Post # 1
So this may be more rant than anything I don’t know.
My fiance’s father makes quite a bit of money. Significantly more than my parents, I’m pretty sure more than them combined actually. The problem is that he is super traditional and refuses to help pay for any of our wedding as he believes it is the bride’s parents responsibility. Because everyone knows that my parents don’t make as much they just say I need to have a simpler wedding.
I get it. I can’t have an extravagent wedding. But at the same time, I don’t want to give up everything that I’ve been dreaming of for years. I am the only daughter but my parents did contribute to both of my older brothers weddings. They also significantly contributed to my education so I know that I already owe them a lot and am blessed to have them. We have already signed with a venue, that my mother and I both fell in love with and my fiance liked it as well, he’s just not as picky. We are lucky that a lot of things are included, including centerpieces, cake, as well as 5 rooms after the reception but the total will be around $20,000 which will still be hard for my parents. My mom said they will make it work but I still feel bad. To make up for it, I’m trying to pay for everything else myself. My dress, invitations, photography, all the odds and ends. Another problem then arises, I’m paying off a ton of student loans now for the other part of my education my parents couldnt cover and I was only able to find part-time work. I have two part-time jobs now but it really doesn’t give me enough income for rent, bills, and saving for the wedding.
I’m so distressed now about it all. I’ve looked at a bunch of DIY ideas and am planning on saving where possible (I plan on having baby’s breath bouquets for my bridesmaids, I think they look beautiful but they are also more cost effective).
Oh and I didn’t mention that my fiance’s older sister will be getting married two weeks before us. So that is what I hear when I ask about his parents helping us out. However, his dad is bartering many of the things for her wedding as he is part of some bartering club and has saved up a lot of points. I really don’t think that they will be paying as much out of pocket, and I know full well that they could afford it.
Am I being selfish for thinking they should help us out? *sigh* rant over.
Post # 3
I think a wedding is the sole responsibility of the couple getting married. If anyone wants to chip in, then that’s just like a nice bonus – but by all means should not be expected.
“I really don’t think that they will be paying as much out of pocket, and I know full well that they could afford it.”
Is it too late to revamp things? I mean if they are not in the position to pay whatever, something needs to and should have been discussed.
I was at a women’s financial seminar and a lady talked about how her daugther just sent them the bills for the wedding stuff. They never discussed anything in detail, just that mom and dad were going to pay! In the end, the parents ended up paying something like $30k and they were really struggling (withdrawing from retirement – which is a HUGE no-no in my book!). The daughter had no idea and if she had known it was that much, she would have taken that in cash form! (if they were even offering a lump sum I don’t know)
Post # 4
@PinkAndPearls2013: Just because someone has money doesn’t mean that they should give it to you. If that were the case shouldn’t Ted Turner be funding all of our weddings? Yes it sucks to have to give up your dream, but it’s just one day. Maybe I’m biased because my Fiance and I are paying for our own wedding, however, it seems like your parents are really helping you out, so be happy about that. Plus, if his parents don’t chip in, it’s one less set of opinions you have to consider.
Post # 5
Is your fiance saving, too?
I agree with PPs, it’s really up to the bride and groom to pay for their wedding – help from parents is a bonus. You feel bad that it will be hard on your parents, yet you still seem to be OK with letting them pay for it, I guess that part I see as a little selfish.
Post # 6
thanks for the feedback. In my family, everyone has always chipped in (parents, in-laws to be, and bride and groom) that’s just how we were raised to believe a wedding should be. It all worked out that way for my siblings and cousins, so I was thrown back when I first found out that my future in-laws would not be assisting. I am the first in my family that this has happened to so everyone else was surprised too. And my fiance has not said anything yet about contributing any of his own, except that he did briefly mention paying for his friends (there are about 10 or so that he is inviting) since he considers them extra guests. He basically said a conversation with his parents regarding asking for help is out of the question and I have already discussed everything with my parents.
Post # 7
I think this needs to come from you and your Fiance, not your parents. I’m not trying to be rude or snarky, but you say you’ve been wanting these extravegent things for a long time, did you think you would marry someone with a wealthy family and would pay for them? I want extravegent things, too, but I’ve known for a long, long time my visions don’t align with what I want to pay & certainly not with my parent’s wallets. I’d be delighted to have themc hip in for my wedding, but I’m not going to expect it or depend on it. If I can’t afford it, extravagent things are going to be the first to be cut.
