Post # 1
Ok girls, this is crazy!
I visited my soon to be FI’s family this last weekend, and his mother and I had a serious discussion. She says that I do not know the real Nathan. She says that she doesn’t want me to get hurt. Apparently, he has a terrible temper and has treated his family terribly for years.
He has told me that he is not close to his family but he always said that his mother was the problem.
His sisters made comments about how he’s only nice when I’m around and how they want me to go on vacation with them so that he won’t be hateful. His younger brother avoids him and doesn’t even talk to him.
He has been a complete sweetheart with me and my family, but now I am totally concerned. I have postponed any commitments for now (including the engagement and proposal) but I am starting to feel that I may have been conned. It’s hard for me to hear him say he loves me and I don’t feel like I know who I am dating.
I don’t want to break up with him based on hearsay, and really even if he did mistreat them he truly could have changed since he was a teenager. Advice?
Post # 3
How long have you known him. Sometimes people are on their best behavior for a while in the beginning of a relationship, I am a strong believer in dating someone for a long time (2 or more years) before getting engaged because it allows you to spend time with them through good, bad and otherwise. I was engaged before to someone where it happened too fast and then they showed their true colors once we had been together for more than 2 years. Same was true for Mr Mini, he got engaged quickly, then his ex-FI showed her true colors (also around the 2 year mark)
Post # 4
Well I’ve been in a two year abusive relationship before and do not want to waste my time if he’s going to be controlling, and I really think he kind of is already. He calls and texts constantly and cannot handle when we are not together. He’s very into PDA and always comments about other guys looking at me…. I am worried that his mom is right. She probably is because she’s known him all of his life.
Post # 5
I can see why you are worried, and my priority will be to try not to judge your situation like I know everything, the truth is the only one that can know things for sure is you.
My first opinion is that if you are getting engaged you should have the trust to ask him what really happened with his family, because it sounds like they are hurt and maybe the wish they could have the same easy-going relationship you have with him.
I would advice you not to make any dramatic decision, just ask yourself if you guys are really ready for marriage, if you have any doubts, maybe you should wait and get to know him a little more, but don´t start thinking he is fake or mean just because they said so, because that really would not be fair to him, if he really hasn´t shown you that behavior before.
I hope this helped you a little!
Post # 6
Wow. That’s a tough situation. I do think you can’t judge a person on their teenage behavior. There are plenty of kids who pain in the butt jerks and then grow out of it.
However, if the behavior that you’re witnessing for yourself is concerning you, then I think that’s what you need to focus on- not what others say about how he treats them.
Being controlling is a bad sign.
My ultimate advice would be to trust your gut. If you have doubts, they are probably legitimate.
Post # 7
I would take his family’s words seriously. Definitely don’t take a big commitment step right now (towards engagement) with those words hanging over your head. DEFINITELY try to lengthen the relationship a bit — how long have you been going out? I agree with Ms. Mini…give it at least 1 year, preferably more, before you get engaged. That doesn’t mean you can’t discuss marriage and what you’re looking for in a husband/wife, in terms of kids/money/etc. My fiance and I talked about all this stuff long before we got engaged, and I’m very glad that we did. =)
That said, it is possible that he might have changed, or that he just might have issues with his family. I know that my fiance has A LOT of issues with his family, ESPECIALLY with his father. And he sometimes bad-mouths his mother/brother/aunt/uncles/etc. BUT he loves me and my family (and has done nothing to suggest otherwise). He just grew up in a family situation that he is not a fan of.
Does your boyfriend have any close long-term friends you can talk to? Maybe they know the story behind all this family animosity. If, after a while longer (a couple months? more?) you feel that your boyfriend really is as awesome as he is around you, maybe address it with him. Start off the conversation with "hey, one time your mom said something really weird to me…" and work to make sure that A) he knows you’re not accusing him of anything, and B) try not to point blame too much at his mom/family.
=) Good luck. I hope this works out for you!
Post # 8
Ok, that’s very concerning! I’m sure we don’t have the entire story, but I would really be careful!! I don’t mean to scare you, but if he’s being controlling and always needing to know where you are and what you’re doing, that’s a red flag to me. Maybe I’ve read one too many magazine articles about women being hurt (physically and/or emotionally) by men they "trusted", but I would agree not to get too serious with him and keep your guard up!
