(Closed) Mom’s can be so negative….

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I truly hopes she  comes around before the wedding day! He does not sound like a bad guy, I don’t see why she would have a problem with him. While I cannot offer a panacea for this problem, I certainly can relate. My Fiance called my father to let him know he was proposing and his response to him was “You’re an ok guy…..I guess.” After we got engaged, I called the house and my dad answered. I said “Dad, I’m engaged”, and he hung up on me! My Fiance was hurt by my dad’s comment and I was hurt by my dad hanging up on me. After I called back, my dad said he didn’t hear anyone on the other end….LOL. My father and I have always had a tumultuous relationship, so while it hurts, I expect it. Despite my father being a Debbie Downer, my mother has been very excited. Hopefully once the planning is in full swing your mom will step up and accept what you want. You are an adult and are capable of making decisions for youself. If you are in love, you are in love :-). Granted, it is hard when someone we love is unhappy, the ultimate happiness of importance is your own, IMO. Best of luck!

Post # 4
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I was pretty disappointed with my mom too. I said we went to pick out a ring and got kind of an “oh, that’s nice” response. No excitement. I went and picked out a dress and she said it looked pretty.  Gee thanks. My husband actually asked if my parents had cold feet about him. Granted, my mom at least has no problem spending money.

My mom loves me. She was SO happy at the wedding, helped out a lot the last week, and when she did see my ring and my dress she got excited. This is just how your mom is. Just like my parents never call me – I have to call them – and my mom is often too busy cleaning the house to talk to me. You know she loves you, but you also have to make your own choices and go for it. In the end I didn’t involve my mom too much in wedding planning – I told her what we decided on and quit asking for her approval.

Post # 5
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

Sorry to hear that you’re mother isn’t being too supportive, it must be difficult.

I can relate to having an overly critical and disapproving mother. I told my mother a few months ago that me and Boyfriend or Best Friend are discussing marriage, but that I’m waiting for him to buy a ring and propose. My mother basically ended up telling me she thought I was spoiled for wanting an engagement ring (despite the fact that she got an engagement ring when my father proposed!!), and when I said that it’s a nice tradition, she said I shouldn’t do stuff just because it’s tradition!

I know I shouldn’t care that she thinks that, but I really can’t comprehend it.

Post # 7
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I just want to tell you that I understand. My mom is a negative person, and she was no different for my wedding. Every time I tried to include her, it was always negative and brought me down and took the joy and fun out of planning. The funny thing was, she loves my husband and had no problems with us getting married. She’s just negative and can’t control her own emotions. I had to make the decision to not ask her opinion on things and just let her know when I did something new for the wedding. That was my way of including her but also not letting her negativity take away my joy for things. But I also had to not let her reactions or comments hurt me (that’s the hardest part).

I think it was good that you asked her at the beginning to not have a bad attitude and be positive. It sets your expectations up front and allows you to call her out when she’s having a bad attitude or being negative. You can and should call her out on the ways that she’s been making you feel bad. If your mom isn’t able to be outwardly excited for you, she can at least abstain from negativity.

I also had a big church wedding (my husband is the head pastor’s son and has been there almost his whole life), so I planned a wedding for 700 on a budget of $24,000! You can do it! Feel free to PM me if you ever need to vent about your mom or ideas for a huge wedding on a budget πŸ™‚

Post # 8
Member
10 posts
Newbee

I’ve been engaged a month and I can already tell my mom isn’t going to be the happy, optimistic supporter I thought I would get.  She’s VERY concerned with keeping the planning private, appropriate and is all about appearanes.  It’s not about having fun and bonding, instead its about doing things her way that follow the upper class look she wants.

Take the venue – she had ONE place in mind and its a country club.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very nice place, but it is a country club so kind of stuffy.  I could tell she really wanted it because it boosted her ego among friends.  I gave in – I don’t care!

Now we’re setting up the dress appointment.  My mom ALWAYS talks me into clothes I hate — to baggy and mature looking.  It’s never flattering and always mom-ish.  My Maid/Matron of Honor, on the other hand, alaways knows what looks best on me.  I want to invite her to the dress appointment to “counteract” my mom’s bad taste.  Of course, my mom’s throwing  afit, and wants to keep the appointment private and “just family”.  Who cares?  It’s SHOPPING!  I want my Maid/Matron of Honor there!

I think you’re right -you just take support and excitement where you can get it.  In my case, it’s my fiance, my Maid/Matron of Honor, and a friend of mine who is also a bride.  My twin sister has also been a debbie-downer, and is more focused on making sure my marriage won’t fail ($#!(^!) by putting the major microscope on my relationship.  I haven’t heard from her hardly at all (usually we talk every other day). 

