- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I’m really seeking perspective and since I’m a stepmom with no bio kids of my own yet, I feel I may not be thinking like a bio parent…So I want to hear perspectives from Bees with kids who are divorced especially…
When I met DH he was divorced about 4.5 years. From what I could tell, things were pretty calm between he and his ex. He didn’t really complain about her and the only thing I could see that was odd was that he was essentially his child’s “taxi”…she used him for pick-ups instead of going herself. That was changed and we thought things were ok. So when I moved in with him, we were suprised by her emails…they seemed more intrusive…asking weird questions and not being satisfied w/the answers. Asking stuff that wasn’t her business. They were mostly ignored and eventually we got engaged. That’s when the shit hit the fan. Within days she was sending horrible emails to my now husband accusing him of not being a good dad, not spending time with his child, not making his child the priority, etc. I was shocked b/c that is for sure not my partner. He did try to defend himself but we have now seen that was the beginning of a shit storm…ever since she has been difficult, accusatory and just mean. My DH is really sweet and at that time, I could kind of sense that she knew his soft spot was their child and was using it to her advantage.
When I met DH his child was involved in 1 activity. DH made suggestions for him to be involved in other things but his ex (in her new shit storm) flat out ignored. Not much he could do, he ignored it. In the last few months, b/c of her attitude and mistreatment of DH in front of their child, he started not getting out of the car during pick-ups (child is in 2nd grade) and his ex had a fit. She also seemed to find ways to have him “come inside” and keep him there longer than needed…he hated it. Since this was on the advice of our attorney, her tantrums were just ignored and he stays in car. DH is simply trying to keep peace while picking up his child.
Additionally, at the start of her behavior, DH suggested their son start going to therapy b/c child was having behavior problems in school. Ex put this off for months coming up with every excuse in the book. After about 6 months, she finally relented and started taking him but the counselor essentially told her the things she is doing with their child is wrong in a lot of ways and how DH handles him is working. I’m sure it was hard for her to hear but DH said she needed to hear it from someone b/c she wouldn’t listen to him. Again, she wouldn’t still sign child up for more activities, despite being asked by DH, the child and suggestions of the counselor.
Fast forward to today and she has the child involved in an activity literally every single day, except the day DH has him each week, but the activity is that he comes here. This is in addition to school and homework. (When he’s with us, he begs us to just sit and relax. This has been told to her but she ignored it.) Even on weekends he’s with us she plans activities for child w/o asking DH and expects him to drop everything and take him. B/c I support exposure to fun things and bonding with his child, I have told him to try to work with her…we will make our lives work. But now, it’s literally daily…except Sundays when they are in church all day.
She now expects DH to now show up at every single activity, his time or not. (Lately she’s also started planning things she knows he can’t attend…it’s all the same to her.) And if he doesn’t he gets an email complaining he’s a bad father and not showing their child enough love. While I think it’s great DH is around his child, I questioned what would happen if they lived together (that’s what she always says they should follow, in an effort to maintain the same household as if they were married) and he said that maybe only 1 would go b/c the other would be working, etc. and I asked why is it different? He couldn’t come up with an answer and said I made a good point.
These are my questions:
– Is my DH in the wrong for not going to a practice when it’s not his time? He says he wants to go to games (his time or not) and I think that is totally ok…sometimes I go too.
– Is it weird to anyone else she is sending him emails each time he doesn’t show up to practices or other small activities, questioning his involvement?
– I get the feeling since we got married (just a few months) she has started making their child’s life so “full” as if to make sure DH isn’t at home, with me. (Keep in mind, DH works 10+ hours a day at a schedule he cannot change…He’s tried explaining this to her but she says in response she just manages her life around their child and he should to…) I could be speculating but something just feels OFF to me…Maybe I just don’t know.
If any Bees have ideas or want to share how they handle their child exchanges or visits…that would be great! Thank you!