Money and other problems with husband

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
4098 posts
Honey bee

Well, I’m sorry that happened, but now you have your answer – you are not as important to him as his “stuff”.  No man who gives a shit about the feelings of his spouse picks video games over saving his marriage.

It sounds like you are making the right decision.  It sucks, but you will come out the other side of this, free of dead weight holding you back from your goals.

Post # 107
Member
2534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

bethrenae1 :  I hope you find the strength to LEAVE soon, before you owe astronomical $ and/or your credit is ruined and your self esteem is more in tatters.  Get every bill *out of your name now* as his spending may escalate, since he isn’t going to  pretend to play along anymore…. 

Post # 108
Member
1196 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

 He sounds like a petulant child. 

Post # 109
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Ha, he said find a new place…

That is when you say challenge accepted and run fast and far. He’s a man child with major financial issues and no evidence whatsoever of wanting change. 

At some point you need to accept you can’t change him and you certainly can stop letting him hold you back by deciding no more. I’m sure it’s exhausting being the adult in the relationship.

edit: Glad to see you’re not going to stay in the situation bee and are seeking out counseling still for yourself. It’s hard but, in the long run, this isn’t what you deserve. You deserve so much more from a partner. Best wishes.

Post # 110
Member
10184 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

TwilightRarity :  

This.  Totally this.  He is not going to change.  All of the lectures on earth will not move him.  Dave Ramsey works for people who are motivated to change their financial lives.  OP’s husband has no will to change.  This is just who he is.

I could not respect a guy like this.  And I could not be married to someone I didn’t respect.

Post # 111
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee

Find some place to move to ASAP. If you need to put that move on a credit card or loan do it. Long term it’s a small amount to pay to get the hell out and will cost you less than staying. If utilities are in your name, set them to close out or transfer the day you leave. If utilities are shared then have your name removed. Let him know and he can handle setting up his own accounts.

This might mean that you end up with a room mate again. Take whats yours from the place and leave. Anything you bought together take a photo put it into a list and deal with it in the divorce. Take video after you’re move out. Make sure you get yourself removed from the lease. The landlord should also pay out half of the security deposit to you and your soon to be ex will be responsible for paying it up to the landlord. It’s a joint finance he can pay it now or he can pay it when the divorce is sorted either way half that money is yours.

He can tell you to leave if he doesn’t like it. But if you’re scrimping and saving with 2 incomes he can have fun trying to afford his life without it. Needing to eat will make it awfully hard to have the fun he wants when it’s all on his own dime.

Immediately get your money into your own account including half of the savings. Pay half of any bills directly to the bill while you’re still there. Don’t give him a chance to financially cripple you further. Get his name off of credit cards if he’s an authorized user. If he’s on your health insurance look into the steps to have him removed, same goes if you’re on his. Get his name off of every single financial thing that is yours and only yours.

Post # 112
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee

I’m glad you’ve decided to start taking the necessary steps to leave and protect yourself/your finances. Otherwise you are signing yourself up to a lifetime of financial difficulties and endless arguing about money. He’s honestly acting like a petulant child, and it seems like he’s tricked you into thinking that parenting him is your job. It’s really sad to me that you aren’t sure whether your choice to not have kids is because you actually don’t want them, or because you don’t think you can handle them within this relationship (since you are already married to a child). Imagine how many other ways he might be holding you back?

Stop depositing your cheques into the joint account NOW. Set up a separate account that he doesn’t have access to. Regardless of what happens and how long it takes, you should protect yourself as much as you can as soon as you can.

Post # 113
Member
4277 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

bethrenae1 :  This is a big deal.  A HUGE deal.  You barely have enough to make ends meet each month and you live in a small apartment and he’s buying these toys for himself.  These are not needs…these are wants…and if he cannot respect your needs as a married couple, this could very likely lead into divorce in the future.

My husband and I use a budgeting software called “You Need a Budget” and though we’ve mostly been on the same page, it makes things pretty black and white and helps us discuss our priorities.  We each get $100 of fun money each month and if it’s gone, it’s gone.  If he wanted to save up to buy something big he would need to not spend money month to month to save up his fun money.

Clearly he does not realize how much this is affecting your marriage, and he needs to.  If I were in your shoes the first step I would take is to split finances.  Your paychecks go to your bank account, his paychecks go to his bank account.  You need to protect yourself because I feel like this could end badly.  That way he does not have access to buy anything with your money.  Once that is done, sit down and make a budget together.  I cannot recommend the You Need a Budget software enough.  It costs money…$80 per year I believe it is now, but we’ve seen a 30% increase in our total net worth since starting last summer so it TOTALLY pays off.  Sit down and talk about the money he has spent on this video game crap (yes it’s crap…seriously what use is this junk doing sitting in your apartment???) and how he never replaced the $500 in your EMERGENCY FUND.  Which he needs to realize should NEVER be touched EXCEPT for emergencies.  Job loss, medical emergencies, pet emergencies, car emergencies…NOT his 12 year old boy tendencies to buy video game crap.

Then sit down and show him that you cannot pay your bills with his tendencies.  If you can’t buy groceries or pay your debts off, he CANNOT afford a video game sign.  Period.  End of story.

I wanted to say too…you are not in the wrong here.  He is 110% being a man child here if he doesn’t prioritize paying rent, saving for emergencies, and putting groceries on the table over buying a stupid sign.  He’s trying to make you feel like the bad guy, but you’re not.  You are trying to be the adult and that is admirable.

I hope things go well.  This actually reminds me a lot of my ex boyfriend who spent hundreds of dollars on video games when we were together and I remember how frustrating it felt.  I know this guy is your husband so it’s on a different level, but I get how you are feeling.

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