(Closed) Monetary gifts — how do you let them know?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Why don’t you just register for upgrades in your home. Like new towels, sheets, etc. Since you pick them out, you can be sure that it will match your decor. There really isn’t any polite way to ask for money; the best you can do is ask your family members and wedding party to spread your preference by word of mouth

Post # 4
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I understand preferring cash gifts over physical gifts, but don’t all your family/friends already know your living situation? I would just not register, and if people ask what you’d like as a gift, you can tell them that you are planning XYZ (home renovations, paying off loans, saving for a vacation) and would love contributions towards that, but of course their presence is the only present required 🙂

Post # 5
1699 posts
Bumble bee

@Buboys_Gurl:  Restrict your invitations to only close friends and relatives: that way the only people coming will be those who know your taste and living situation; and if that is not enough then further restrict your invitations to people who either have good taste and judgement, or to those who are dear enough that you would cherish a memento of their regard even if they do not have good taste and judgement.

Failing that then, when people ask about your registry and what you would like, let them know that you already have everything you need and were truly inviting them only for their company and not for any material gain.

By the time you are in your thirties, with an established career, and already married, you should be taking pride in your ability to support yourself through your own efforts and to manage your affairs so that you can live within your means. A gift of money is expected from people who are well-off and established, to people who are their social juniors — “junior” either because they are just starting out and don’t yet have established careers, or because the careers and expectations they do have put them closer to the poverty line. Strange though it may sound to the folk who believe “money is always welcome”, there are still newlyweds who have too much self-respect to overlook the implicit slight that comes with a gift of money. By asking for money, you put yourself in the category of those whose self-respect falls at a somewhat lower level. Far better to simply ask for nothing, and let those who wish interpret the request as a hint for cold hard cash.

Post # 6
8431 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly I would be offended as a guest to recieve a request for a gift (especially monetary) to a vow renewal of less than a year.

As others have said don’t register and if anyone asks say you are saving for xyz.

Post # 7
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

There is no tactful way to request anything. The only acceptable method I can think of would be to not have a registry, then when folks ask your parents/bridal party where you’re registered, they can say you’re not. Most people would get the hint. Anyway, there are a ton of posts on the boards asking this same question, I’d do a search to find out what people have done in the past. 

Post # 9
46404 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

To put it very succinctly, just don’t register for anything, anywhere. If anyone asks you directly, just say that you have all the household items you need- FULL STOP.

You do not need to explain that you invited them only for their company and not for any material gain. They will know that a cheque is always appreciated.

There is no polite way to ask for cash.

Post # 10
221 posts
Helper bee

While there isn’t a polite way to ask for money, if you are having a website with the details, you can include a page with a registry. There are websites that offer honeymoon and house registries. I believe there may even be some that are strictly monetary where you could write what you are saving for. And of course, leave a nice message saying that you aren’t asking for gifts and you’re not making a gift registry because you don’t need a new toaster ;-), but that you’re saving for honeymoon/ new house/ renovations/ etc., and if they wish to give you a gift that you have created a registry for such things.

Post # 11
822 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

We registered with a travel agent – I know a lot of people say it is rude to ask for money but we had absolutely no complaints, only people saying it was such a good idea.

We have been together 9 years, brought a house together 5 years ago so everyone knew our situation and that we have everything we need.

We ended up with our entire honeymoon payed for (flights, hotel, insurance etc) plus we got about $400 back from the travel agent that we didn’t use.

We got a list at the end of people that contributed so we can write our thank you’s.


Post # 12
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@aspasia475:  ” there are still newlyweds who have too much self-respect to overlook the implicit slight that comes with a gift of money. By asking for money, you put yourself in the category of those whose self-respect falls at a somewhat lower level.”

Yeah, people who wait to get married until they are successful, independent adults and don’t have the need for throw-away material goods as presents must be really lacking in self-respect.

OP: Just do a honeymoon registry. I’m sure your peer group will 100% understand your situation, since they likely are in the same boat, and give you money. The obligatory blind rule followers will be able to figure out what to do…since apparently even though everyone gives gifts at weddings, people are only allowed to communicate about it through a game of telephone through the bride’s family. Makes total sane, logical sense to me.

Post # 13
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My fiance and I used Deposit a Gift (http://www.depositagift.com/).  You could use this site for a home renovations fund, a honeymoon fund, a newlyweds first year of marriage activites fund, etc.  They have lots of sample registries to choose from.  It’s a way to ask for money without coming out and asking for money.

I actually just posted about using Deposit a Gift because I wasn’t sure what guests’ reactions would be… What do you think?  http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/deposit-a-gift-registry-anyone-used-do-you-think-its-rude

Post # 14
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It doesn’t seem appropriate for anyone in their mid-thirties with established careers to be asking friends and family for money as a gift. 

My suggestion: Just don’t register and privately hope for money, or register for a few things that you could use around the house.

Post # 15
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

We’re not planning to register.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking for money, provided that people know you’re not expecting it (you’ve invited them for the company, not for the gifts!) and provided it’s to go towards some definite goal.

There will be a page on our wedding website explaining that as we already live together, we’ve furnished our flat and don’t need anything else; as much as we’d love gorgeous new things, there’s nowhere for us to store anything.  We’re both fresh out of university and trying desperately to save up for a house deposit so that we can move out of rented, so we’ll just make it clear that any monetary donations would gratefully be put towards that deposit.

We’re also doing a lot of DIY for our wedding, so some of our gifts are in the form of friends and family donating time and talents to help pull everything together.  Also, we’re asking for copies of everyone’s photos, so that our album will be nice and full up of photos of everybody there (we’re not hiring a photographer, as so many of our friends and family are ameteur photographers who have all the equipment).

I think all this etiquette surrounding registries and requests for financial gifts are daft – it’s a long-established tradition to bring a gift for the newlyweds (if you want to), so why be offended by a request for something they really want or need?!

Post # 16
1030 posts
Bumble bee

my friends are having a destination wedding and have asked for a monetary gift.

they did it in a cute poem, and explained that they didn’t expect any gifts as people are travelling all that way, but if they did want to give a gift, money would be preferred.

i wasn’t offended in the slightest. i know her well enough to know her situation and it was just nice to have that info in front of me than have to ask her about it. that, i feel, would have been more awkward.

but – i guess it’s about the type of guests you have! but i see no reason why anyone should think it’s rude. that’s just me, though.

good poems on here!


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