Post # 8
Your FFIL’s income or expenditure for his own daughter’s wedding has nothing to do with what you do or don’t get for your own wedding. If he offers to pay for anything, great, otherwise forget that he’s a person who could potentially be involved as a financial contributor. Don’t bring it up again with your Fiance.
And please, be more grateful that your parents will be paying for $20k worth of your wedding expenses. As PP’s have mentioned, it’s the couple’s responsibility to pay for the wedding so the fact that your parents are contributing that much is nothing to be upset over.
Post # 9
I don’t think you should expect anyone else to pay for your wedding. You & Fiance should only organsie what you can afford & if you do receive finanical asistance then it becomes a bonus.
Post # 10
Uh…your Fiance isn’t helping save for the wedding? It’s half his day too…
Post # 11
I can see where you are getting your frustrations from. Unfortunately we live in an unfair world. I think the issue at hand is:
“But at the same time, I don’t want to give up everything that I’ve been dreaming of for years.”
You should compromise with your parents instead of putting them in a financially precarious situation. Also it would be best to stop comparing to FSIL; there will always be someone in this world with nicer better things than us. It’s extremely selfish of you to even think that the Future IL’s should contribute to your wedding.
Post # 12
Wow I didn’t think everyone was going to think I was a total B**** for this. Anyway, I have made compromises with my parents, hence why I am paying for everything outside of the reception venue. I am not getting everything I had dreamed about. I’m not delusional. But I only plan on getting married once and would like to make it a special celebratory day. Excuse me if that makes me a spoiled brat.
And for everyone that keeps saying it is the couple’s sole responsibility, please read my previous comment. I was raised in a family that believes in everyone helping out. I’m not forcing my parents to pay for anything, it is what they offered, and yes I am extremely grateful for it already.
Post # 13
I see where you’re coming from. Don’t take it the wrong way though when people tell you it should only be you and you fi paying for your wedding since it is after all YOUR wedding…that is just the norm these days.
Not many traditionlists “old school’ families left in today’s society so parents rarely foot the bill for weddings anymore. I wish my parents could help me out but they can’t so I have to live with that. We could have had a smaller, simpler wedding or even gone to the courthouse but I decided I wanted a wedding to celebate with family and friends. So I had to foot the bill. And even though fi’s mom and dad could help out with the wedding, I won’t push them to. His mom has helped by buying and making a few things here and there so I am thankful for that.
Since you come from a traditional family I get why you would expect your fi’s family to also help out. But they don’t want to so don’t press the issue. They might surprise you and give you a nice gift (maybe even money), so for now just plan for what you and your parents can afford, which sounds like a pretty nice wedding and have fun.
Post # 14
Post # 15
@PinkAndPearls2013: It’s unfair to assume that you are total B*** based on this post. I don’t think anyone does. But you have asked for honest opinions, and that is what you are getting.
I was also raised in a family where we give eachother everything, & i will continue to do so. I would never accept from (or compromise?) with my family if they were in financial difficulty simply because when they can, they will give. What I have learnt that it is not fair to place those ‘customs/ ‘expectatons’ on other families.
At the end of the day, you & Fiance are the 2 x ppl who have getting married. The responsibility fo the cost is on (both!!) of you. If assistance is given, accept gracefully (which you have), & if not, you will have to learn how to deal without it affecting your future relationship the the in-laws.
Post # 16
Am I being selfish for thinking they should help us out?
No, not for thinking it. But, because you ask, honestly, yes, for putting a lot on your parents, even if in your family that’s how it’s done. Because if they can’t really afford the wedding, then your expensive tastes are not very kind. Either you and your Fiance should pay for what you can afford, or you should downscale your wedding to what your parents can legitimately afford and not *allow* them to spend so much. I would suggest you have a heart to heart with your Fiance about anticipated costs and how you both will cover them, and get him on your page. It seems like he thinks it ought to be paid by your family as well. As a side note, does this mean his parents believe they ought to pay for the officiant, your bouquet, rehearsal dinner, etc., traditional groom family responsibilities? (I’d exclude honeymoon, as I think that’s actually traditionally considered the groom’s responsibility.)
Just think happily that this means you don’t need to accept any of their opinions. And remember, even if someone looks like they can afford something, you never really know if that’s the case.
P.S. It’s great your parents paid anything for your college education! I know some parents who didn’t pay a dime. I’m still pay off my loans, but proud to do so.