(Closed) Mommy issues..

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I actually kind of agree with your mother on this…. $1400 is really not that much. She can’t really stop you from getting married (you are both adults), but you should hear her out on this one.

Post # 4
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Why did he move in with your parents?

Post # 5
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Sorry. Was she supportive of you getting married when he was going in the marines?

I am not a mother and I can understand that it seems silly but  maybe your mom just wants you two to have some more time getting on your feet before taking the next step. Maybe school is part of it. I know you both have jobs now but with school your schedule might get tougher and $1400 is really not a good amount to rely on to cover rent and bills.

 

Just try talking to her one on one and say that you really want to figure stuff out so what is she thinking about the situation? and let her talk.

Post # 6
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@featherlight0908:  

Is your mom’s major concern that you are so young?  You are very, very young, and people do continue to develop and change into their 20s.  Not that relationships that start before that are doomed, that is certainly not always the case.

Adding financial strain though certainly doesn’t help.  I applaud you for figuring out a budget – that’s something I’ve really barely figured out in my early 30s.  But your income puts you guys only just barely above the poverty line, and you don’t have a lot of wiggle room if anything unforseen happens…

Bottom line, marriage isn’t about age or money, but marriage is a BIG deal.  It seems like you’re more mature than your age would indicate, but I understand your mom’s trepidation, because you are very young and money is very much a concern.  I’m sorry, maybe this isnt’ that helpful…  I wish you the best of luck, but I’m sure your mom has your best interests at heart at the very least, so try to cut her a little slack 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1777 posts
Buzzing bee

is that 1400 take home, after deductions and taxes, or is that the Gross?

 

 

Post # 8
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

marriage is more then being comfortable living together…

 

you have not once mentioned why you think you’re ready for marriage? you did not even mention a word about feeling like your relationship is ready to make the next step because you sure you want to be together for the rest of your lives. why did you even get engaged, what triggered that? I’m only 21 myself, so I am not biased against young marriage.

1400 is a very small income for two people to be making MONTHLY. I can’t imagine how you can afford rent, utilities, phones and food on that kind of money, and gas to get to work…. insurance on your cars, health insurance… what about house needs? cleaning supplies, toilet paper, personal hygeine products… not to mention if you’re a girl and wear make up and all that jazz.

I disagree with people who say you have to finish college and have a good career and be stable there before a marriage can work. My SO and I are working full time and i’m finishing up school going part time. If i didn’t have him I would still be only going to school part time and working full time. It’s all I can afford. We want to enjoy married life toegether for a few years before we start having kids. For a lot of couples, kids come right after marriage. We want to build a strong marriage and gain stable careers before we start a family. However we are both under the same morals and values that right now we need to be saving for the future and thinking ahead.

 

Also, no offense to anyone living at home still or temporarily for unfortunate events i get that, but i cannot imagine being married living with my parents or my SO’s parents. I love his mother. I love mine even though we bump heads. I think you have much to learn still.

 

ETA: my SO and I spend about 300-350 in groceries a month… and thats just from the grocery store although does include 2-4 cases of soda as he’s a heavy soda drinker. My SO is also 6 foot 3 and has a labor roofing job so he eats like a horse… but the average person spends 100-200 on food a month depending on their eating habits and I had budgeted this from my mother before I moved out.  Not to mention a savings for when your car breaks down, or you need a tooth pulled out (all of which have happend in the last 7 months of us living together) or you get the flu and miss work for a week. LIFE happens, it doesn’t stop for anyone.

Post # 9
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I understand how you feel.  BUT:

It’s your parents house.  They can say you guys can live here seperately but if you get married you need to move out.  I find this kind of odd, but then it shows they like and trust him and where you guys are at and have faith in you guys getting to financial and relationship stability eventually, else why would they bother.  It’s pretty awesome they let him live there now!

If you can really support yourselves and move out they can’t stop you from moving out, getting married, or anything really.

I’m not saying you haven’t thought of this but just in case… There are a TON of little expenses that add up when you move out that lots of people don’t think of: toilet paper, light bulbs, kleenex (assuming you don’t just use toilet paper!… cheaper than Kleenex but more cost in toilet paper), cleaning supplies, vacuum bags, soap, scrubby pads for dishes, etc, the array of toiletries, etc is all this (and the various things I didn’t mention/forgot) in your budget?  Then the car breaks down or other unexpected expenses… you should have a portion of income going to savings for all the random life happens crap… is this factored into your budget?  And then there’s what if one of you gets sick or loses your job or income, can you make do on one income?  Including doctor bills, etc. 

