(Closed) Momma's Boy Drama

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
15 posts
Newbee

@Steffeyy:  Girl, you are so not overreacting. My boyfriend and fiance-to-be is exactly the same way. I’ve been dating the guy for two years, he’s a grown man, and yet he always bows to his mother’s wishes! She recently decided that she doesn’t like me anymore too, and that has put so much strain on our relationship as a couple. She constantly has him babysitting or running errands for her/her mother/even her neighbors! She freaks out if he misses one family dinner or social event (they live in a nice neighborhood and she totally thinks she is high society). She acts jealous that he spends more time with me, but um, HELLO, I’m the woman who he wants to birth his children and that’s kind of a big deal.

This week they are on a family vacation at the beach. She managed to invite her neighbors and their child, but guess who got left out? That’s right, the most important woman in his life. I’m sick of her trying to monopolize his time and manipulate him when she doesn’t get his way. We go to college in the same state and she won’t even let the poor guy have his car because she says he will ruin his life by coming to see me all the time. Of course, it’s fine me for me to spend hundreds of dollars on travel expenses to make it to their family events because I want to be with him.

She tells my boyfriend that I am trying to “turn him against her” and “make him hate his own mother.” It’s completely psycho. I can’t even tell you how angry it makes me.

We have already broken up once over her behavior and I’m trying to be patient, but like I’ve explained to him, when you marry a man, you’re also marrying his family.

In contrast, my family loves my boyfriend and welcomes him all the time. I’m not even allowed under his mother’s roof anymore. Go figure.

Post # 4
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

First:

“Our Priest had us do this exercise – he gaves us a scenario of where my fiance, his mother, and myself are in a boat. The boat begins to sink and he can only save one of us – guess who he picked? HIS MOTHER!”

 

^^ If he’d picked you and let his mother drown, that would be equally as horrible. This “exercise” is pointless. Just pointless.

 

Second, is he an only child? How old is his mother? Part of growing up is taking care of your parents. And once you marry him, his mom is your mom too…and you are also taking on the responsibility of taking care of his mother as she grows older. Are you prepared for this?

 

Last, I do agree that you DO need to change as well. You can’t be completely resentful of his mom like you seem to be. It’s not fair to her or him… he’s her son and she’s his mother. They’re always going to be mother and son.

 

And this is just the tip of the iceberg… once you have kids, how is that going to change things? Are you going to be resentful of his mother’s involvement in their lives? Marriage and relationships are about compromise. Yes, he needs to compromise…but so do you. Especially if he’s an only child and you are not…because part of being an only child is basically taking full responsibility for your parents as they age.

Post # 5
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

When someone tells you what/how they are…believe it.

Your Fiance loves his mother more than you.  He has told you that with his words, and shown you that with his actions.  He would let you die over her…what else do you need to hear?

This “man” is not ready for marriage.  I would have dumped his sorry ass in the priest’s office and never looked back, but it’s ultimately up to you to decide if you’re content playing second fiddle to his mommy for the rest of your life.

Post # 6
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@LR2012:  Everything you said.  Weddingbee needs a “like” button!!!

 I couldn’t marry a man that loves his mother more than me.  He for sure loves his mother more than he loves you.  Do not think that this will do anything but get worse after you are married.

Post # 7
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Can the two of you perhaps sit down and write a schedule for family visits? I know this may sound a little contrived but if you sit down and decide which weekends you are going to see his family, which weekends you are going to see yours and which weekends you are going to just spend time together or with friends, perhaps that could be the start of some open communication, and a way for your fiance to see that there needs to be a balance of things in life. 

Post # 8
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OOPS! this is rough. Ladies, sorry to say this, it is not going to change when you get married. 

This did not happen to me, but to one of my sisters, in the end her husband moved out of the house and back in with his mother.

Whenever we we asked our sister for him, she replies, he is with his wife. The man cares more about his mother more than his own children.

Momma’s boy?….the umbilical cord was never cut. 

 

Post # 9
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Couples therapy, stat. Your Future Mother-In-Law is not coping well with her son growing up. The solution is for her son to assert himself. If he won’t stand up for your relationship now, he never will. 

Also, if you want him to take you seriously when you say you don’t want him at his mom’s place every weekend, you have to start doing your laundry somewhere else. You can’t ask him to cut the cord without doing the same yourself. 

Post # 10
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I had this problem a couple months before I got married.

I actually wrote a very long vent thread anonymosly about how I wanted to leave him because I couldn’t handle it.

What I did was have a 100% honest heart to heart with him.

I am telling you, when you threaten to leave him if he doesn’t chnage, things happen really quickly, good or bad. In my case, it was good and I realize now that had I not had that honest heart to heart with him, I would have left him and he would still be living with his mother.

 

Post # 11
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

How a man treats his mother, is how he will treat you.  If he yells and is disrespectful to his mother, one day he will be the same to you.  He has a great relationship with his mom, so at least he has that going for him.  Maybe you need to start reminding him, “One day, you’ll be the head of this household, and will have to take care of your own family, are you ready to do that?”

I do think it was rude for him to leave you at the bridal show, I would have given my fiance an earful for that.  (I’m sure you did too 🙂 )

Post # 12
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

To be fair, it does sound like you guys see your family a lot.  You said yourself you go over there once a week (whether he chooses to go with you or not is irrelevant, you could also choose not to go with him to his mom’s house) and on top of that your family has get togethers every other week.  It actually sounds like you see your family more than he sees his. 

