- 3 months ago
- Wedding: October 2017
Like many who post, I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for here, but I don’t want to burden my FI with this, my best friends have moved out of town or are working out of town (all 4 of them) and I rarely see them, which puts a lot of distance and awkwardness in confiding in them, and I feel stuck.
I didn’t want a wedding. FI and I wanted to elope. We think weddings are too expensive, and would never have spent thousands on a day. My family was hurt, and against elopement. My grandmother lost her house in a flood and no longer lives close and sees us rarely, my grandfather on the other side of the family has a disease that could spread and there’s no guarantee how long he’ll have and he wanted to see me get married, we have family out of state that would have been disappointed, and my father really wanted to walk me down the aisle. I’m super close to my mom, and I’m her only daughter. They had always said they’d pay for a wedding, so I felt immense guilt, wanted to please everyone and gave in. First mistake, and I fully admit that it’s completely my fault for not sticking to my guns. Please don’t rub it in; I’m mad at myself all the time for it already.
I’m late twenties now, and FI was my first bf, so my mom and I have spent a lot of time together. I think she thought I’d always be single. I lived in a dorm for college, but live at home now, paying rent and all of my expenses, because I was going to buy a house the beginning of this year and skip losing money for a mortgage on a high rent in an apartment. It worked for us, but this has contributed to my mom having trouble letting go. My mom has struggled with the fact that I’ve found someone. She has not been warm towards him, with the vague reasoning of “he’s too shy.” I personally feel she doesn’t like him. She’s made comments that I’ll be similar to my brother when he got married, and pull away and just join my spouse’s family, while neglecting my own. I see my family frequently, so this is patently ridiculous, but I’ve tried to be supportive and reassuring.
I stay at FI’s house on the weekends, because we were LDR, and it was so hard to get time together. He’s now moving back home this Friday. My mom says that I’ve set a bad example for my little brother (5 years my junior, who’s dating a girl who just graduated high school), and put her in a bad situation enforcing that little bro can’t stay over at his gf’s house. So, she’s mandated that I can move in with FI before the wedding, or I can stop sleeping over there on the weekend. I agreed to honor her wishes, and will stop sleeping over at FI’s.
Putting aside the ludicrousness of comparing someone who’s engaged and in their late twenties and does not rely on their parent’s support in any way, with my little bro who is dating an 18 year old and is fully supported by my parents – What I’m upset about, is the vague threats towards the money. We’re already over budget, but she keeps trying to add decorations and favors and things that I’ll now have to pay for. But it’s basically become her wedding. If I object to something, it’s that she’s paying for it, or she says that I can’t be bothered to plan any of it and I just expect her to pay for everything and then show up and enjoy the party. I didn’t want a party to begin with! So, no, I don’t want to create and pay for brand new centerpieces, because she thinks the ones provided by the venue are too plain! And I feel I have no options, because if I had elected to move in with FI early, I feel she would have said, “Fine, you pay the rest of the due amount for the venue and everything else.”
It’s too late to cancel. Wedding is almost here, invitations have gone out, RSVPS have already started coming in, family out of state have bought plane tickets. I have a dress, and most everything is done. Even if the wedding were canceled, my mom would expect us to pay her for everything they’ve paid out so far, and I really don’t want to start my marriage at a deficit because of this, and it would be relationship ending between my mom and I and cause a rift in the family as a whole.
Has anyone else experienced this? I’ve heard money comes with strings, but my mom and I have always had such a wonderful relationship, that I never expected it to become like this between us. I feel like I’m walking a tight rope, and she’s holding scissors to it.