- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2008
I’m having some issues which mostly stem from finances with my Boyfriend or Best Friend, and it’s getting really awkward and tense. So, I’ve been friends with Boyfriend or Best Friend for about 7 years at this point and we’ve always been incredibly close! But the past two years things have started going downhill for us and now we’ve gotten into a huge fight (we never fight) and I really want to sort it out but Im just not sure how to fix things.
DH and I have really good jobs and have been able to save a lot in the past 5 years or so, but Boyfriend or Best Friend and her H have quite a bit of debt and while they are by no means poor, they aren’t able to save much at the end of the month, I believe. Two years ago, DH and I started living between two countries for career reasons and I see her much less now with all the travel.
DH has been hugely supportive of my friendship with her and does everything to help her and me stay close, because he knows it makes me happy. So we’ve invited her to come visit us when we’re in London when she’s not in school or busy, and that we’d even pay her ticket if she needed some help. The first time she accepted, we went ahead and bought her ticket, but the week before she called me and canceled, saying she just didn’t have the money to spend on shopping or going out like she’d want to do while visiting. The ticket was nonrefundable, but it wasn’t that expensive to begin with so I just dropped it because I didn’t want her to feel bad about anything. This has happened twice more since then, her canceling just before a visit for financial reasons.
Last year, her H was looking at how much more he’d make in his profession if he was able to get a job in London, and that they’d finally be able to really start lowering their debt and saving like they wanted to. She asked for our help, saying they wanted to move as soon as their let was up. So my DH and I both immediately started looking around to help them. DH checked into jobs in the area for him and called around and actually got him several leads. I called a university in the area, and got information for her to transfer her studies and we found a few housing options for them to check into. A month after we did all this, they told us they couldn’t move for financial reasons and that they were going to stay put. I didn’t press her for too many details, because I respect her not wanting to get into issues with their money, but I was a little upset that they asked us for help when they hadn’t even sorted out if it was even possible for them to make the move.
Another example was for my birthday last year. We were home at the time and she said she wanted to throw me a party and invite all our friends etc because she was so happy that I was home for my birthday. She was planning it for a couple of weeks I guess, but the afternoon a few hours before the party when we were in the car she told me she couldn’t afford the snacks, drinks, or food for the party-but that she had everything else planned perfectly. I didn’t really know how she could have overlooked that detail of a party or hadn’t asked others to bring a dish or something, but we just went to the store and I bought everything. It’s a lot of things like this over the past couple of years.
Now, DH and I are renewing our vows next month and I told her about this last autumn and said she didn’t have to come if it wouldn’t work out financially for them, but just to tell me in advance. She told me they had a bunch of air miles to use before the end of the year, and that they were planning to take a holiday so that this would just be their trip. She told me two weeks later that they had booked everything and that they were so excited to come. While talking to the resort this week about getting everyone’s rooms in the same building, they couldn’t find her reservation. I called her to see what had happened, and she told me that they hadn’t actually booked it and she was too embarrassed to tell me they couldn’t afford it. I don’t feel good about it, but I snapped!! Was she just never going to tell me and hope I didn’t notice my Boyfriend or Best Friend wasn’t there?! I’m so mad that this has gotten to be just what I can expect from her, and that she just NEVER sticks to her word when it comes to anything that might involve money, and now she’s mad at me because she says I’m making her feel guilty about them not having as much money as we do and that she counted on me to have her back and I’ve betrayed her trust by not understanding her difficult financial position! We never argue but we actually yelled at each other quite a bit, and now we’re not speaking.
I want to fix this but I just don’t know how, because I’m really mad that I can’t count on her. I feel like to move forward I will have to lower my expectations when it comes to her and I just can’t seem to accept that I’ll have to learn not to count on my Boyfriend or Best Friend. Help bees! Any advice is welcome.