Don’t get me wrong, I hate a mama’s boy just as much as the next girl, but I’m not quite sure he actually IS one. That question your priest asked is stupid.  If someone asked me that about my husband or my mother, I’m not sure how I’d answer.  I love my husband but my mom is my mom. It’s not a matter of loving one “more” than the other, it’s just a different kind of love, which makes it a horrible question to ask someone. 

Why do you have to go visit his mom with him every week?  Can’t you make plans to do something else? Maybe make that your girls day or something?  I think that might honestly be the best solution here.

Post # 13
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@hammerpants:  “That question your priest asked is stupid.”

It seems like a stupid question, but I see why it was asked. His answer should have been something along the lines of jumping himself so both women would live.  The priest was testing his chivalry and he failed the test.

Post # 14
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ok so Darling Husband at first was like this too. He was talking 2 hours on the phone everyday with his mom. It took us to move 14 hours away and have him realise his mom is a very selfish person to start becoming less attached. Darling Husband and i are planning on working in different reagions this winter and he will come see me for christmas for one day and guess what he is not going to tell his mom that hes in town because he wants to spend christmas with me instead.

Post # 15
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Steffeyy:  You got yourself a problem.  If it was just visits I’d say it’s a workable problem.  But picking his Mom in the exercise you guys did… not a good sign.  He’s choosing you to be his wife.  That means you create your own family.  That doesn’t mean his Mom goes away, or your family disappears, but it means that you are each others #1 priority (and likewise the person you would save if the ship was going down).  Does he know what “forsaking all others” means?

I think this is a problem a lot of couples face before marrying.  The Mom and the soon-to-be spouse compete for the #1 slot.  You two need to hash this out prior to getting married because this is the start of the rest of your lives together.  Mommy dearest will always be in the picture, but your needs must come first.  He needs to make a commitment to you, that you and your family (as in you and him and any subsequent children) are and always will be his #1.  And you both have to compromise on when to make visits to his Mom.  In my world, once a week is a lot.  I’m sure you have a number in mind as does he.  Talk it out. 

If he is unwilling to change, the ball is in your court.  You either accept that this is how it will be for the entirety of your marriage, or break it off.

How old is he?

Post # 16
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off (( HUGS )) as I can tell you are really hurt over this (as you should be)

As the others have said, his ACTIONS AND WORDS clearly are telling you where his head & HEART lie in this equation… he is indeed a Momma’s Boy to the full extent !!

This will not IMPROVE after you get married… it will only get worse, culminating when you have Children of your own.

I think where we as women get confused by all this, is we’ve been told that you can tell how great a Husband a man can be based on how he treats his mother (how respectful he is of her)

Of course loving & respecting one’s Parents is a good thing most of the time, but when one marries, a Man is supposed to leave his HUGE commitment to his family behind, and give that kind of love to his Wife and future Children (this is spelled out in the Old Testament with Genisis 2:24)…

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Your Hubby-2-B doesn’t seem to be showing that he fully understands this aspect of marrriage emotionally (and what it means realistically)

As the others have said, I think when he said what he did in front of the Priest (aahem, this is Pre-Marriage Counselling… as in 2 People becoming 1).  I too would have no doubt cried, but I would have said OUT LOUD this is not acceptable… wondering were you embarrassed, holding back your emotions in front of the Priest, or were you just too in love to even realize that you are “giving a piece of yourself away” and now only thru reflection are seeing that this is a big part of not only the relationship you two have, but also is tied into your self-respect ?

I think I might not have walked out of the Counselling as others have suggested, but I can certainly say that there would have been words (aka a fight) on the way home.  And something along the lines of… “Hey if you LOVE her that much… then marry her… cause I am out of here”

If he can’t see this… there truthfully is something wrong.  If he won’t commit to going to counselling then you aren’t going to have him see the light.

Honestly, at this point in time, if he won’t go to counselling and begins to work on this aspect of your marriage NOW… then I’d be post-poning the Wedding… or sitting down and thinking whether this is the life you want in the future (any gal who has married a man who loves his Momma more than he loves her, can tell you this NEVER ends well… inevitably they end up fighting thru their marriage a lot on this issue, and it only gets worse when the kids come.  If a Momma has “power” in a marriage, it truly cannot work… as the balance of power is held outside of the relationship)

Sorry, I don’t have better news.  I can tell you that WALKING (getting time apart) at the 2 month to go mark will most certainly get his attention.  It will tell you a lot about the situation… and what the future might hold.  The ball may be in your court right now (stay or go, post-poning or not), but you have to hit it back to him in a way that he is forced to make a decision… (counselling or not).  Only then will you know HOW committed he is to you and this marriage.

Honestly, my heart is breaking for you.  Because I know what it is like to love someone so fully, but have doubts about their “family issues” leading up to the wedding.  I think that if I had listened to the little voice in my head (and the feeling in my gut) I might have made a different choice.  It might have saved me a lot of fighting in my marriage… and ultimately 20 years with someone that took me (and my feelings) for granted (my Hubby had many issues, that ultimately led to our Divorce, but his putting his family’s opinions ahead of mine, certainly exacerbated our problems)

Hope this helps,

EDIT TO ADD – The whole 3 people in the boat scenario is a good one.  Because a REAL MAN should have said, as someone else noted, he’d jump ship, to save you both, the people he adhors the most in the world.  (there is a reason the rule on the seas, is Women & Children first… not Moms & Adult Sons).  It also is a clear indicator of his position on the PAST – PRESENT – and FUTURE.  As someone else said this was a significant indicator of his commitment to you and he FAILED !!

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