Post # 1
Alright moms- here’s the shortest way I can tell this story and ask for your insight:
My Darling Husband and I are currently almost 20w pregnant with our first. He is not close with his mom or dad (they are divorced recently and live in two different states than we do- each about 12 hours away) I am not close with his mom or dad. This will be the first grandbaby on both sides- which is awesome! His mom would like to travel up for the birth (we call her when we go into labor I guess) and she gets there when she can. Here’s where I have an issue and need some advice..
She wants to stay with us..come home from the hospital with us..sleep at our home for about a week after. I told Darling Husband I’m fine with her being here during the day for visits (she has several friends in the area she can stay with- she is originally from here) but I do not feel comfortable having her spend the nights with us and our newborn. He tried to explain this to her and she would not listen. Told us we have no idea what we are in for (this is true..but still). I explained that the main reason is I will still be– err, recovering? And I would be more comfortable having some private time. I also know how she is (and I’m sure most mothers) “This is how you do it” “This is what I did” “No, not like that- do this” As she has already made several of her opinions VERY clear.
Am I nuts? Will I need the help overnight even with Darling Husband here? Or would you say no way to this, too?
Post # 2
O good heavens I’d say no way and stick to it, hard. I’m only 36 weeks with my first but that sounds like my worst nightmare… For all the reasons you said, but also the fact that I keep hearing that the first several days home with the baby is a really special (stressful, but special) time for you and your husband.
Post # 3
I’d probably say no tbh. Is your dh taking time off work or will get home at reasonable time to help out in the evenings? You really want that time to bond, get a routine and get used to having a baby around!! No you don’t know what you’re in for but women have been having babies for years! It’s learn as you go 😉
Post # 4
MissLunchbox: Ask her to make plans to stay elsehwhere, and let her know that if you find out you want the extra help, you’ll say so. It’s easier for her to have plans to stay somewhere and not actually be there than the opposite.
Post # 5
- Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand
I would give a resounding HELL NO! As PPs had mentioned, it would be easier for you to ask her to stay over if needed versus having her there as a given. With our first, I assumed I would need the help right away and had asked DH’s mom to stay overnight. When we realized we didn’t need her, she nearly lost her shit. Lesson learned: reaching out for help when/if you realize you need it rather than ahead of time is best when it comes to babies lol.
Post # 6
If she is this bad at respecting your boundaries now, imagine how much worse it’s going to get when you’re exhausted, physically recovering and trying to establish your “sea legs” as a new parent. I would make sure Darling Husband delivers the “HELL NO!” loud and clear. Visiting for a few hours here and there during the day is one thing, but 24/7? Noooo way.
Post # 7
MissLunchbox: First, you do not need to have in the labor room and you have every right to say no. No one I know had their Mother-In-Law with them in the labor room, and you do not need to allow her either. At least where I live, she cannot demand entry – the hospital staff only let her in if you and your husband are ok with it. If she wants to be there for the birth, she can wait until after the baby is born and you’ve had a few hours to recover. So I suggest Darling Husband calls her when the baby is born, not when you go into labor.
As for when baby’s home: no you will not need help if you have your Darling Husband there. You do not need to let her stay with you. Since she is your DH’s mother, it is up to him – not you – to make it clear that she won’t be staying with you.
Post # 8
Follow up question since this has been so helpful for my sanity: how long after you gave birth until you were ready for visitors in the hospital?
Post # 9
MissLunchbox: I was exhausted so never haha. I was on strong pain meds so I don’t recall the visitors I had. I guess it depends how your birth goes. My now dh is excellent and I know he’d be there to welcome visitors and chat to people, so it wouldn’t bother me. But with my first I just wanted to cry all the time, I felt so over whelmed.
Post # 10
MissLunchbox: I had C-sections, and I had my first visitors the next day. Even then I was very tired and sore and I didn’t really enjoy visitors until the day after that (36+ hours after birth). But the first day was just the parents and my sister so it wasn’t too bad, and I knew they were very keen to come and see us.
Even with my own sister, I didn’t go in as a visitor until the day after the birth. I don’t understand the rush to be there immediately, when the mother s tired and sore, and just wants to be with husband and baby.
Post # 11
If there is no way that you think you can avoid having her in the delivery room, just don’t tell her when you go into labour! Wait until after you have delivered to let them know.
And DO NOT have her stay at your house. No way, no how. Be firm, you are an adult and about to be a parent YOU make the rules.
Post # 12
Ask her to stay at a hotel if you’re more comfortable.
I did have my mother stay with us a week and it was AMAZING. I cried when she left. It wasn’t really the help overnight that was so useful, it was the other stuff. She cooked tons of food for us, cleaned up, took me on errands to Target, went to pick things up for me, help the baby so I could sleep in, etc. On the other end, I don’t think I’d want my Mother-In-Law staying for a week either, but I’m just more comfortable with my own mother.
So in that case, I loved having the help. As far as other visitors that aren’t doing anything besides sitting around holding baby and chatting, I’d probably limit the visit to a few hours tops. As long as visitors don’t stay too long, I was comfortable with having them the first week.
Post # 13
Like kes18: my mother came and stayed with us for almost a week after Dirty Delete was born, and it was amazing. She cooked, she helped with everything, and she also happily took Dirty Delete downstairs at 4AM if she just wouldn’t sleep and needed to be held, so Darling Husband and I could get some rest. I wouldn’t trade that week for anything. HOWEVER, COMMA, that was my own mother. When my milk came in and my boobs were killing me, I sat topless on the couch with ice packs on my chest. When I needed to do my salt butt baths in the bathroom, I sat in there with the door open not giving a damn.
While it is super helpful to have someone around in the week after giving birth, it needs to be someone you’d feel comfortable sitting topless around and soaking your rear end around with the door open. It sounds like your Mother-In-Law does not fit that description. So I would also suggest that you stick to your guns and ask that she stay somewhere else. I can’t imagine going through those first days at home and feeling in any way uncomfortable with people in my house. No no no!
Post # 14
I had my mom stay and that was awesome. But keep in mind I was breastfeeding in front of her (and not covered, because I was just learning and you need to see). I have sitz bath in the bathroom, giant medical pads. No one is ready for ‘company’. So if she’s like a second mother to you and you don’t have boundries go ahead. But doesn’t sound like that is the case. If you know someone that you would be glad to have in that situation- your mom, or a sister or close friend- you should see if they will come up. Because it’s nice to have someone, but it has to be someone you can free-boob it with and feel disgusting around.