Money Comes With Strings (Poll Included)

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
  • poll: If someone else contributed to your wedding, did they make you jump through hoops?
    Yes. They made all of the decisions (wedding and NWR), and I regretted it. : (6 votes)
    7 %
    No. We made decisions together, and it was fine. : (46 votes)
    55 %
    No, they made decisions, but I was fine with it. : (6 votes)
    7 %
    Yes, I gave up, canceled the wedding, and ran off. : (5 votes)
    6 %
    Other - Post a comment : (20 votes)
    24 %
  • Post # 16
    776 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I don’t think you are fault. I just think that this is an opportunity for you to stand up to your mom and ask that your needs be met. You can set boundaries with her. What will you tolerate from her and what is going too far? 

    Post # 17
    1633 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    To answer your question my dad paid $40k towards our wedding and didn’t ask for anything, he let us make 100% of the choices. My mum and in laws paid around 7-10k each and they were the same, no strings attached at all. We were extremely lucky. 

    As for your mum you only have a few months to go so I would probably suck it up. Not sure about not sleeping over at your FI’s place though, I find that kind of weird and controlling. You are about to marry the guy but she doesn’t want you to spend time with him, I wouldn’t be ok with that. 

    Post # 18
    439 posts
    Helper bee

    Who signed the contracts and whose name are they in? If your mom signed, then she has no way of backing out, so you don’t need to be worried about saying you don’t want those centerpieces or sleeping at your fiance’s place (she’ll be on the hook if she decides not to pay the contract). On the other hand, if you signed the contracts, you’ll have to be diplomatic and not piss her off.

    I would let her know that everything you have is sufficient for you and you don’t think it’s worth it to have nicer decorations. You’ll also have to eventually set boundaries. Whether you do this before or after your wedding is up to you, but it is ridiculous that your mother is trying to treat you like a child and tell you that you can’t sleep at your fiance’s place. You’re going to have to tell her that even though you love her and welcome her advice, you are an adult and will be living your life as you see fit.

    Post # 19
    2319 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    We essentially went thirds with my MIL and my dad/stepmum. They were quite happy to gift us the money and take a step back from all of the planning, but we felt that they should have a say in how their money was spent so kept asking them their thoughts on things or if they had any requests. They okayed the venue we had chosen, although kept insisting that their opinion didn’t matter, and we also ran things like the menu by them before settling on anything. My parents didn’t make any guestlist requests, but MIL asked to add one person (which we would have done regardless of whether she was contributing or not).

    I’m so sorry you’ve ended up in this position, particularly when you didn’t even want the big white wedding to begin with. I know you’ve said that you’ve tried sitting down with her, but I really do think you need to try again. Tell her that all these extras she’s trying to add simply aren’t in the budget and you’re sorry if she’s disappointed but there’s nothing that can be done. I completely agree with PPs that she sounds controlling, but with the wedding this close I’d probably just suck it up – you’ll be moving out after the wedding so you won’t have to deal with it anymore.

    Post # 20
    6250 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    They dictated some stuff, but overall it was all things I could live with.

    my parents’ wedding gift was enough to cover the wedding minus the honeymoon and the rings.  They told me about a 8 months before the wedding how much their gift would be, and their gift was based on our wedding budget (we’d already budgeted and booked everything) so you could definitely say they paid for the wedding.  

    My aunt and mother decided my second cousins would be our ring barers with only 2 weeks till the wedding.  I was pretty annoyed at how it went down, but realized the boys would be adorable so I went with it.

    At the rehearsal my mom kept trying to change shit–complaining my aunt and uncle weren’t in the wedding party (?!) etc…  Luckily I pulled her aside, told her she was stressing me, that plan was set, please just do what the DOC said.  Astonishingly, she did just that.  

