Money Comes With Strings (Poll Included)

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
  • poll: If someone else contributed to your wedding, did they make you jump through hoops?
    Yes. They made all of the decisions (wedding and NWR), and I regretted it. : (6 votes)
    7 %
    No. We made decisions together, and it was fine. : (46 votes)
    55 %
    No, they made decisions, but I was fine with it. : (6 votes)
    7 %
    Yes, I gave up, canceled the wedding, and ran off. : (5 votes)
    6 %
    Other - Post a comment : (20 votes)
    24 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    3771 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

    Sorry to hear this. In regard to your question my parents initially contributed $2000 toward the wedding. They are cheerful givers and gifts do not come with strings attached. No input, opinions or trying to run any part of the show. My dad recently asked how much was left to pay, said he’d love to do this for both of us and simply paid what remained with our vendors. You need to have a discussion with your mother and flat out tell her you’re unable to contribute anymore to the wedding for unnecessary expenses. She can take that information and figure out her next move but I wouldn’t put another cent toward any demands for a party you never wanted in the first place.

    Post # 3
    Member
    8176 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    my mom 100% paid for our wedding, no strings attached.  well she wanted a photobooth and uplighting and i didn’t but she was paying, so i said fine.  DH and I had 100% control of our wedding.

    on the otherhand, my grandmother’s money always came with strings attached.  she passed away 7 years ago.  she sent me a birthday card with a check in it and signed in moneybags.  i sent it back.

     

    i’m unsure of the problem, your mom paid for centerpieces and doesn’t like them and wants you to pay for new ones?  just say no, the original ones are fine.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3771 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

    knotyet :  Ok, I’m a bit lost. The extra things she’s adding that aren’t needed, aside from your alterations, are an easy fix. If she wants them then she needs to pay for them or they aren’t happening. But how is it that she can threaten to take back money for things already scheduled and booked? Has this stuff not been paid for at all or has it only been partially paid and she’s threatening not to pay the remainder?

    Post # 7
    Member
    1627 posts
    Bumble bee

    Ugh I’m sorry youre in this situation. At this point, with the wedding 3 months away, I’d probably play nice. Who’s name is on the contracts? I hope its not yours. That way, if she decides not to pay at least the venue/photog/etc will go after her directly. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    15 posts
    Newbee

    Ugh what a lousy situation. I think because you have three months left to go, I’d just suck it up (as best as you can). There’s no point in making yourself sick worrying over this. It’s a shitty way for your Mom to hold you hostage so maybe after it is all over you and her can have a sit down and really talk through some issues??? Until then, I’d say do lots of meditation and yoga to find your inner peace and know that ultimately, the things like centerpieces and decor won’t matter in the big, big picture. Try to remember your reason for getting married (you love your fiance, duh). Easier said than done, I’m sure. I hope it works out for you!

    Post # 9
    Member
    6698 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2050

    knotyet :  Tell her you can’t afford the extras. Would she actually want you to go into debt for centerpieces or trinkets that are going to sit in a drawer for 8 years before being loaded off to Goodwill? You say she’ll “expect” you to repay what she’s already put in but so what? Someone can expect you to sing Justin Bieber songs naked in a bird bath — are you going to do that? When someone expects something ridiculous, you just ignore the ridiculous expectation. If she’s already paid for stuff, then that stuff is paid for and she can’t make you pay it back. Stuff that’s not already paid for, you can decide if you want it and can afford it or not. I would try to keep peace as much as possible for the next 2 months (like agreeing not to sleep over at fiance’s) but without paying for stuff I can’t afford. If she says “you have to pay for this” ask her point blank “Or else what? I can’t afford it so I’m not paying for it. What is the consequence?”

    Post # 10
    Member
    1096 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    Our parents have both given us money with no strings attached at all. They don’t even know the details. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    987 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I’d move out and make my own decisions. She is trying to exert too much control over her grown daughter who is paying rent. Who cares what she thinks about you staying over with your fiancé??? You’re an adult and don’t need to ask her permission. Regarding the wedding, I’d elope. I wouldn’t want anyone to make decisions regarding my wedding. I’m in my 40’s, so my thought process is probably a bit different. It’s time to sit down with her, discuss how you feel about her manipulative behavior, and stand up for your needs. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    42 posts
    Newbee

    You sound like me 100% all the way down to the October 2017 wedding. My parents are giving us a considerable amount of money, probably enough to cover the entire cost of the whole wedding. I personally think it’s INSANE to spend $30k for ONE DAY. We wanted to elope on an island, just the two of us and use the money toward a down payment on a home. We currently are living in an extremely small starter home. I am an only child and my parents are very controlling in all areas of my life. It sounds the same for you. As children, we learn to obey our parents, even when we don’t want to AND I think that’s how me and you both ended up in this situation. 

    My mom is having her second wedding & I’m not shy about telling her that. I went ahead and chose the colors blush and gold (she’s upset because they don’t make sense for an October wedding) I told her, too bad. I hired a designer who’s in charge and he’s going to plan the WHOLE thing so she has no say in it. Since she has absolutely no control over the wedding (except for the food…she drove the wedding coordinator crazy) she is taking full control over the shower. I am letting her, but when she takes it TOO FAR, as in buying cheap things as prizes or making “puff balls” out of plastic bags as decorations, I tell her that is doesn’t go with my theme. 

    What I am telling you to do is involve your mom, but set a CLEAR boundary, she will respect it. Don’t be afraid to speak up and get angry and tell her nicely with authority that she is taking too much control away from you. Make sure she understands that you have only ONE DAY to make it perfect and she already had hers, but she can help suggest things so she feels involved. It wasn’t until I stood up for myself and clearly told my mom that she’s having a 2nd wedding and she had hers already and even went as far as to tell her that I’ll let her wear my wedding gown and I’ll wear a black dress…that she got the hint. My father is truly the one paying for the wedding & he knows I’m too easy-going so he always tells me to speak my mind and so I’ve been doing it and you should too! 

    On a side note (I might be wrong) but it seems like because you didn’t want this wedding in the first place, you don’t seem connected to it, like you don’t care what kind of centerpieces are in the middle, you’re fine with whatever the venue offers. Maybe your mom feels like it’s YOUR special day and you should make sure to have a centerpiece or design the venue to fit YOUR personal style and not use a generic venue centerpiece. Maybe that’s why she’s trying to step in.

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    583 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2017 - Lake Louise Canada

    My parents have gifted what equates to about 10% of the budget. They haven’t asked where that money is going and aren’t aware of any planning details, I would have just given it back if they’d said “please use this to pay for our favorite florist John’s flowers”. 

    You don’t have time to change the arrangement with your Mom but for lingering items you have the right to say “if you’d like additional decor we will have to subtract from another area, since I do not have any additional funds”. Unless she has access to your bank account there’s nothing she can do. If it’s NOT affecting you financially it’s probably best to let it go at this point, to keep everything running smoothly. 

    Move out as early as possible for your own sanity.

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