I just don’t understand why his entire family would talk badly about him like that. Obviously, there is something wrong (either with him or with his family)!
Post # 9
Well first of all how long have you two been together? And if you don’t feel like you know who you are dating then I strongly agree about you holding everying off. If it’s hard for him to say i love you, are you sure he really does then?
But, good luck, I hope you make the right decision for you.
Post # 10
Oh no it’s easy for him to say he loves me. It’s just hard for me to believe it sometimes, and part of that is because I have been duped and abused before. I have talked to him about it and he and his mother are going to seek counseling, which I think is a good step.
Thanks for the advice. I have told him I think we need to wait another 6 months and reevaluate our relationship before a proposal.
Marriage is forever, and I want to make sure I know what kind of partner I’m commiting to and who he really is before I do so.
His family is very odd and has a lot of problems, so they could be the issue. But if they are not the problem, I don’t want to get stuck in a bad marriage.
Post # 11
I’d say be careful, listen to your doubts, and listen carefully to what his family has to say and the way in which they say it — do they seem like they still love him despite their belief that he mistreats them? They could be speaking out of anger or out of an old understanding of who he is.
People CAN change, but it is a long long road and if I were in your situation I’d really want to see him interact with his family a LOT before committing to anything further. I say this because my brother sounds like what your BF’s family is describing. I love him SO much, he is one of my best friends, but he has very bad anger problems that have more than once led to domestic abuse of my mother, father, and other brother. He is improving SO much lately, and I am proud of him, but he definitely seems way way nicer to other people. When his friends meet me, they rave to me about how awesome he is, and while I have to agree that he IS indeed an awesome guy, I know a very unattractive side of him that they just don’t see, because he is on good behavior with them, and they don’t push his buttons the way our family does.
So I would also recommend that if you bring this up with him (you probably should) to watch carefully how he responds. If he gets angry, or says that it is all his family’s problem, not his (what my brother says when he’s mad), then please proceed with caution. If you marry him, you become family and enter into that sphere of people who he allows to see his ugly side. You’ll never find a man without an ugly side of one degree or another, but it is up to you to choose if you want to live with this man’s ugly side or not.
Post # 12
I have also been in an abusive relationship before. I think that deep down you already know what the right answer is. It’s always been my experience to listen to that nagging feeling you have that something just isn’t right. If you are in the right relationship then even if the timing isn’t quite right there shouldn’t be any doubts about marriage, if that makes sense. Just be extremely careful… also keep in mind that even though he and his mother have problems, she would have to be the most vindictive person in the world to tell you things that she had just made up, especially things that are that negative. The red flags are all over the place – pay attention to them. Good luck, I hope it works out the best way possible for you!
Post # 13
Tread lightly. She sounds like she is giving you some advice, not being freaky, right? That being said, it has opened your eyes and made you notice a few things abuot him here and there, right??
Listen to your gut. Tell him you’re not ready for marriage yet and want date longer. Which you’ve done. Perfect. How did he react? Time will tell you. We all do shady things as teens, but his mom is literally sitting you down and telling you not to marry her son and why??? I think this is a red flag. SOMEBODY has something majorly wrong with them. Either she’s lying and your SO is wonderful, or she’s helping you and your SO is hiding something from you.
Are you saying you’ve known him for 2 years or you were in a different relationship for 2 years? if your women’s intuition is sending you some signals, LISTEN TO IT. You sound like you are cautious and wary, which is a good thing. Her saying something to you souns like it has reinforced something you already knew, at least a little bit. There’s something about his behavior that YOU don’t like, otheriwse you would have brushed it off…maybe your SO needs some help? An anger issue? Make sure he really has changed before you committ if there is any doubt in your mind. Good luck!
Post # 14
The two year thing was about a previous relationship.
I’ve only known Nathan for about a year now…we were planning to get engaged in the next 3 months, but I’ve told him we need to postpone atleast 6 months, then I want probably a two year engagement.
Post # 15
Update: I have done some further investigating and found out his mom is definitely trying to sabatoge the relationship because he told her he is planning to propose in the next six months and she freaked out.
Post # 16
Sorry for all the stress you’re experiencing. Did you think about still seeking counseling just the two of you?