 

Hang in there!  Lower your expectations about your mom and pick your battles I guess.  Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

So sorry to hear!!!

Sounds a lot like what I went through with my fiance’s mother. He was young when we met(I am 4 yrs older), 24, and also his first serious girlfriend. I went through a lot of issues with her….including her wanting us to elope, etc. Kept saying she didnt want him to make a mistake, etc….

My Future Mother-In-Law has finally come around a bit although there are still some issues….

I think and hope the same thing will happen for you. She’s shocked and having trouble letting go. You might have to draw some boundaries, and just not let up on your *expectations* of her. I would let her know eloping is out of the question and that you want to share the day with others and surround yourself with positive people. Maybe even keep her a little bit out of the plan’s details if necessary. Just ignore the comments. It’s not your fault they *don’t know* the fiance enough according to them. 

 

Good luck1

Post # 10
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

ah moms will be moms…i didnt read your whole story just the first paragraph..but my mom and me bump heads we r too alike…and dont seek for your mothers approval as long as ur happy…

Post # 11
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Yes, everyday seems like new mom drama with me.  I’ve made it an official rule to never speak to my mom about the wedding.  I even told her I don’t want any of her money, we will figure out a way to pay for this ourselves.  If she pays a cent, it won’t be a gift… we will owe her for the rest of our lives.  My fiance agreed and said, we should just send her an invitation and leave it at that.  Some days, I’m contemplating whether we should even do that.  It’s sad.  Mothers should be excited as well.  My friends who have been along side me in this journey, and even those who just dropped in from time to time, are excited.  I just try to focus on those people.  If she refuses to come around, then that will be her regret.  Mom’s are grownups or are supposed to be.  If we bend to their childish attitudes, it won’t help them.

Post # 12
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

we had to leave my fiances mom out of the details for quite awhile.

I’ve been trying to avoid my own mom actually…she was acting negative and controlling herself to an extent

Post # 13
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

wow we all have similar stories…mine was when i went looking for my first wedding dress..we were supposed to go get married in vegas this yr but that couldnt happen but we still are here..but anywho …she didnt like anything i loved so out the door and no dress in hand…thats not it she wanted to pick the wedding music for next yrs wedding…my big catholic mexican wedding…so i had to set my foot down and my groom just doesnt want my parents help …had to respect his wishes…

Post # 14
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow…I think my mom would murder someone to have me marry a youth pastor. πŸ™

She doesn’t approve of my choice either, and she tries to explain it away by saying things like, “Is there ever anyone good enough for your daughter?” and it just doesn’t help. I’ve been told that as my dad walks me down the aisle, he’s going to tell me that I don’t have to go through with it. Which is exactly what a girl wants to hear :(.

But, on the bright side, you have friends and mentors! That’s exactly what I’ve done – replaced what I should be getting from my mother with my friends. It helps a little, but I know it still hurts.

If it’s any consolation, they did the same with my sister’s fiance, and now, two years after they’ve gotten married, they honestly love him. So maybe just give them time, it won’t always be like this hopefully.

Post # 15
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@Almond: I completely agree. Moms are supposed to act like grownups, and catering to their childish behavior isn’t doing anyone any good. I had to tell my mom, “You’re the parent, so start acting like it. It’s not my job to parent you.”

Post # 16
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee

I’m pretty sure when we get deep into planning my mom will be in the negative camp as well. My sister who married first had the wedding my mom wanted. She got to plan and decide on everything, including guest list, food, etc. That wedding sucked. It was huge and full of people most of us didn’t know. The food was not good. The hotel it was in was shabby and ugly. It was not good.

My other sister paid for her own wedding and did it all on her own. My mother critized everything about it and kept making comments about how headstrong my sister is. Yes, mom, it’s very stubborn of someone to want to have their wedding in a way they like, instead of someone elses. Afterwards I think she was proud of how classy the wedding was and will now brag to people about it and where it was, etc.

I’ve already asked my BFF to go dress shopping with me when the time comes. I’d love to have my sisters and I probably will ask them to come to a final trial but they both have little kids, full time jobs, and one lives an hour away. I know that if I bring my mom she’ll just try to convince me that I’m too chubby to wear strapless, that I need a sash to give me a waist, that I should wear ivory instead of white, etc. etc. etc. I think in the end she’ll be supportive of whatever I choose, but I so do not want her negative comments or jokes. She calls me Brutus and laughs when I tell her it makes me sad. I know I’m overweight mom, please stop making fun of me. I just know she’s going to offer to make my dress. She did this in high school and I always ended up wearing ill-fitting sacks. Grrrrrrrr.

The topic ‘Mom’s can be so negative….’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors