Post # 1
Ok, my parents split up after 40 some years together (he left her for another woman). That was two years ago but she is still very upset. She says basically that she would be too upset to see him at the wedding and will not attend if he is there.
She is paying for the wedding. However, I could also pay for it. Either way, it’s the same. As she would be too upset to attend. So:
1. My dad goes to the rehearsal but not my mom
2. Dad is not at wedding or reception
3. What do I tell people if they ask where my dad is?
4. Or do I just elope? Already booked the ceremony reception. We could have a smaller wedding but then it would just be more apparent that my dad is missing.
Post # 2
Both of your parents should be there if you want them there. Unless you have a good reason to exclude your dad, your mom should just deal. It’s not like they have to sit next to each other…you can put them in the front row on opposite sides, not even on the same side of the aisle if you want.
Post # 3
I would call her bluff. I am divorced.Children of divorced parents should not be placed in the position of having to choose between them.
Post # 4
Ms.Klaus: I’m sorry, but I think your Mom is being unreasonable. I understand he hurt her, but your wedding is about you and not her. She should not be putting you in a position to have to choose. I say pay for the wedding yourself and invite Dad. If your Mom doesn’t go, that is on her and her loss, and NOT YOUR FAULT.
I do think you should tell your Dad he can’t bring the new girlfriend. I know that is a breach in etiquette, but these circumstances warrant it. Maybe if your Mom knows she won’t be thee, she’d be more likely to come?
Post # 5
I agree with you that my mother is being unreasonable. She gets very upset. She has hardly spoken to me in the past month just because she saw that he came by to visit me at my home.
I don’t think she would balk at not coming if he was tthere. I have already told her that I wouldn’t invite his new partner but that is not enough.
I just graduated from university with honours and because my father was there she did not attend my convocation. My education is very important to her and she didn’t come so I don’t think she is bluffing.
I am reluctant to invite my dad and then have her not come as I worry about her mental health even if I do pay for the wedding myself.
Post # 6
Ms.Klaus: Repeat after me : We do not give in to emotional terrorists.
Here’s the thing, she is a gown ass lady. You are a grown ass lady. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MENTAL HEALTH OF ANOTHER. That is too big of a burden to place on anyone. If she has said that she will not come if he is there, THAT is emotional manipulation, and if you give into it then it sets a very bad precident. What happens if you have children? Will you have this battle over birthdays?
My advice: talk to her calmly and say something along the lines of ” Mom I really want you at my wedding, my day would not be complete with out you there. However, I love Dad too and want him there. I love you both equally and I cannot chose between you. Please do not put me in that posisiton. If you feel that you absoulutely cannot be in the same room as dad for an hour, I understand, however you need to understand that that will be YOUR decision and I will be very hurt and disapointed that you chose not to attend my wedding. “
Post # 7
imalittlebirdie: This was helpful; I like your phrasing a lot.
Post # 8
Totally agree with imalittlebirdie. I’m sorry, OP. If you end up not having one of them there for whatever reason, you can always plan a separate nice dinner or something with the people that didn’t go. I know it’s not the same, but at least it would give you a chance to celebrate with them.
Post # 9
Wow, what a tough situation for you! I think you should sit your mother down and have an honest conversation where you explain that she is being unreasonable… The phrasing that imalittlebirdie just suggested would be perfect. Explain that no matter how hurt she is about what your dad did etc, it is not okay that she is hurting you by putting you in this position!
Post # 10
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
I tell my daughters ages 5 & 6 that they are pulling a brat move when they issue an ultimatum or throw a fit to get what they want. Sorry, but your mom doesn’t sound any different than my girls. I feel you should acknowledge her pain but this is YOUR WEDDING DAY! It’s one day out of the rest of her life.
Post # 11
Ms.Klaus: Invite them both. Ask your mother to attend for your sake.
*Lots* of divorced parents manage to behave for a day for the sake of their child’s wedding. My mother did it (after my father left her after a long marriage, and remarried). Yours can too.
Post # 12
its not fair for your mom to put you in that position and I think you should tell her that. Her feelings towards your dad are her problem frankly. Sorry to word it harshly but my parents tried that crap with me for years. You are not responsible for how they feel about each other.
Post # 13
Ms.Klaus: Invite both. You will probably find that on the day, they would love to see you married more than they hate each other and will put it aside for the day.
Post # 14
Invite both of them. If your mum is selfish enough not to go then that’s her problem. I sure as hell would not accommodate that disgusting behavior. My mum can’t stand my dad but there’s no way she’d do this. If she really doesn’t go than you probably are better off without her.
Post # 15
Why would you even consider not inviting your dad? You are choosing your selfish mum over your dad. Do you realise how much that will hurt him? Your mum is doing this to herself, she needs to move on. Your dad does not deserve to be punished for this.