(Closed) Mom's expectations about my wedding

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I would let her know that it was my wedding on my budget and that if she was really concerned about what other people would think then we can a) not invite those gossipy a-holes to the wedding at all; b) mom can pitch in her own cash to upgrade whatever she thinks isn’t good enough; or c) mom can get over it and shut up.

Post # 4
2685 posts
Sugar bee

I had kind of a similar debate with my mom about flowers.  She wanted me to have real flowers because “the bride should always have real flowers”, but I wanted to make a bouquet out of crepe paper roses to save money.  I acknowledged her views but ultimately it is my wedding which I am paying for.  Guests will always have opinions on decor and details, but your opinion matters most here.


After I finished my first bouquet, I sent her a pic of it and she loved it, and now she’s totally on board with this idea.  I’d recommend sending her pics of finished DIY bouquets (even better if it’s one you’ve created yourself) to see if that sways her.

Post # 7
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Have you told your mom what you said to us in your second paragraph there? She may just not realize how her comments are affecting you and making you feel about you and your FI’s wedding day. I know sometimes my mom just doesn’t think before making comments like that, but if I tell her I’m feeling hurt and why, and that I know it’s not her intention to make me feel that way but I’m feeling a bit sensitive about it, she’s apologize and watch what she said a bit more. Hoping your mom is reasonable and you can have that kind of conversation with her!

Post # 8
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

She sounds a lot like my in-laws! They were freaking out before the wedding, because they didn’t know exactly how it was going to look, it was a “different” wedding (every wedding they’ve been to has been in a church), or because we said over and over we just wanted a casual day.

Father-In-Law got really upset when I said I didn’t care if the groomsmen’s shoes didn’t match, as long as they were comfortable. Mother-In-Law was stressing over the fact that she thought I was wearing an ivory dress (the dress was ivory and purple). All because people might judge us for how things looked.

We dealt with it with a few key phrases:

  1. “If someone is going to not enjoy our wedding because the shoes don’t match, the bride’s not in pristine white, or because the caterers are a bunch of CWA ladies, we don’t want them at our wedding. We only want people that are happy for us there; not judgemental twats.”
  2. “We don’t care if they don’t enjoy the day. All we want to do is marry each other, and we will both be happy as long as that happens. If others aren’t happy, then that’s their problem – we’ll be too excited to even notice them.”
  3. When the in-laws started saying “You need to do/have…” We responded with “The only things we need for a wedding is us, a celebrant and two witnesses. Everything else is just fluff. If you’re going to stress so much over unnecessary details, perhaps we should just cut this wedding back to the basics and just have what we actually need, and nothing else.

Post # 10
2934 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@Little_Nut88:  I think you should just have a serious talk with her about this. Acknowledge that there might be some guests who are judgmental or snotty about your choices during or after the wedding, but that you aren’t going to let this possibility influence the decisions you make. It could be PERFECT and they could still find something to bitch about, so WHY should you go to all the extra effort of trying to anticipate what will satisfy them when it is YOU and your FI’s opinions (and wallets) that matter? Tell her it’s really important to you that she support you in what YOU want for YOUR wedding, and that she set aside her concerns about what these few people might think. She doesn’t even LIKE them!

Post # 12
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Little_Nut88:  I hear you about the ‘social event of the year’ lol. I’ll tell you like I’ve continually told my mother “Oh, that’s a great idea…are you going to pay for it?!?”

Make that your default response and it will stop or she will open up that wallet. 

Post # 13
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Little_Nut88:  I think it helped them realise that we didn’t want a big fluffy wedding. We just wanted to get married and have fun while doing it. When we hinted that we wouldn’t care if people didn’t enjoy it (or just flat-out wouldn’t invite them), they quickly got on board. They even organised and paid for the things they wanted that we didn’t (wedding cake, etc.).

The in-laws even started repeating our second little catchphrase there! Though it always sounded very forced coming from them and was more of a “We give up. You guys do it your way. As long as you enjoy yourselves….” So they weren’t entirely happy, but it got them off our backs and we ended up having a great time at the wedding, and everyone else we’ve spoken thinks it was a fantastic day.

Post # 14
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Little_Nut88:  My mom is totally like this– except none of my relatives really care how fancy schmancy my wedding is.

What Fiance keeps telling me, and what I’ve adopted as my philosophy, it’s a few hours out of all of your guests lives.  At the end of the day, you, Fiance, and your mom will be the only ones to remember the details of it.  I think you should tell her this. 

Post # 15
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m having a lot of similar issues, but I’m struggling because my mom is the one financing the wedding so I don’t want to fight her on things, but she is so set in her ways about a lot of old “traditional” things. Ceremony music can’t have words, engagement photos aren’t necessary, shoes have to be white, our photographer was too “funky,” filet has to be one of the meal choices otherwise we look “cheap.” And those are just a few of the issues we’ve had over the month we’ve been planning. I usually just bite my lip from a retort but then push ahead with what I want and we’ve either managed to come to a peaceful compromise or she comes over to my side on all of them so far.

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