Post # 1
Hi All –
I would love to hear from any of you who have a momzilla. My mom has been extremely controlling, selfish, and outright mean spirited throughout my wedding planning process these last couple of months. She has made this such a dreadful experience, which is so sad. I was hoping this could be fun and exciting as I’m going through such a huge life transition – yet, she’s managed to make it so sad and draining.
She has tried to force people on me as bridesmaids that I do not like (i.e. a girl a grew up with that I do not like… and others…) Today she was literally screaming at me on the phone about how many flower girls we want to have and how her 3 nieces I’ve never met should be flower girls but my fiance should not have his niece included. Today she went to a new low with the flower girl thing and commented about some of my fiance’s nieces being adopted, she said “what is he going to have? these adopted kids as flower girls?” and i thought that was a really awful thing to say so I said “mom, please dont be nasty”. She got upset and hung up – this is new behavior. I think hanging up on someone is extremely disrespectful. I have never tolerated that with anyone in the past nor have I ever hung up on someone.
The issue is my parents are paying for the wedding and today for the first time she started throwing around this phrase: “we are shelling out all this money for this wedding, so we need to do what we want… ” she even, while huffing and puffing, at one point yelled: “you would think this was HIS wedding the way you’re concerned about including his family members!” But… it IS his wedding. It’s OUR wedding – his and mine.
During today’s “argument”/ screaming session, I 100% agreed with her – I told her she could include all three of her nieces – no problem. I never argued about that. I immediately said “Go ahead and include all three of them, that would be great” and her response was anger that I said the word “include” because it meant that I was still considering including my fiance’s niece – which I am. She has no understanding of this being a coming together of our families and of us so she’s thinking only of herself. She is planning to invite over 300 people (and this was after 4 months of begging her to cut down the list), many of which I don’t even know and saying she will pay for it. Because of her huge guest list, there are few venue options that can accommodate (my fiance also has about 150 people he’s inviting, 90% family members – he has a huge family). This wedding has quickly become the exact opposite of the intimate wedding I would have wanted and due to our culture, I’m trying to be understanding that she feels like this is her wedding and she’s proud of me as her oldest child.
I don’t want to deal with her immature behavior and I know I need to set serious boundaries with her. She is a very prideful and controlling person (and angry due to life resentments…) and she lashes out on me and my close family members whenever she doesn’t know how to handle her anger or doesn’t feel in control of situations. I don’t like arguing and I don’t have the endurance for it. I don’t want to continue having conversations with her like this and I would rather take out loans if necessary to pay for the wedding with my fiance’ than deal with her cruel and selfish behavior. I don’t want to talk to her without her apologizing for hanging up on me. Is this normal behavior from people – to hang up on each other? Am I overreacting about that being incredibly insulting/disrespectful? Are we supposed to deal with things like that because its from our mother?
I’m not even angry. I’m sad and disappointed and I dont know what to do.
Post # 2
You said this is new behavior for her? That she lashes out when she doesn’t know how to handle her emotions?
It sounds like you are saddened that she is acting this way. I would have a sit down, heart to heart with her. Ask her why she’s so upset and why she’s so angry, what is bothering her so much that she’s lashing out at you?
I only say this because it sounds like her behavior is out of the norm and only occurs when she’s under stress.
It does NOT, I repeat, NOT make it ok to treat you like that, at all. I’m just wondering if a heart to heart “mom, I’m hearing you, I’m seeing your anger, it’s affected me quite a few times. What is going on? Are you ok?” might be beneficial.
If that’s not helpful, do what you can to diffuse her screaming matches, such as rushing off the phone and only talking with her when she’s being reasonable.
This is all assuming it’s new behavior, or how she handles conflict on a rare basis. If this is common behavior, my advice would be completely different:
Post # 3
have you considered eloping?
Post # 4
I’m hoping you can appeal to your moms soft side and get her to talk about what it is that’s upsetting her and the behavior will stop for the wedding process at least.
Thw overall issue is how she handles conflict, that’s another bear.
Post # 5
OMG. I only read halfway and was getting sick of her nonsence. At this point (if i was in your situation) I would cancel everything, give her money back and go elope on a tropical beach somewhere just the 2 of you. She is using her money to get the wedding she wants, this is all about her, it has nothing to do with 2 families coming together and about you and your man celebrating your love and relationship..to her this is a production show and everything must be just so.
I see this continuimg into your married life.. and it has great potential to damage and possibly destroy your marriage.. I suggest you ask for help on –> https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation
These ladies will teach you their wisdom and save your sanity they help when people have issues with in laws and family of origin.
