Post # 1
Looking for a little support and insight here, because what I’m facing just sucks royally.
So my mom has not been very involved in my wedding planning by choice. She indicated she wanted to be very hands off, but wanted to be present when I said yes to the dress. So I invited her when I found it and she said she didn’t like the dress I chose and didn’t offer any support whatsoever. Luckily, my other BMs and Mother-In-Law did. My mom just sat there and didn’t say a word. No reaction.
She’s been very distant since the whole wedding dress debacle. We’ve not been speaking, etc, and there’s clearly tension. So, I contacted her to talk about the tension and see if we could work past it. The conversation didn’t exactly go smoothly, but I tried to stay as calm and reasonable as possible. During our follow up conversation, she attacked my dress again, saying how ugly it was and that she didn’t understand why I chose something like I did when I tried on many other dresses that looked way better. She said she was also upset that I bought into my BMs and Mother-In-Law gushing over how pretty the dress was when it really wasn’t. WTF???
As if this whole conversation wasn’t horrible enough, she drops a bomb on me. “Oh, by the way, I’m leaving your dad.” HUH? OH BY THE WAY?? Keep in mind that she’s decided to do this NOW after 36 years of marriage? She tells me that the ink will be drying on there divorce papers 6 months before Fiance and I get married and start our lives/family together.
I’m crushed, sad, pissed, incredulous, and overwhelmed that this is happening right now. And, I’m beyond really mad that she’s chosen to be so crappy about her opinion regarding my wedding dress, especially when all I was trying to do was involve her like she wanted!
Anyone else faced a situation like this or any words of advice?
Post # 3
Post # 4
Hey!! Totally understandable to be feeling the way that you are! That’s a lot to deal with when this is supposed to be such a happy time! Unfortunately, it seems like the demise of your parents’ marriage is affecting how she feels toward your wedding…anything related to marriage right now is probably not something that brings her pleasure…try not to dwell on the negativity that you are receiving from her. Instead, focus on the support you are receiving from your BM’s and Mother-In-Law.
However, it seems like your mom might be in need of some support of her own…while its understandable that you would want to talk wedding with your mom, it might be best to stay away from that topic with her for now…
Do you have siblings? I am wondering if you have some other support system in the family to help you deal with the divorce etc.
Regardless, I don’t think she means to be so negative…her emotions are getting the best of her and spilling over into your happiness; I am not saying that this is ok for her to do, but having knowledge of it may help you take her negative comments with a grain of salt. This is a happy time for you and the divorce of your parents has no bearing on the love you and your fiance share! Make sure you take some time to enjoy the whole process with the positive people in your support system – your BM’s, Mother-In-Law, friends, etc.
Post # 5
You know, as a Mom, I had a difficult time agreeing with some dress choices, but they could see whether or not I liked something immediately anyway, so there was really no hiding it. If having many opinions is important to you and make you feel more confident in your choices, it seems your feelings about your dress were validated. If your MOM’s opinion is the most important and she doesn’t really like it, should she have lied? Would you believe her?
It sounds to me that she’s hurt because you picked it first without her being there and showed her later? Is that it?
Post # 6
@ethorn13: Thanks for your thoughts. Unfortunately, I’m the only child, only daughter. One of my BMs went through her parents’ divorce as an adult, and I’ll be looking forward to chatting with her this upcoming weekend for some possible insights. Luckily, my Fiance, Future In-Laws and Maid/Matron of Honor are incredible and I have them in place for support. However, they are all just as shocked about her reaction with the dress and the divorce.
Post # 7
@ethorn13: well said.
I would ask your mom if she could use some support. It is a happy time for you, but not so much for her and she is probably having a hard time adjusting to it all.
Its not really about the dress, but about her losing her marriage. And the fact that your parents are divocing has no bearing on you or your wedding. Its unfortuante timing, but they are not “doing this to you”. Would you rather they live another 2 years in misery just to divorce after wedding? Peoples lives must go on.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I’m thinking that mom is down on your wedding because she is in the process of getting a divorce. It sucks that she can’t be happy for you while dealing with her own divorce but divorce is very stressful and I will be the first to admit that I was not myself during my divorce. Maybe it would be a good idea to set up a lunch date with your mom to discuss her and the divorce (and nothing about the wedding for that day.)
I do know that I was very negative about weddings for about a year after my divorce and I was able to turn down invitations. She can’t because she is the MOB and she is probably worried about having to deal with your dad at the wedding with the divorce so fresh.
Make sure to otherwise surround yourself with people who love you and are positive about your relationship with your FH and as PP said take your mom’s comments and negativity with a grain of salt.
P.S. From one only child of divorced parents to another: be Switzerland! Be neutral and don’t take sides in your parents’ divorce or it will harm your relationship with them. That means spending equal time with both and not allowing one to bash the other in front of you. Also, they can’t bring a date along when you are spending time with them until after the divorce is final; that way the other parent doesn’t think you are taking sides and supporting an adulterous relationship. My FH and I laid down the ground rules with his parents and when they ultimately got back together we were able to resume our regular relationship with both and we were comfortable that neither one could tell the other that we had taken sides or said anything bad about the other parent.
Post # 9
@ItWasntMe: I accidentally found it on a Saturday while I was shopping with my Maid/Matron of Honor, and then I scheduled a follow up appt the next day so Mom, Future Mother-In-Law, and BMs could see it. I had tried on dresses a few weeks before and she was there, but she wasn’t there the moment I found my dress.
I think she was more upset that I listened to the others’ opinions and not what she had to say.
Post # 10
@ThreeMeers: I’ve asked her to seek out some help. I think she needs more support than I can give her. I’ve asked that she go talk to a family counselor, but she doesn’t seem too keen on the idea.
I’ll definitely listen and support BOTH of my parents anyway I can through this process, but I think there may be some deeper emotional things going on with my mom.