(Closed) Mom was horrible when I was trying on Wedding Dresses

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Mothers can say the wrong thing. When I tried on dresses for the first time, my mother kept telling the salesgirls I was a “full figured woman”, not realizing that’s often used as a euphemism for fat. I just have big breasts.

Maybe your mother just didn’t know what to say. Not everyone has the same reactions. I’m sorry she didn’t act the way you wanted, but it might be a good idea to try to get over it rather than keeping yourself upset over it, I’m sure she is happy!

Post # 4
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

my mom and I have definitely butt heads quite a bit.  Is it possible she is having a lot of emotional reactions to the whole idea of you getting married and just taking it out on you and dealing with it in a horrible way?

My mom never thinks she is doing anything wrong and is super stubborn, so I feel you on getting nowhere with calling her out.  Is your mom typically like this?

Post # 5
Member
9556 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ugh – that sucks. Not sure what her issue is, but I hope she get s handle on it! I would try to focus on the positive comments you were getting from your bridesmaids. Going after your mom isn’t going to make it any better. I’d just try to forget her reaction and move on. Post a picture so we can tell you how awesome you’re going to look on your wedding day!!!!

If it makes your feel any better, my grandmother commented at least 4 times that I couldn’t possibly be thin enough to order a size 8 even thought that’s what the bridal consultant told me I should order based on her measurements. Thanks Gran!

Post # 6
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee

I haven’t started trying on dresses yet, but I am SO dreading going with my mom – she has already told me that she won’t have anything nice to say and will only tell me my fat is hanging out the back of the dress! My mom’s idea of what I should wear is a white business suit – that might be awesome for some people, but it sounds depressing to me. There is a part of me that wants the mother-daughter bonding moment, but I am afraid that I will not get that, so I might go just with a friend or something. 

Just give her time – I am sure when you get the dress fitted to your body and have whatever beautiful accessories you will have, she will see how beautiful you are and tell you!

Post # 7
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We often hurt the ones we love the most. It sounds like your mom felt excluded, she probably has been dreaming of your wedding for longer then you have and things aren’t happening the way she always hoped. Whether you are actually excluding her or she just feels that way doesn’t matter, what matters is that you try to see eachother’s side of things. 

Post # 8
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am so sorry you went through this! I work as a bridal consultant and I am sorry to say I see mothers treat their daughters horribly almost every day… I don’t know what it is, but mothers and sisters are the worst offenders. I don’t know if it helps you to know that you’re not alone, and that a lot of brides have this experience. I wish I could give you some advice or insight into the situation; my best guess is that the mothers are either too involved (i.e. they view this as their choice, not their daugther’s) or they are unhappy about some other aspect of the wedding and taking it out during dress shopping… I know a lot of mothers have really specific ideas about what a wedding gown should look like that most modern gowns don’t live up to, and sometimes that can be the source of the tension. I think you made the right choice to go ahead and pick the dress that you knew was “the one”, and as hard as it may be, just disregard your mom. It’s not her wedding, it’s yours, and congratulations on finding a dress that you love and that you feel beautiful in! Don’t let her take that experience away from you. 

Post # 9
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Something that I’ve posted about before, and that you may want to consider, is that your mother could be going through the menopause.

I was 21 (just) when I first married, and my mother was 47.  She’d already started with the menopause, and she was a TOTAL bitch during the lead up to, and during my wedding.  Highlights were:

1. She left me stranded in my wedding dress once…the very expensive dress she had forced me to take out a store card to buy.  I had always said I would rent the dress…

2. Day of the wedding, she commandeered my wedding car to shuttle guests to the reception – leaving me, my husband and the photographer stranded in a local park.  This was the days before mobile phones, so in the end we had to stand by the road, trying to wave the driver down…me in this huge expensive wedding dress I didn’t want.

3. She was as rude as hell to my inlaws and their family.  Made it clear she looked down her nose at them, and I don’t think she said more than 10 words to any of them, the whole day.

In your situation, I’d take your mother at her word.  Don’t involve her in any more of the planning, until she grows the fuck up and apologises for threatening not to come. 

Post # 11
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My mom already threatened not to come to my wedding just last weekend, and had some colorful language for me as well about my wedding. She was upset I “hadn’t called lately” but I had called just two nights prior and she hadn’t picked up. I pretty much call every few nights and she rarely picks up, but supposedly I’m still the terrible inconsiderate daughter. 

 

My fiance and I are guessing there’s a 50/50 shot that she’ll end up skipping the wedding altogether. She has her own selfish reasons for potentially skipping, and will jump at the chance to find some reason why I’m terrible to justify not coming. She has issues dealing with how she looks in older age and doesn’t like anyone to see her, so she’s essentially a shut-in. This wedding will force her to be on display to the few family memebers she can somewhat tolerate (but still isn’t getting along well with). And I don’t think she can deal with that.

Post # 14
Hostess
8584 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that our mothers are from a much differant time than us. Comparing wedding dresses from back then to now is almost impossible. They have changed so much. Some mothers are also extremely opinionated.

I have REFUSED to visit any dress shop with my Mother, because I know how she is. She has never failed to make me feel horrible about myself, and that is the last thing I want when I’m getting married. She is a totally differant creature than I am. I’m into glam and glitz, she’s into beauty and crochet. Nothing she likes I will like, and vise versa.

Post # 15
Hostess
8584 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

@ksquared2:  My mom is a bitter old cat lady too!

Post # 16
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Oh your mother sounds like she could my mother’s clone!

My mom HATES my FI and not only did she ruin his surprise engagement by cornering me an hour before he proposed and raging that He did not have their support in asking me to marry him, but she made it very clear that she wanted nothing to do with the wedding because hearing his name “made her sick.” So for 6 months I planned on my own. Thank goodness she wasn’t there for dress shopping, but now a month before my wedding she suddenly wants to be involved. 

She keeps asking a thousand questions about the wedding, which is fine, but she criticizes EVERYTHING and is trying to change all of it. We have a tight budget so there’s no way we’re changing anything, and she isn’t contributing a dime, but still wants us to have a lavish wedding because she’s afriad people will judge HER after the fact. She’s already altered the guest list (after invites went out), thrown a fit about my wedding cake (it is THE most disgusting thing she has ever put into her mouth), my flowers, the bridesmaid dresses, what SHE’S going to wear (I guess she’s coming now), and what arrangements I’m making to feed my family who are coming in town the week before (Nothing… they’re all from here and can figure that out themselves. They’re adults in their 50’s…), and family pictures (a topic she keeps trying to argue about but I agreed we’ll take some family pictures so there’s nothing to argue about really, though she tries to pick a fight about it every single day, multiple times a day).

Her latest rage was on my hair trial appointment. She asked if she could come and I quietly agreed. A few minutes later I politely added that if she’s coming I ask that she please make no negative comment. Of course that threw her into a screaming rant of how it was ridiculous that I would ever think that because SHE is a positive person and I have ASKED her opinion on everything (which I most certianly have not done for ANYTHING) and I’m a liar for saying otherwise, and how I’m not allowing her to get involved with things that MOH’s normally do (it’s really not my fault you decided you were coming 3 weeks before the wedding after I had gone dress shopping and finalized many decisions). She is now not coming to my hair appointment because I am “SO MEAN” and “No one would want to be around me and have to put up with being treated like crap like that.”

It’s absolutely exhausting but I keep telling myself 2 more weeks, 2 more weeks…

 

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