to your parents marriage while they were married so be glad your mum found someone to share her life with and hopefully she is happy – you are about to start your own family unit with your husband so be gracious enough to extend an extra seat to your mum
edit: oh, yes to extra seat is if he is separated from his wife – if still living with his wife then no – i would feel uncomfortable is my mum was the mistress in this situation
Post # 8
I am with you, I wouldn’t allow that creep near my wedding. If it was me, I would probably be honest and tell my mom I didn’t want him there, but if you need to tell a little white lie to spare your mom’s feelings I understand that as well.
Post # 9
I agree with all the above posters. What a awkward and horrible situation to be in. Sorry for you loss.
Post # 10
Thanks ladies. I wish my mom would find someone worth her time. I don’t think I’ll tell her the truth, the lie is just easier.
And to clarify, yes her boyfriend is still married and living with his wife. He used to fly out to California to visit my mom under the guise of “work”. Now that she moved to Seattle, it’s easier for them to see each other. It is so embarassing to say this, but my mom is basically a mistress.
Post # 11
0This really is suck a sucky situation. Besides the fact that he is still married and your Mom seems to be smitten with him so quickly, his presence would not only affect yourself (on your wedding day,) but also your sitter and her family. I feel like your comfort and your guest (sister) is more important than your mom wanting her Boyfriend or Best Friend to come. Besides I’m sure your granparents and aunts/uncles may have some ill feelings towards him as well.
Post # 12
Yea given just the question, I would say of course let her bring someone. Knowing the in-depth version of the question, I would say if it makes you uncomfortable than NO WAY. It’s like we always forget that it’s our day. If there is someone you WANT to share this day with you, invite them. If you don’t have a relationship with someone or it may upset you in some way for them to share this day with you, the answer is simple. Don’t invite them. It’s your day, your mom will hopefully respect that.
Post # 13
No, don’t let her bring a date. And if she asks about it again, I think you’re totally within your right to say no way in hell do you want to see that douche bag on the day of your wedding.
I don’t know if what I just wrote was good advice, but I bet it would be fun to say. lol.
btw, I’m sorry about that sucky situation. That’s really horrible. 🙁
Post # 14
Absolutely not. Your mother should know better than to ask if her still married boyfriend can come. It sucks when parents aren’t the adults they should be.
Post # 15
Well, like many posters I was going to say that you need to allow her to bring her boyfriend – even if you don’t like him – because they are a social unit and it’s rude to break up social units. However, since he is still married AND living with his wife (as opposed to being seperated) then I don’t think you are under any obligation to invite him as I’m pretty sure that he and your mother are cannot be considered a social unit.
With that said, it might be worth while to sit down with your mom and have a heart-to-heart talk about how you think she deserves way better.
Post # 16
Wow. No. Just no. I am glad that I don’t know your mom because I’m having a violent reaction to reading this and kind of want to smack her. WTF. I’m so sorry you and your sister are going through this awful situation.