Post # 1
I want to start by saying that I am VERY open to marijuana when it is used recreationally and responsibly. While it may not be physically addicting, I believe 100% that it can be mentally addictive. I also want to say that I am full aware that it is nowhere near the level alcohol, meth, heroin, or other drugs.
So my mom says she’s smoked almost every day since she was about 15, now 55. She also smoked cigarettes from this age, but quit 5 years ago. She also has told me that before i was born, she used to have a problem with cocaine. My mom is also very anxious, irritable, and has gone through depression. I believe she smokes weed to cope with these problems, as she refuses to take anti-depressents or go to therapy.
I never knew she smoked weed until I was about 17. She was never baked out of her mind or anything, was a single parent and worked as a successful electrician, which means lots of drug tests. The first time I knew she had a problem was when she told me she used my little sisters (8at the time) pee to pass he drug screen at work. Then when they had randoms, she turned to Spice and things got REALLY bad. She finally pulled herself out of it and then when she got a new contract that didnt include randoms went back to weed.
Recently she even had me ask MY boyfriend to pee in a cup for her drug screen…. And a couple days ago, she was driving 3 hours with my sister (now 19) to a lake resort and decided she just HAD to smoke in the car… and then got pulled over for speeding. When the cop mentions the smell she immediately blames my sister, who then gets an MIP. I was furious when I found out. Before this it wasnt really affecting anyone else directly, but she just threw her own kid under the bus. She feels terrible but I’m absolutely disgusted.
How do I go about talking to her? I know shes going to get defensive, and I hate making her feel worse that she does, but it has to stop here before something even worse happens. I also know I can’t control her actions or make her want to change.
Thanks for taking the time to read
Post # 2
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
amilly435 : I’m not sure there’s much you can do apart from talking to her and letting her know your thoughts and feelings. It’s true that you cannot make her do anything…
If she smokes while you’re in the car, chuck it out the window (or simply take it from her) and say you won’t let her put you at risk! She could pull over, jeeze. What is she doing driving under the influence anyways 😕
Post # 3
That’s awful! Yes, she definitely has a problem. My mom has smoked and sold weed as long as I’ve known her. She is now 66. I tried for many years to get her to stop. She’d smoke while driving, she’s been arrested a couple of times for dealing, etc. I tried for many years to get her to stop. You’d think her having to go to jail when I was 14 would be enough to convince her. But, no. She does what she wants.
You can try to talk to her about your concerns. Most likely, it won’t help. Otherwise, you can tell her that you won’t be around her while she’s actually smoking. It won’t stop her from being high when she’s around you. I’d make sure I never ride in a car while she’s driving after what she did to your sister! There is no way I’d take the fall for my mom. Otherwise, I don’t think there is much you can do.
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
Holy shit I cannot believe she threw your sister under the bus like that! Was your sister smoking with her? (Not that it really matters, but at least it would explain why she likely assumed some guilt).
That is terrible to hear. I really have no advice, because like all substance dependency problems, the person will have to want to quit for themselves in order to stop or seek help. Your mom sounds incredibly selfish.
Do you have children? I absolutely would not allow her to visit them unsupervised.
Post # 5
Instead of talking to her about her use of marijuana, tell her that you will not help her avoid the consequences of her drug use nor be in a car with her.
Also, if you can, advise your sister to never be in a car with your mother unless it’s absolutely necessary, and to be the driver if it is necessary. If your sister doesn’t have a car, help her to get one; not by paying for one, but by helping her to find one. If she can’t drive, help her to learn how to.
You can’t change her, but you sure can go hands-off and let her deal with every single consequence on her own, including the consequence of not being able to be in the same car as her own daughters.
Post # 6
Thanks everyone. Its such a messed up situation and i never thought I’d have to be dealing with it, because I really never thought it was an issue.
Ill add that my sister does smoke and did have weed with her, but she was not the cause of the smell. My mom also told me that she didnt smoke in the car but rather at a rest stop and the smell followed. I’m going to take the approach of not allowing her to escape the consequences, as suggested and I’ll definitely warn my sister not to be a passenger anymore. My sister said shes not going to smoke anymore since it scared her so much. She is in college living at home for the summer, whereas I moved 2 hours away so I dont have to deal with it. And I dont have kids- but like I said I never considered the possibility of not letting her watch them 🙁
I gently talked to her and told her how much it scared me and that I’m worried about her. Of course she still got defensive, and then said “it was an eye opener. Yeah I was stoned but Ive been smoking so long that it doesnt affect me any more. Next time I’ll be better prepared.” WHAT?! I chickened out and didnt go off on her but that pissed me off soooo much. I’m mad at myself that I let her make me feel silenced. She then tells my sister that I “chastised” her…. really? For telling you the truth?
Post # 7
amilly435 : What your mom did to your sister was terrible, but the fact that it scared her is a silver lining. I’m glad she decided to stop smoking.
Post # 8
Rhopalocera : very true. Im proud of her for making that decision, especially now because if she gets caught again itll be way worse.
Post # 9
Just wanted to make a comment on weed and addiction. There is still more research ongoing but, the current thinking is that pot is addictive in 10-30% of regular users. It’s a bit of an oddity in that it’s possible to be physically addicted without being psychologically addicted. So, if your mom is one of those who is physically addicted, she will go through withdrawal. It’s nowhere near as severe as other drugs, though.
The National Institute on Drug Addiction claims there is a definite causation link between pot use and mental disorders, eg schizophrenia. But, the link to depression and anxiety is more tenuous at this time, though the correlation is significant.
Hope This Helps.
Post # 10
Hi there, weed is addictive. It’s a drug. It replaces the natural dopamine that is produced in the human body with a chemical that replicates it (THC). So, yes, it’s addictive, contrary to popular/non-medical advice/opinions (not facts).
And of course people who use it will tell you that it’s not addictive or bad to validate their abuse/use of the drug.
Although I do agree that its not ‘as bad’ as heroine, it’s still a drug, and she still relies on it. She also put your sister in danger which by the way, driving under the influence, although difficult to prove (they are working on that by the way), is ILLEGAL. Trust me, I know. Does she want to get locked up? Those are real consequences to think about, but probably hasn’t because she’s gotten away with it for so long.
Unfortunately, she’s in denial and it sounds like a long standing habit that she has no interest in kicking. So the conversation is, ‘I will not be around you when you are using’. ‘I will not get into a vehicle with you while using’ and suggest to your sister to place the same boundaries on her.
Realizing that she is deeper into the addiction than you or she wants to believe if she tried to avoid consequences by throwing your sister/her child under the bus.
You are not the bad guy. There are consequences and boundaries you can place on her, but you can’t force her to quit.
There is al-anon for support for YOU and if she ever wants to quit there’s ‘NA’.
Post # 11
avprobeauty : thank you for this! I agree with all of it and the bold is especially true. Im in therapy for anxiety and I think im going to talk to her about some resources for CoA and al-anon support. I’ve pointed out a couple times that she’s at risk of going to jail almost every day because of how much she smokes and her car very frequently smells, and again she says she just isn’t “prepared”.
Post # 12
amilly435 : its a good suggestion please don’t be discouraged if she doesn’t want help tho 🙂
Post # 13
avprobeauty : I think that’s the hardest part to really come to terms with