Post # 1
I just need to vent. Sorry this is so long, but any advice would be helpful.
I’ve posted before about how my mom isn’t really excited about me getting married. She always says things like "oh you’re too young" (I’m 23) or "just wait until I’ve saved up some money for your wedding" (she can’t save a dime).
About two weeks ago, I nonchalantly mentioned how I had gotten a great deal on some Martha Stewart wedding supplies (Big Lots’ big sale!) and her comment to me was "Oh, geez, can’t you just wait until I croak? Do I have to stress about this, too!?". I made a comment back, saying "You know what, I just won’t tell you anything anymore". She really hurt my feelings by being that dramatic about it. I can deal with the other comments, but to insinuate that I should wait until she’s not around anymore, really broke my heart. She has a myriad of health problems, and recently added melanoma to the list.
So yesterday, she was in my car and saw the favor boxes I had bought, and when she picked them up, commented on them "These are nice, and what a great deal!". What the hell!? I told her "we’re not talking about those, they’re for my wedding, and you don’t want to know, so just drop it".
She got totally pissed and said "Why not? Why can’t we talk about wedding stuff? I went to a Bridal Show with you in January! And now we can’t talk about it!?".
What gives!? Why is it okay for her to say horrible things and then turn around and act interested!?
What should I do to get her on the same page with me? I want her to be a part of this, but I can’t go back and forth forever. I’ve really been wanting to start dress shopping, but I’m afraid she will say something else horrible and refuse to go with me. And worse, what if I finally just go without her, and she holds it against me?!
Post # 3
And to add, she DID go to a bridal show with me, and it didn’t take much convincing, and she seemed really excited to be there with me. But as soon as it was over, she was totally evasive about the wedding again! It’s like she’s bipolar, but only about wedding stuff.
Post # 4
If i’ve learned anything from this experience, it’s that moms are craaazy, and so many "issues" come up for them when their daughters are getting married that have nothing to do with us. It’s so hard to ride the rollercoaster of excited/not exciting/happy/miserable about the money, etc etc. The only things you can try to do, in my opinion, are:
a) remember that it’s not you, it’s her. she’s just "nuts" you have to tell yourself, and there’s nothing you can do about it except appreciate the times when she IS excited
b) try to not involve her too much – and I don’t mean by excluding her, but like, don’t bring stuff up too much, let her bring it up. If it’s positive, go with it, if it’s negative, just say "thanks, mom, I’m trying hard to just do what will make me happy" and try to roll with it.
NOT easy. I just call it "crazytown". There are some fights, some decent times, and I know it will be over after the wedding. Who knows what your mom has been through to make her act like this, but guaranteed you can’t fix it, and you can’t get the response that you want – like I feel a "normal" mom would have, in my case. So, just try to roll with it best you can and lean on other friends and family for that excitement that you crave.
Post # 5
How frustrating for you! Maybe she was trying to apologize? I have a friend that does that – she’ll never say "sorry", but she does do things like act more interested.
Post # 6
It sounds like she’s feeling a lot of anxiety about her own health. Maybe her "joke" about dying was her way of trying to express some of that to you, and she didn’t realize how upset it would make you. Perhaps that’s why she seems "bipolar" about wedding stuff: she really *is* excited about it, but then she feels anxious about it and the future, so she then avoids it for a while. This is all conjecture, though.
From my own experience, I had to remind my parents a lot, especially leading up to the wedding, that I was really stressed about it and wasn’t feeling like myself. In turn, I encouraged them to do the same with me. I found that it was too easy to go from zero-to-sixty, emotions wise, especially when it came to projects/planning that I had been working so hard on or thinking so much about.
You’ve still got a ways to go before your own day and it sounds like you really want your mom involved. Have you told her that when she says things like that, or when she doesn’t seem enthusiastic afterwards, that it hurts your feelings and you’re wondering what’s going on?
Post # 7
I agree with amysue. Your mom is probably really stressed about health issues. That’s a lot to deal with along with a wedding. And maybe she’s worried that due to her health, she won’t be able to help you as much as she’d like. I would sit down and talk to her and try to get to the root of the problem. Let her know that you want her advice and you want to be able to tell her about the weddng without her becoming upset. Maybe you two can come up with a few things she can help with that won’t stress either one of you out too much.
Take it from someone who lost her mom over 5 years ago: I’d much rather have my mom around, fighting about wedding stuff, than planning without her.
Post # 8
Moms (Make Our Marriages Stressful) JUST KIDDING!! there are Moms out there who Make Our Marriages Super.
It’s tough, try to look at the positive things your Mom puts forth. Melanoma is no small issue and maybe sometimes for just a moment she needs the world to stop spinning around her. (as we all do at times)
I wish you the best with your Mom. Be open and honest with her. Keep us posted on how it goes.
All my Best, Suza
Post # 9
I’m sorry that your mom seems not to be very supportive or excited about your upcoming wedding. *HUGS*
I would continue to let her bring stuff up, like ArtichokeHeart said. And, like others have mentioned, she’s probably just worried about her health. It can be an overwhelming thing to have to deal with, and maybe she feels like you’re more excited about your wedding than you are worried about her health.
Post # 10
Thanks for all the encouraging words, ladies. I know her health issues can overwhelm her, and we actually spent 90% of our time together talking about her and her issues. I’m the only one that knows about half her health problems (as she doesn’t want anyone else to worry about her…I guess she wants me to worry, and only me). Believe me, I understand the gravity of all the health issues.
I think maybe med0404 was right about the apologizing. She’s the same way, now that I think about it. I guess from now on, I’ll just let her bring it up and go with it when she seems to be in a good mood.
I’m going to visit her today, so I’ll probably let her know how this is making me feel, so we can just be out in the open with it. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure it will turn into a passive aggressive experience.
Thank you all again!
Post # 12
Oh wow, I didn’t realize she was only sharing her health problems with you. That’s a LOT to handle for two people. Possibly suggest sharing with someone else close, or talking to a therapist? It’s hard enough dealing with the health issues, I can’t imagine the emotional toll that also takes when people more than just the two of you aren’t involved to share the burden.
GOOD LUCK : )
Post # 13
Yeah, that’s a heavy burden to bear, FlipFlop. Good luck today, let us know how it goes!
Post # 14
Hi FlipFlop, Wow, I also didn’t realize you were the only one she’s confided in about her health. That’s alot to put on you, especially if she is expecting you to keep it to yourself. Is your Mom narcissistic? Don’t mean to offend, just sounds a lot like my Mom, always talking about her health issues then when it comes time to talk about other things, she all the sudden has to go do something.
How did it go with your Mom?
Post # 15
Yes, very narcissistic. She can turn any conversation into one about her problems.
When I went over yesterday, she barely spoke to me at all. I had expected her to be all alone on the 4th, but she had a bunch of people over. She had told me she was going to be lonely. So much for that opportunity. I’ll try again soon. For someone who is so worried about her health and won’t talk about anything fun with me, she sure was having fun with her people. And then today, she left for Dover Downs!!! Off gambling and having fun, but oh so sick!!!!!
Drives me crazy, she does!
Post # 16
**BIG HUG** I’m sorry. It’s a strange feeling when you hope someone – especially Mom – will be excited for you and you hope that she will want to do wedding preparation stuff with you, and yet its the last thing she has any interest in doing. It hurts and it’s a very odd sensation. Weddings are milestone events and a good time for mother/daughter bonding. I’m not a Mom, so I can’t speak as one, but I would venture to say that if my daughter were getting married, I want to make the most out of every wedding experience – even more so if I had health issues. If you ever need to vent let me know! I can relate. All my Best, Suza