Post # 6
To answer your direct question, yes I do think it’s rude to hang up on someone but I also think it’s necessary at times. I think the best thing you can do when someone is being unreasonable on the phone is to give fair warning like, “If you don’t stop shouting, I will be ending the conversation until you’re ready to talk rationally.” Then if they continue to scream…well…*click*!
As far as your mom goes, I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with that. It’s the main reason my fiance and I are paying for the wedding ourselves. It’s a financial burden, yes, but not an emotional one. Could that possible be an option for you?
First I would do what other bees are recommending and try having a sit-down discussion about it. Approach it calmly with details of exactly what is stressing you out.
Best of luck!
Post # 7
My momzilla sounds exactly the same!
I think the biggest issue you have here is that they are also contributing financially to the wedding. If your mom is contributing financillay, and you have accepted without creating those boundries frist, of course she is going to feel entitled to invite people or change things. Everyone feels they should have a say when they are paying for something.
However, I think the best advice for you would be to sit down with your mom and create those boundries. it will be a bit difficult, as you seem to be in the thick of it already. Pick a few things your mom can have control over. Give her a ‘project’ so to speak, that she can go about and plan and organize and keep busy with. If you haev her dealign with vendors, I would reccomend requested they check with you before putting anything in stone.
If you give your mom a project, she gets to plan the bridal shower or she gets to handle the centerpeices, or something along those lines, you let her feel involved, like she wants, and you’ll get some breathing room.
Some other advice other Bee’s have given me. Try to limit wedding walk with your mom. for exmaple, the flower girl situation. “Yes mom, the three neices will be flowers girls. We are having other flower girls as well.” And just keep repeating that when she brings it up. Don’t rationalize or feel you need to convince her. You should be able to have things your way as much as possible.
Sit down with her, talk to her, create those boundries and give her a project. That way you’ll have a bit of breathing room.
Good Luck! And if you ever need to talk, you can always reach out Bee!
Post # 8
allow her to invite 300 people until she has given you the money to pay for these people. Don’t let her invite them at all, but if she does, get the cash.
You can only change how you react to her, not her behavior – seek pro help if needed.
Post # 10
I would literally just cancel the whole thing and either elope or plan the small intimiate wedding you two imagined.
I wouldn’t deal with that. Nope.
Post # 11
If it’s not too late, just have the intimate wedding you dreamed of and pay for it yourselves.
Post # 12
If I’m reading correctly, it sounds like the hanging up is new, but the controlling and lashing out is standard behavior: “She is a very prideful and controlling person (and angry due to life resentments…)
I voted that yes it’s fine to hang up on a toxic conversation. The alternative is to stay on the line and listen to someone verbally assault you. That’s not healthy. What I can’t tell from your post is whether the “screaming session” was just her screaming, or if you were both screaming. If she was the only one screaming and she hung up because you were disagreeing with her, that’s not hanging up on a toxic conversation. If you were both screaming then it was reasonable for either one of you to hang up. Who stays on the phone listening to someone scream at them? Not me!
Either way, she sounds very unpleasant and like she’s making this wedding about her. The problem is that she’s paying for it. Or SAYS she’ll be paying. I would not put up with this behavior and I would not risk having her pull out leaving me footing the bill for her decisions. If this is how she is, you can’t change that and you can’t make her stop acting like this — no matter how right you are. The way to avoid having these conversations is to pay for your own wedding. That way, when she starts her shit, YOU can disengage with HER (hang up, walk away, whatever) without worrying how it’s going to affect your big day. When you accept money from an angry controlling person, you need to accept being a puppet and dancing however they tug the strings.
Post # 13
I would also decline the money and have a smaller wedding, or elope. If your wedding date is correct, you still have a year to go. It will only get worse.
Post # 14
As others have suggested, it is very clear with her actions, words, and behavior that this wedding isn’t for you and your Fi, it is for her.
She is being a complete troll.
I’m afraid the only solution is to cut her out and pay for it yourself, and you immediately take control of EVERYTHING, guest list, flower girls, invites, everything and she butts out completely.
OR, run away together and cancel the whole thing.
She will have to answer for her bad behavior and don’t feed into any of her emotional bullsh*t about being embarrassed, that is 110% on her.
Post # 15
my mom was a momzilla, but i was expecting that behavior. she paid for our wedding. one side out of her mouth would say it is your and DH’s wedding, and the other side would say she wants to do this and that even though i didn’t.
i did have a sit down with her. i’ve had many before and many after. it does help.