Post # 1
FI and I have been engaged since last Feb, getting married October 2018. I am super close with my mom, and she is delighted to have a wedding to focus on. Generally she’s pretty good- she has good ideas and wasn’t pushy when I bought my dress, etc. HOWEVER, there are a few sticking points that are leading to MAJOR problems, and we still have months to go! Mom is very opinionated when it comes to who needs to be invited, as well as the rehearsal dinner (Which isn’t her responsibility, that’s my future in-laws’ job). She feels that my entire extended family should be invited (and has already told them the wedding date and extended invitations on our behalf, despite us saying we wanted a wedding with under 100 people). Because a number of these guests will be coming from out of town, she feels they all need to be included in the rehearsal dinner, and shouts over me when I try to explain that I would prefer the rehearsal to JUST be the wedding party (since we have things to, you know, REHEARSE). I told her she can do a separate dinner party for her family from out of town, but that seems unacceptable to her (though she has no problems stating that my finace’s out of town family don’t need to be included in the rehearsal). I can’t get through to her at all on this, and every conversation about it leads to a fight. She is being stubborn and obstinate and WILL NOT listen to anything anyone says on the matter. She’s made up her mind. I think I’m partially to blame because I’ve caved on a few other wedding-related things (she didn’t want a winter wedding, so we chose fall. She doesn’t want the seating chart organized by table because she thinks it’s “too complicated” and would rather it was alphabetical. She wants a DJ.). My parents are paying for a large portion of our wedding, so I think I’ve let her get away with a lot because of that. How do you other brides deal with a wedding MOMster? What should I do to get her to understand that it’s not about her, or her out of town guests?
Post # 2
don’t let her pay for it?
Post # 3
If she’s paying for the rehearsal dinner, then she can dictate who’s there. If your fiance’s family is paying, they dictate, and it might not include all of her extended family. The rehearsal dinner comes after the rehearsal. Not everyone invited to the rehearsal dinner is at the actual rehearsal.
Post # 4
As the Bees say, no pay, no say. If she’s paying for a large part of the wedding you are going to have to deal with a large number of her opinions.
The rehearsal dinner is a whole different story and she needs to back off on that.
Post # 5
If she wants it, she can pay for it…that’s what I had to tell my mother. If she wants to invite your extended family, she can pay for their plates, their seats (perhaps contribute to a bigger venue to ensure space for their seats), their lodging, and their rehearsal dinner food. Headcount has a HUGE impact on your budget, so if she wants to add to the headcount then she should add to your budget.
I’d have no qualms with inviting more guests or having more food or floral arrangements, if someone else was willing to foot the bill for all of it.
Post # 6
It is not uncommon for out of town guests to be invited to the rehearsal DINNER (not the actual rehearsal), so I get her point. But regardless, it depends on whether she is paying for that or your in-laws are. If they are paying then you need to tell your mom she doesn’t really have a say in inviting extended fam. If she is paying then you just need to let them come. If you accept monetary help from family regarding wedding things then be prepared to let them make some decisions or have some say. You want it exactly your way then you should pay for everything.
Post # 7
No is a complete sentence. Mom, I appreciate your input and your help it is my wedding, quite frankly we cannot afford to have 50 people at our rehearsal dinner. It is wedding party only and tell her that is the norm. It actually is, so she’s actually a little out of touch here also just tell her you are doing pizza and beer. (totally acceptable.) My mother is SO out of touch with how much weddings cost, she cannot believe that 20k for my wedding is lower than the national average. We’ve paid for most of it ourselves but she is giving us a gift to help but I told her I couldn’t swing the 8 EXTRA people she wanted to invite. She said ok and she understood. If she says this, and that, just say NO. I am not going to tell you things, if you poke holes in everything I want. NO. NO. NO. This is how I want it. Pass the salt.