Darling Husband and I both have generally made the same about of money, but worst case, either one of our incomes could pay our bills (with a little cutting back and being considered low income) when crap happens.. which it does :)!  Life happens!  Darling Husband had (has?) a really good job but hasn’t had more than a day here and there in months, it was only supposed to be a couple months off then regular work again.. almost four months later… nada.  He liked what he was doing and the company but he’s ready to start looking now.  If it weren’t for us living “below” both our income means, he’d have had to show up at the temp office looking for day labor… are you and your SO willing to do ANYTHING (legal) it takes to pay the bills if you marry and move out?  Because when you’re young it’s often like that, and even worse now.

I think you’re awesomely lucky to have such great parents who give you advice and let your SO live there, even if a different room.  I’d have to say I agree, if you can’t support yourselves (with plenty of cushion in these economic times) maybe you shouldn’t be getting married.  And if they don’t want you married under their roof that’s their right and that’s out.   BUT if you really feel you two can fully make it on your own, go for it!

I’m sorry this post is long and may even seem to contradict itself… but it’s hard to give advice on a forum without knowing the whole situation.  Whatever happens I hope you guys find the answer that works for you now and in the future!

Post # 11
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

It doesn’t sound like its school, although school contributes to finances. If you’re going to school full time, theres really small chance you can work full time. I know many people in school full time who struggle to work 20 hours a week. If you want to be successful in school.

 

However waitressing also isn’t a very stable job. With the economy, you can’t really guarantee youre going to make money. That’s why I quit waitressing. There is no stability in that really. That’s great you guys have a savings because that’s something we did not and now are working on building because it’s so important. from what you told me about your bills and then add in rent and you’re at 1400 dollars.. which means not saving anything, and doesnt add in the house hold items and personal items. Not to mention, what young married or unmarried couple doesn’t want a social life of SOME sort. I honestly think if you’re so confined to not doing anything because of money, you’re going to resent life and resent each other. I know from experience when my SO and I went thru a rough week or two financially, we were way more snippy at each other..

 

Living is really expensive, and I honestly would suggest you guys just enjoy your engagement, and wait a few months to save some more and stable work out, look into school and see what your plan is.. and then get a place together. After living together for a few months and learning the real costs and being stable, then get married. I think the fact is that a marriage really puts a final touch on things and adds more pressure when things get rough, you cant just walk away.

 

ETA: I can’t imagine getting away with 1 car, only spending 70 on gas and you both working and driving to school. unless it’s all 5 miles in between each other. that doesnt seem realistic. But even if it is, I’d want two cars. with one car you’re gonna start feeling trapped like you cant just go do something.

Post # 12
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@gpsp2B:  I totally agree. OP, yeah it’s frustrating that your mother doesn’t want you guys getting married, but from her perspective…what are your reasons for wanting to marry this guy?

You say you’re financially stable, with a combined income of $1400 a MONTH. Unless you live in some third world country, that’s really not a great income. The only reasons you have given for getting married are

They wouldn’t have to worry about our temptations, we could share a room instead of myself moving into my sister’s room, and we would even be able to afford to pay them rent!

  1. You can pay rent just as easily as an engaged couple, or even boyfriend and girlfriend as you can married, so that’s not even a reason
  2. The first point you made in that statement, to me, reads as “We’ll be married so we can have sex.” That’s really not a great selling point to your parents.


Post # 13
Member
1655 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Fiance and I are young ones too. He’s 20, I’m 19. We’ve known each other for six years now, and have been dating for two and a half.

I think your mother is just trying to say that marriage right now isn’t a good idea. Wait until you’re both on your feet. Fiance and I live together right now but that’s because we can afford it. If you are making a combined monthly income of $1400, you may think that’s enough for rent + groceries + utilities, etc., but it really isn’t. You’ll be penny pinching, or living in a shoddy apartment.

Fiance and I live on university res which isn’t cheap, but again it’s something we can afford and is convenient. If we made a monthly income of $1400 together, we would definitely not choose to live on our own. And I agree with MrsTangerine; after moving in September, Fiance and I are STILL finding that we didn’t get everything to move yet, even though we spent a good $1000 buying everything for the residence. We’re still buying random things that are necessities.

My mom is also of the same mindset. She won’t let us get married now, mainly because we’re too young. I completely agree with her. Coming from someone who is probably only a year or two older than you, I agree with your mom completely, other than her saying you’re being stupid. You aren’t being stupid; you’re just thinking a bit too far ahead. I’m fine living with Fiance and not being married; our wedding date is 2-3 years away. We’re perfectly happy being engaged.

Living in the same house and not being married shouldn’t be an issue. Marriage is about committing yourself to a person for the rest of your life. It isn’t because it will feel weird not being married and living in the same place.

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