(Closed) Mom’s mixed messages…long…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

If i’ve learned anything from this experience, it’s that moms are craaazy, and so many "issues" come up for them when their daughters are getting married that have nothing to do with us.  It’s so hard to ride the rollercoaster of excited/not exciting/happy/miserable about the money, etc etc.  The only things you can try to do, in my opinion, are:

 a) remember that it’s not you, it’s her.  she’s just "nuts" you have to tell yourself, and there’s nothing you can do about it except appreciate the times when she IS excited

b) try to not involve her too much – and I don’t mean by excluding her, but like, don’t bring stuff up too much, let her bring it up.  If it’s positive, go with it, if it’s negative, just say "thanks, mom, I’m trying hard to just do what will make me happy" and try to roll with it.

 NOT easy.  I just call it "crazytown".  There are some fights, some decent times, and I know it will be over after the wedding.  Who knows what your mom has been through to make her act like this, but guaranteed you can’t fix it, and you can’t get the response that you want – like I feel a "normal" mom would have, in my case.  So, just try to roll with it best you can and lean on other friends and family for that excitement that you crave. 

Post # 5
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

How frustrating for you! Maybe she was trying to apologize? I have a friend that does that – she’ll never say "sorry", but she does do things like act more interested.

Post # 6
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

It sounds like she’s feeling a lot of anxiety about her own health. Maybe her "joke" about dying was her way of trying to express some of that to you, and she didn’t realize how upset it would make you. Perhaps that’s why she seems "bipolar" about wedding stuff: she really *is* excited about it, but then she feels anxious about it and the future, so she then avoids it for a while. This is all conjecture, though.

From my own experience, I had to remind my parents a lot, especially leading up to the wedding, that I was really stressed about it and wasn’t feeling like myself. In turn, I encouraged them to do the same with me. I found that it was too easy to go from zero-to-sixty, emotions wise, especially when it came to projects/planning that I had been working so hard on or thinking so much about.

You’ve still got a ways to go before your own day and it sounds like you really want your mom involved. Have you told her that when she says things like that, or when she doesn’t seem enthusiastic afterwards, that it hurts your feelings and you’re wondering what’s going on?

Post # 7
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree with amysue. Your mom is probably really stressed about health issues. That’s a lot to deal with along with a wedding. And maybe she’s worried that due to her health, she won’t be able to help you as much as she’d like. I would sit down and talk to her and try to get to the root of the problem. Let her know that you want her advice and you want to be able to tell her about the weddng without her becoming upset. Maybe you two can come up with a few things she can help with that won’t stress either one of you out too much.

Take it from someone who lost her mom over 5 years ago: I’d much rather have my mom around, fighting about wedding stuff, than planning without her.

Post # 8
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Moms (Make Our Marriages Stressful) JUST KIDDING!!  there are Moms out there who Make Our Marriages Super.

It’s tough, try to look at the positive things your Mom puts forth. Melanoma is no small issue and maybe sometimes for just a moment she needs the world to stop spinning around her. (as we all do at times)

I wish you the best with your Mom. Be open and honest with her. Keep us posted on how it goes.

All my Best, Suza

Post # 9
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m sorry that your mom seems not to be very supportive or excited about your upcoming wedding. *HUGS* 

I would continue to let her bring stuff up, like ArtichokeHeart said. And, like others have mentioned, she’s probably just worried about her health. It can be an overwhelming thing to have to deal with, and maybe she feels like you’re more excited about your wedding than you are worried about her health. 

Post # 11
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Oh wow, I didn’t realize she was only sharing her health problems with you.  That’s a LOT to handle for two people.  Possibly suggest sharing with someone else close, or talking to a therapist?  It’s hard enough dealing with the health issues, I can’t imagine the emotional toll that also takes when people more than just the two of you aren’t involved to share the burden.

GOOD LUCK : ) 

Post # 13
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah, that’s a heavy burden to bear, FlipFlop. Good luck today, let us know how it goes!

Post # 14
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Hi FlipFlop, Wow, I also didn’t realize you were the only one she’s confided in about her health. That’s alot to put on you, especially if she is expecting you to keep it to yourself. Is your Mom narcissistic? Don’t mean to offend, just sounds a lot like my Mom, always talking about her health issues then when it comes time to talk about other things, she all the sudden has to go do something.

 How did it go with your Mom?

~Suza

Post # 16
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

**BIG HUG** I’m sorry.  It’s a strange feeling when you hope someone – especially Mom – will be excited for you and you hope that she will want to do wedding preparation stuff with you, and yet its the last thing she has any interest in doing. It hurts and it’s a very odd sensation. Weddings are milestone events and a good time for mother/daughter bonding. I’m not a Mom, so I can’t speak as one, but I would venture to say that if my daughter were getting married, I want to make the most out of every wedding experience – even more so if I had health issues. If you ever need to vent let me know! I can relate. All my Best, Suza

 

  

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