Post # 1
What do I say to my mother who didn’t come to my wedding (that was in her state) because she was mad at my sister? She has always been toxic, I limit contact with her, but I do make an effort every year to visit her, I take my vacation time, take my daughter down to Florida to see her, I call her on holidays, I don’t expect anything from her…I am used to this behavior, the lies she tells, the “only if it benefits me” mentality she has…she and my Dad divorced when I was 12 and she was deemed an unfit mother by the courts…but I still try.
She didn’t come because my sister “didn’t buy enough Mountain Dew for the trip”. My sister decided to leave at 6 am, and was pleading with my mother to get in the car, and she went in the house and slammed the door. Later that day, after my sister arrived (we were 4 hours away on the west coast of FL) my uncle put terrible things on my sister’s FB about it..how they abandoned her, how my sister is greedy…my Mom has everyone fooled..but my sister and I have both lived with her (she and her husband and 4 year old still do).
This is typical behavior for my Mom, the lies, and the stealing, and the everyone owes me….but it was my WEDDING!! I was let down, and a little embarrassed. Mostly I just felt crappy when my sister arrived and everyone asked where my Mom was. She hasn’t called me, and I’m not going to call her. But I know she will eventually get on the phone when I call my sister and I just don’t know what to say to her. She stays high all day and night so talking to her is ridiculous. I don’t know, I just feel like I should be ready to defend myself? It’s dumb, I know, but I just feel let down. I even sent her a dress and she said she loved it! I guess no matter how old we are we still try to please our parents.
Post # 3
wow… that’s awful!
im so sorry you’re going through this…
i would be livid! just tell her how you felt. :/
Post # 4
@MississippiQueen: Can I recommend a book to you? It’s called “Adult Children of Abusive Parents,” by Steven Farmer : http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Abusive-Parents-Emotionally/dp/0345363884/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1343968920&sr=8-1&keywords=adult+children+of+abusive+parents
This might help to put some of your mother’s behavior in perspective, and to emancipate yourself from feeling let down by her. She is incapable of operating the way you hope she would, especially if she has drug / alcohol problems.
Please do not think this is personal. She did not do this to spite you, even though the outcome directly affected you. She has a problem, and likely no amount of reasoning with her will get any remorse from her. And for what it’s worth, there’s nothing to defend yourself about. You did nothing wrong.
I completely understand where you’re coming from though. I felt the same embarrassment when my father did not come to my wedding. Luckily no one bothered to ask me where he was; that would have been too painful. It just put into perspective for me what he is capable of, and what his priorities are. When he did not bother to walk his self addressed / stamped RSVP card to the mailbox to let me know one way or the other if he was coming, I knew how much my wedding mattered to him, in reality. I wasn’t terribly surprised when he did not show up. But it was still a giant slap in the face.
Post # 5
By the way, congratulations on getting married. Try to focus on the outcome of the day. You married your love!
Post # 6
Right? Husband’s entire family came, and of course I kept quiet about it..they are all very vanilla, no family drama, everyone loves each other, etc. Only the people on my side knew what was going on. Until I got inebbriated with husband’s cousins and started ranting…all in fun.
I’m used to her toxic behavior now, my sister and I usually can deal with it without letting it affect our lives. You are right, it was like a big slap in the face! She of course changed her story to the “I was going to rent a car the day of, but the price changed”…no, you just couldn’t deal that something wasn’t about you.
I get all that, I’m just dreading her getting on the phone because I feel like i will lose it, and say mean things to her that will make me feel bad..although she probably won’t remember it ten minutes later. She always asks, what’s today? How old are you now? Ugh.
I feel like this is a good time to write her out, I am the one that makes all the effort anyway, and I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking that this behavior is acceptable.
Post # 7
And thanks for the congrats, it was a good time and a really nice week spent with people that love us and are happy for us!!