(Closed) Money and ettiquete

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

If she pays, she gets a say- but not a whole lot of artistic direction… ie she gets a say on the cost of the dress or if she really hates it, but ultimately its still your choice, I don’t think paying for the dress gives her a right to invite anyone she wants,  I would list her as a host out of respect (though, to be honest- i don’t think my mom would have cared if she wasn’t listed, depends on the person).. if you stick with her buying your dress, i think you’ll be fine with being able to make all of your own decisions

Post # 4
1696 posts
Bumble bee

Because she is your mother, you have to listen to her advice. Because you are a grown women, though, you don’t have to necessarily follow her advice. Listen, consider it, and then make your own decisions.

This is not about money. It is about showing respect and love for a person who has spent much of her life meeting your needs when you could not meet them yourself. Etiquette itself does not acknowledge money as a valid consideration, other than to point out that nice people don’t talk about money in public and don’t put matters of social good manners up for “sale” based on money. Being a hostess is NOT about who pays, it is about who takes personal responsibility for the comfort and well being of all the guests and about the style of the event. It should not be a committee, and from the tone of your post it sounds like that person is you; so, no, your mother should not be named as part host.

Practicality, however, does come into play. You are not entitled to money from your mother, for anything. If you piss her off enough, she won’t provide the money. If you piss her off after you get the money, she’ll remember it the next time you want something from her and you won’t get what you want then. She hasn’t even offered you anything yet (as in, the money she did offer was to defray the cost of having a wedding at home, and you already declined the terms of that offer — so that money is NOT still on the table.) Your best bet in getting money out of her, is to treat her with dignity and respect, and to accede to any of her wishes that you can tolerate. How would you NOT list her in the programme? She is your mother! Surely you planned to give your parents’ names? Consider listing the parents on the invitation as “daughter of …” and “son of…”, after your own names, if that is something that would please your parents. If you want to be particularly gracious, go to both of the mothers and ask “is there anyone in particular you would like me to invite”, and then add to your invitation list those of their requests whom you do not mind hosting.

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