    My in laws bought the wine for our wedding, and they didn’t give us any say.   I didn’t care much–they know way more about wine than we do.  They also hosted the rehearsal dinner and gave us no say (which was a bit of an issue as they chose a venue that didn’t fit everyone.. it was a bit stressful but it worked out.  The day after the wedding they started saying we should have invited the people we were forced to exclude–forgetting why we excluded them.)  They did try to have a say in the rest of the wedding, but it was pretty easy to shut them down.

    Post # 21
    213 posts
    Helper bee

    knotyet :  

    That’s called MANIPULATION.  The guilt mongering, passive-aggresiveness, the cold sholder.  You think you have a great relationship with your mother but based on your statements, your mother sounds controlling and manipulative. That is dysfunctional, not great.  You just can’t tell because it’s all you’ve known for your entire life.  You, a grown adult allowed your mother to dictate your living arrangements? Doesn’t that strike you as not normal?  It should.  You’re a grown adult with your own mind and life and choices but your mother “can’t let go”?  Hon that is a woman wrangling to keep control over a daughter she’s had control over since birth and using your little brother as a manipulation tactic is straight up BS.  I really want you to think about other times your mother commanded something and you, an adult with your own mind, desires and choices, simply obeyed, even when you didn’t agree.  Things are great as long as you’re doing as she wishes right?  How does she react when you don’t?   Hopefully you’ll see a pattern here. 

     So what to do about the wedding?  Allow it to be HER wedding, or stand up to her and have the wedding that YOU want.  Those are your choices.  If you can’t afford this wedding, then you shouldn’t be having it, so make a plan about what YOUR vision is for this wedding is and make that clear.  Make it smaller to cut costs and decorate it the way you like….Be fully prepared to pay for this yourself as she WILL “take the money away”.  If this stuff is fully paid for fine, if not, get your deposits back.  At some point you’re going to have to cut those apron strings yourself and live your life as YOU see fit not your mother.

    Honey, this is where you put the big girl panties on and act like the adult you are.  Sure she’ll do what she normally does but you have to ignore it and move on with your life.  She’ll either come around or she won’t but either way that’s up to her.  What’s up to you is deciding HOW you want to live your life…according to HER dictates or you own.  Honestly, I question whether you’ll be able to do any of this as you’ve been indoctrinated for far too long and I can totally see this being too hard for you to do but at some point you’re going to have to do this.

    And where is your FI in all of this??? Have you had a heart to heart with him about how he feels with regards to this situation? Is he going to be okay with your mother attempting to control your life even after you’re married?

    I sound harsh, I know but it burns me to hear parents doing this to their children….its like a form of abuse to me.  I’ll pray for you lil bee.

    Post # 22
    1806 posts
    Buzzing bee

    My wedding was at inlaws house, it was DIY mostly. My own mom gave FMIL money for the expenses. My mom didn’t want any part in the planning or execution of any of it, so providing the money was her way of participating without haaving to do anything. 

    She was had pretty low self-confidence all her life. I asked if she wanted to make her potato salad for the reception, all I got was no.

    Post # 23
    1676 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    sablescorpion22 :  YASSS! All of this. 

    Stop letting her control your life. 

    Post # 24
    119 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: February 2017

    This was my second wedding.


    When I was 24 (already had a master’s degree) and living with my parents I got pregnant and married my BF, I had a “small” civil wedding (it as 250 guests). I didn’t feel ready to have a religios marriage (I am catholict) so we had a brunch on a Sunday that turned into a 12 hours party. My parents payed for it. It was far from my dream wedding but it was a fun wedding.

