Post # 1
Just want your thoughts on something.
My FH is very kind almost to a fault. He constantly puts other people’s needs above his own (and even mine) however, most of the people is his life NEVER reciprocate.
My issue is with him lending money. Now I totally get that people can be down and out and I think its very important to be there for them , however, he has one female friend in particular (an older lady he met at church) that asks him to borrow money every month or so. I first found this out when he would be sending her email money transfers and around Christmas she sent him a message on Facebook asking for money and then saying “this is a gift not a loan”). Since then I don’t really know how often this happens but it seems to be every other month or month she is asking him to fork over more money (that I know of).
I expressed my concern to him and advised when we get married this will have to change. I find it disrespectful for a married woman to be constantly asking my partner for money and he is blind to the fact that, IMO, she is using his as a walking ATM! His argument is they are his friends and if they need something then he should be there for him as well as as long as our bills are paid “who cares” and he won’t seem to budge. I’ve spoken to some married women and every one agreed this happening on the regular is very innapropriate. I am not a jealous person and have never been but this really strikes me as odd….
What are your thoughts and how would you deal with this?
Post # 2
I think it is odd that it is this one person and it is so frequent. She’s obviously using him just for the money. My SO is the same way as he thinks it is his place to lend out money. He once lent his friend $400 to buy an Xbox. I was so pissed when he told me, and I was on him about it until he got the last penny back which took months. I would just continue to discuss with him and tell him you think this is wroncom maybe keep money separate or separate yours if you have to. My SO knows now not to offer money since we dont have tons ourselves.
Post # 3
This is a problem. We don’t have joint accounts. But we have joint bills and joint debt. When my husband lends money or treats people then WE lend money and treat people. I am not cool with that at all especially when the loans turn into gifts. Taking money out of our household is not acceptable.
Post # 4
No, you shouldn’t lend money to friends. My husband would be seriously PISSED if I lent money out. At times my friends and I buy things for each other on sale’s, or to save shipping, and then pay each other back etc… Or say if someone buys a chunk of concert tickets, the rest pay the person for their portion. But if I was to hand someone a chunk of cash he would definitely not be ok, and I wouldn’t if it went the other way.
Your FH is being totally taken advantage of and he doesn’t even realize it
Post # 5
I’ve seen this issue with my in laws, and I’m so glad DH feels the same about it as me.
It’s our money. If he wantst to help someone out, he needs to discuss it with me first. I wouldn’t mind helping someone out, but it needs to be affordable to us and something we agree on.
If someone forgets their wallet or something and DH needs to cover something for them and he trusts them to pay him back ASAP, then sure, he doesn’t need to check in with me first.
When someone comes right out, asks for money, then says it’s a loan and not a gift, I wouldn’t be lending to them or giving them a gift!
Post # 6
Thanks ladies for your replies!
Post # 7
Just an update… we while going through marriage counselling our pastor affirmed this is NOT okay! He mentioned to my FI that he is enabling these people as well as doing it when I’m uncomfortable with the situation isn’t honouring me….
I guess I’m not that crazy afterall!
Post # 8
One should only lend money one does not mind losing, and it shouldn’t be a recurring theme – definitely agree with your pastor and everyone else that this is not okay.
Post # 9
MeandMyLouboutins: How did you FH react to the what he paster said? I hope that he is now on fully on board. I mean the audacity of her not managing her own martial finaces and then dictating that its gift vs a loan. Oh hell no.
Post # 10
bklynbridetobe: He listened and I think he is still struggling with it to be honest. Someone like that doesn’t change overnight.