(Closed) Mom Wants to Make Amends. Too Little Too Late? (my first long emotional post)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4929 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Good for you for finally getting out from under her! 

Forgiveness is tough, especially with someone like that. She didn’t do one thing, one time. Or two things or three or four… it’s literally been your whole life, right? It’s hard to forgive someone who’s done something like that. It’s possible, but it’s so, so hard. It’s totally understandable that it’ll take a long time, but, unfortunately, she will never see it that way. 

Post # 4
Member
2498 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it is very difficult in that situation but I think you are doing the right thing/have done the right thing by having that space between you. I think that if you can, you should try and have some relationship with her. But make sure you keep it on your terms and at a level that is acceptable to you. 

Post # 6
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Your Mom may be a doctor, but she has some mental issues, for sure. And your life has been impacted for far too many years. You are old enough now to move forward with your life – YOU are not responsible for your Mother’s mental health, SHE IS. YOU need to let of the guilt she has instilled in you and live your life, and distance can only be a bonus. When she contacts you, acknowledge her, tell her that you love her if you want to, but refuse to let her drag you down.

 

Post # 8
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@Overjoyed:  Crumbs, she could be my mother (apart from the fact that I have two brothers and she wasn’t a single parent).

 

Serious mental health problems, won’t do a thing to change them, perpetual victim etc.

 

My mother acted so badly after my divorce that I had a nervous breakdown.  After that, I moved 17,000 miles away – to the other side of the world – to get away from her.  That was 20 years ago, and I’ve only seen her twice, for a couple of months each time, since then.

 

Thanks to her, and my father, I have a serious skewed vision of all family relationships.  My bipolar, and also suffer from extreme anxiety and lately, PTSD after being in armed robbery.  

 

Anyway, don’t feel guilty about not wanting a closer relationship with your mother.  I also firmly believe in ‘too little, too late’  and even more importantly, that being related by blood doesn’t give someone the right to treat you like crap.

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Overjoyed:  

Cheers to you for being so brave and taking control of your life! Forgiveness is certainly something to strive for because it brings peace, but that doesn’t have to mean no longer maintaining the healthy boundaries you’ve set to protect yourself. And really, these boundaries are what’s best for your mom too – they prevent her from hurting her child and being a total nutball! 😀 I’m sure many people could learn from your story, as I have!

Post # 10
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

PP is right – you are NOT responsible for what is very obviously an altered state of mental health.

You can forgive her if you choose to, but still keep her at arm’s length.  I’m not sure there’s a reason to cut her off completely (especially if you’re on different continents anyway), but you can choose to have the relationship you want to have.  Answer the phone or don’t answer it.  If she’s in a good mood, have a nice talk.  If she’s in a bad mood or starts in on you, just say “I’m not engaging with you when you act like this.  I’m hanging up now.”  Rinse, repeat.  Don’t give in.  She might get the picture that she’ll have more of a relationship with you if she stops acting like a jackass.  Or she might not.  Either way, YOU be in control.

Also, forgiveness isn’t for her benefit, it’s for yours.  It doesn’t mean that you’re ready to justify or forget what she’s done to you, it means that you’re making a concious choice to put it behind you and move on unfettered.

Post # 11
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I finally cut my “mom” off this year. She sounds exactly like your mom, but with a drinking and drug problem on top of it. Ill never speak to her again. And I’m better off for it. Also she was a little more verbally abusive and lied a lot. What I would do is simply explain her position in your life and why, and that the only person responsible for her life, actions, and feelings is HER. And you’re done dealing with the outbursts. 

Eta I would not forgive her for anything. Because she hasn’t apologized to you. She is being nice out of guilt, not because she is interested in changing her behavior.

Post # 13
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Overjoyed:  yeah. Unfortunately I went through this one too many times before figuring this out for myself 🙁

Post # 14
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I am a firm believer that you know what and WHO is best for your life. Why are you considering allowing her back into your life? Because she’s your mother? If she were a friend who had treated you that way would you let them back into your life? 

 

If you feel content in your life right now and don’t feel like anything is missing, I would keep it the way it is. Don’t do anything for anyone’s benefit but your own (in the situation at least. I know that sounds selfish, but sometimes you have to be selfish in your own life). 

Post # 15
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Overjoyed:  This whole post made me think of that song ‘Mother Knows Best’ from Tangled.

It doesn’t sound like you have a healthy relationship and she acts in a way that is completely inappropriate for a parent. You’ve done your best to get your mom help and make her see what she’s doing to you and others and she sticks her head in the sand. As far as I’m concerned you’ve done enough to try and make the relationship work as is needed before you can start to back away. After all your mother’s done to you I don’t think you owe her anything, it should be up to you to set the boundaries. If you’re in any doubt about what to do ask yourself ‘will being around this woman negatively impact in me?’ ‘do I want my children to grow up around her?’ ‘will she be there for me when I need her?’. I’m so sorry this is happening to you and I hope you make whatever decision is right for you. 

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