    3 years later I got divorced and moved back with my parents (was not ready to live by myself with a child). I am super close to both of them, and I spend a lot of time with my mom and my family from my mother`s side.</p>
    <p>Aftter a few months I began dating someone I really fell in love with, and from day one I know this was the real deal and I dreamed of a “real” (for me that meanns a church) wedding. After almost 3 years of dating we got engaged and married 6 months after. </p>
    <p>I wanted my dream wedding, and my parents give it to me as a gift. I had a 200 people rooftop party after our catholic ceremony in a church.</p>
    <p>I wanted to have only the people that means something to us and to our family in my wedding, I wanted to celebrate with those who loved us the most. And cutting the list to 20o guest was a little difficult. My dad wanted to invite more of his friends and my mom helped me make it clear that this was mine and my now DH’s party, not his.</p>
    <p>My wedding was a gift from my parents to me, maybe they had other ideas, and even though I asked for their opinions, they always said I could do anything that I wanted. </p>
    <p>My wedding was My dreamed wedding. They paid for everything and it was over 40K but didn’t had strings attached. It was their gift to me, and gift’s shouldn`t come with strings. I made sure they where Ok with everything I did, but their answer always was “as long as it made you happy”

    I paid 11k as a down payment for the venue in advanced, before either one of my parents could see it, when we meet with the wedding planner and mom saw the place for the first time she was like “You could hang a bat from the roof if that’s what you want”

    Post # 25
    3319 posts
    Sugar bee

    It sounds as if this is her party–what would happen if you called her bluff? When you tell her you can’t or won’t pay for all these extra things and she responds by saying she’ll just cancel it–offer to help make the phone calls and try to get deposits back. 

    Post # 26
    287 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    If she wants extra stuff, she has to pay for it. Other than that, I’d say just hang in there and wait it out. It’s not that much longer, you can take a step back and let her have her way. Take control over one thing you care about (maybe your vows?) and let her have her way on the rest, since the big wedding isn’t something you wanted anyway. If I were you, I’d elope like Jim and Pam from The Office, have a super sweet ceremony just the two of you, then come back for the main event with your families. You’ll have an awesome secret glow, and nothing else will matter! 

    Post # 27
    40 posts

    knotyet :  I know what you’re going through, when I stand up against my mom sometimes she acts hurt as well, but see through that. It’s her way of pulling on your heart-strings to get what she wants. I hate to say it, but it’s manipulation. I, like you CANNOT wait until the wedding is over and done with. Are you able to move out after the wedding so that you both can live peaceful, free lives on your own terms? I promise once you do that, it will be so much better. 

    Hang in there, you can do it! 

    Post # 28
    12611 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    My parents paid for most of our wedding and didn’t make any demands.  My mother and I discussed different opinions, but she told me it was my wedding and she wanted me to be happy.  Luckily, most of our opinions lined up and we had a really easy time with wedding planning.

    Post # 29
    122 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    This sounds so stressful! My best advice would be to perhaps pick your battles? If it is something she wants and is willing to pay for and isnt something you care about…let it happen.. If it is something you feel strongly about stand up for yourself. Im very lucky, my parents gave me a good amount towards our wedding and my mom has been SO good! She is very fancy and loves sparkle…whereas im more laidback and like anything antique or rustic. I have included her in every little detail and she has been so excited and SO good about biting her tongue and remembering that this is mine and my fiances secial day…

    Post # 30
    160 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: February 2018

    knotyet :  This situation sucks, because planning a wedding 9especially when you didnt want a big wedding to begin with) is already stressful.

    My parents are graciously paying for the majority of my wedding, they say it’s their way of giving us a gift – since we can save most of the money we have saved up to buy a house after the wedding instead.

    They are 100% supportive of my decisions though. I ask  for their opinion sometimes, and they give it. But the planning is mostly left up to me.

    It sounds like your mom is being super controlling for some reason, maybe because she realizes that you will soon be married and moving out. Are you her first born child? She may just be feeling separation anxiety. Did you let her knw from the beginning that you didnt want a big blown out affair for a wedding? If you have a good relationship, like you say you do, maybe it’s worth sitting down with her and letting her know everything you are feeling – that you have said in this post.

    As you said, it’s too late to change anything and you will just have to keep on moving forward, but maybe talking with her will help ease some of the tension and anxiety.

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