Momzilla

posted 2 years ago in Family
  • poll: Is it OK to hang up on someone?

    YES to avoid a toxic conversation

    NO it's completely disrespectful

  • Post # 2
    Member
    5572 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    drbee12 :  

    You said this is new behavior for her? That she lashes out when she doesn’t know how to handle her emotions?

    It sounds like you are saddened that she is acting this way. I would have a sit down, heart to heart with her. Ask her why she’s so upset and why she’s so angry, what is bothering her so much that she’s lashing out at you?

    I only say this because it sounds like her behavior is out of the norm and only occurs when she’s under stress.

    It does NOT, I repeat, NOT make it ok to treat you like that, at all. I’m just wondering if a heart to heart “mom, I’m hearing you, I’m seeing your anger, it’s affected me quite a few times. What is going on? Are you ok?” might be beneficial.

    If that’s not helpful, do what you can to diffuse her screaming matches, such as rushing off the phone and only talking with her when she’s being reasonable.

    This is all assuming it’s new behavior, or how she handles conflict on a rare basis. If this is common behavior, my advice would be completely different:

    Post # 3
    Member
    1040 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

     have you considered eloping?

    Post # 4
    Member
    5572 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I’m hoping you can appeal to your moms soft side and get her to talk about what it is that’s upsetting her and the behavior will stop for the wedding process at least.

    Thw overall issue is how she handles conflict, that’s another bear.

    Post # 5
    Member
    969 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    View original reply
    drbee12 :  OMG. I only read halfway and was getting sick of her nonsence. At this point (if i was in your situation) I would cancel everything, give her money back and go elope on a tropical beach somewhere just the 2 of you. She is using her money to get the wedding she wants, this is all about her, it has nothing to do with 2 families coming together and about you and your man celebrating your love and relationship..to her this is a production show and everything must be just so. 

    I see this continuimg into your married life.. and it has great potential to damage and possibly destroy your marriage.. I suggest you ask for help on –> https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation

    These ladies will teach you their wisdom and save your sanity they help when people have issues with in laws and family of origin. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    832 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2020

    To answer your direct question, yes I do think it’s rude to hang up on someone but I also think it’s necessary at times. I think the best thing you can do when someone is being unreasonable on the phone is to give fair warning like, “If you don’t stop shouting, I will be ending the conversation until you’re ready to talk rationally.” Then if they continue to scream…well…*click*!

    As far as your mom goes, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with that. It’s the main reason my fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves. It’s a financial burden, yes, but not an emotional one. Could that possible be an option for you?

    First I would do what other bees are recommending and try having a sit-down discussion about it. Approach it calmly with details of exactly what is stressing you out.

    Best of luck!

    Post # 7
    Member
    107 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    My momzilla sounds exactly the same!

    I think the biggest issue you have here is that they are also contributing financially to the wedding. If your mom is contributing financillay, and you have accepted without creating those boundries frist, of course she is going to feel entitled to invite people or change things. Everyone feels they should have a say when they are paying for something.

    However, I think the best advice for you would be to sit down with your mom and create those boundries. it will be a bit difficult, as you seem to be in the thick of it already. Pick a few things your mom can have control over. Give her a ‘project’ so to speak, that she can go about and plan and organize and keep busy with. If you haev her dealign with vendors, I would reccomend requested they check with you before putting anything in stone.

    If you give your mom a project, she gets to plan the bridal shower or she gets to handle the centerpeices, or something along those lines, you let her feel involved, like she wants, and you’ll get some breathing room.

    Some other advice other Bee’s have given me. Try to limit wedding walk with your mom. for exmaple, the flower girl situation. “Yes mom, the three neices will be flowers girls. We are having other flower girls as well.” And just keep repeating that when she brings it up. Don’t rationalize or feel you need to convince her. You should be able to have things your way as much as possible.

    Sit down with her, talk to her, create those boundries and give her a project. That way you’ll have a bit of breathing room.

     

    Good Luck! And if you ever need to talk, you can always reach out Bee!

    Post # 8
    Member
    319 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    drbee12 :  Do NOT allow her to invite 300 people until she has given you the money to pay for these people.   Don’t let her invite them at all, but if she does, get the cash.

    You can only change how you react to her, not her behavior – seek pro help if needed. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    1166 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    Elope.

    Post # 10
    Hostess
    2520 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I would literally just cancel the whole thing and either elope or plan the small intimiate wedding you two imagined.

    I wouldn’t deal with that. Nope.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1203 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    If it’s not too late, just have the intimate wedding you dreamed of and pay for it yourselves.

    Post # 12
    Member
    8942 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    Sansa85 :  If I’m reading correctly, it sounds like the hanging up is new, but the controlling and lashing out is standard behavior: “She is a very prideful and controlling person (and angry due to life resentments…)

    View original reply
    drbee12 :  I voted that yes it’s fine to hang up on a toxic conversation. The alternative is to stay on the line and listen to someone verbally assault you. That’s not healthy. What I can’t tell from your post is whether the “screaming session” was just her screaming, or if you were both screaming. If she was the only one screaming and she hung up because you were disagreeing with her, that’s not hanging up on a toxic conversation. If you were both screaming then it was reasonable for either one of you to hang up. Who stays on the phone listening to someone scream at them? Not me!

    Either way, she sounds very unpleasant and like she’s making this wedding about her. The problem is that she’s paying for it. Or SAYS she’ll be paying. I would not put up with this behavior and I would not risk having her pull out leaving me footing the bill for her decisions. If this is how she is, you can’t change that and you can’t make her stop acting like this — no matter how right you are. The way to avoid having these conversations is to pay for your own wedding. That way, when she starts her shit, YOU can disengage with HER (hang up, walk away, whatever) without worrying how it’s going to affect your big day. When you accept money from an angry controlling person, you need to accept being a puppet and dancing however they tug the strings. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    840 posts
    Busy bee

    I would also decline the money and have a smaller wedding, or elope. If your wedding date is correct, you still have a year to go. It will only get worse.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1475 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    As others have suggested, it is very clear with her actions, words, and behavior that this wedding isn’t for you and your Fi, it is for her. 

    She is being a complete troll. 

    I’m afraid the only solution is to cut her out and pay for it yourself, and you immediately take control of EVERYTHING, guest list, flower girls, invites, everything and she butts out completely. 

    OR, run away together and cancel the whole thing. 

    She will have to answer for her bad behavior and don’t feed into any of her emotional bullsh*t about being embarrassed, that is 110% on her. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    9456 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    my  mom was a momzilla, but i was expecting that behavior.  she paid for our wedding.  one side out of her mouth would say it is your and DH’s wedding, and the other side would say she wants to do this and that even though i didn’t.

    i did have a sit down with her. i’ve had many before and many after.  it does help. 

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