(Closed) Money & Who Makes the Decisions

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

depending on how much they’re (all sets of parents) are contributing, i think that this is about them too… to be able to share with their friends and relatives the joining of their children.

i say that limiting them to a small wedding is kind of rude when they are providing the means for you to have a wedding. if you really want to keep it small, is there any way you and your Fiance could do it without as much $$ contribution form your fil’s?

my parents are paying for 25%, my fil’s are paying for 25% and Fiance and i are paying for 50%… we’ve had our say on almost everything… except the guest list… and we feel since that’s where the bulk of the parental’s contributions are going, they are entitled to have the guests they want at our wedding too… even though i may not know everyone, they are footing the bill for my guests… as long as it’s not overboard, i think you should appease their list of guests moreso than  you are currently…

Post # 4
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You are not being a bridezilla. But unfortunately, when parents or others are contributing financial some of there wishes do have to be met as well.

Post # 5
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

In this particular case, I would say that you have to let your parents invite whoever they want if they’re paying. Usually when parents pay, my opinion is that you can let them believe they have final say on invitations, food and cake choices (when really, you make the final decision), BUT when it comes to guest list, it’s hard to say, “I know you’re paying, but you can’t invite these people.”

Calmly explain to the parents that you really want a small wedding, so you’d like it if they could keep their list down to XX amount of people.

We had both sets of parents contribute to our wedding costs as well (although, we still paid for most of it ourselves), and we set a limit on how many they could invite, and we also worked with them a lot to make adjustments. It’s a give and take process.

Post # 6
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

This is a classic dispute, you are totally not alone.

Who else does they want to invite? Is it family? Close family? Friends? Co-workers?

The question to ask deep down is, do they want to contribute to a wedding or to a big party? You may also want to frame the discussion that way.

Post # 7
Member
690 posts
Busy bee

I’m compromising BIG TIME on guest list as well.  Since my Fiance entire family lives in a different country, we are planning on doing a ceremony/reception where we live, with the guests almost exclusively from my side (except for some of my Fiance very close family and friends) and then having a second reception in my Fiance hometown (with all his family except for my parents).  My parents are paying for what is here, and my FI’s father is paying for his hometown. 

Since our parents will be funding the vast majority of the expenses they are also controlling the guest list.  The wedding here is oging to be bigger than we wanted (including osme of my parents friends I really don’t know) but its kind hard to say “no you can’t invite them” when they are paying for it!  Unfortunately it means a larger portion of the budget will go towards having more guests vs. having nicer stuff.

I hope you’re able to work it out in a way that will be satisfactory for everyone!  Would his parents be willing to contribute the increased per guest cost for the extra guests?

Post # 8
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am in a similar situation with the planning of my wedding.  We are getting financial help from all parents (his, my dad and step-mom, and my mom and step-dad).  We’re all contributing about the same amount and my Future Mother-In-Law is the only one getting demanding.  My parents (any of the four) haven’t requested a single thing because they don’t look at their contribution as a right to make demands.  My Future Mother-In-Law insisted on adding people to our guest list and is trying to be involved (and frankly, nosy) about every single decision that is made.  I disagree with the posts that say giving money means you get to have a say in what happens.  Parents and others should contribute because they want you to have the best wedding possible, not because they want to influence the planning process.

Post # 9
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Fiance & I are paying for the entire thing ourselves, and I STILL had to deal with my mom trying to sneak more ppl on the guest list (and dictate my dress, and the bouquets…) and FI’s mom “frowning” on our menu choices.  i feel like parents have a very clear idea of what they envision your wedding being like, so it’s VERY hard for them to remain quiet and let you make it your own.  Having them foot the bill only gives them an excuse to be more vocal about it.

I would suggest trying to sit down an discuss your differences with them, and see if you can’t get them to understand your POV.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

@LoveWedding: It makes me really sad that you compromised on things OTHER than the guest list. No wonder you want to put your foot down on this. Hugs to you.

Post # 13
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I thought I was going to have this problem with Future Mother-In-Law, but I think I’ve had more skirmishes over the guest list with my Fiance than anyone else (but that’s beside the point).  My mother is paying for the wedding, but my Future Mother-In-Law is paying for the rehearsal/welcome dinner (which will include all invited guests).

I think what helped, is that pretty much from the start, we emphasized that we are having a wedding on the small size (120 attending max… which isn’t small… but the point was that it wasn’t going to be 300 people).  We (mostly I) kept saying that we only wanted close family and friends invited who have been part of our lives on a regular basis and who we or our family are close with now (not 10 years ago).  So, we empathized that unless my Fiance had a current relationship with the guest (sees or talks with them at least once a year or grew up seeing them a fair amount), than we did not want to invite them unless they were very close with the parent/grandparent.  So, no second cousins or great aunts who we haven’t seen since we were ten.  No new friends of our parents unless they now consider them “best” friends, but definately friends of our parents who I or my Fiance would consider close family friends because Fiance (or I) knew and were a part of our lives growing up. 

 

 

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