Post # 1
In the fall I’m going to start my 4th out of 5 years of college. Back in my freshman year, I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my mom (not like it has gotten much better…). Without asking, she “borrowed” 4.5k of my student loans right out of my bank account, along with a few other smaller irresponsible things involving my money.
Since then she hasn’t touched it, but I don’t know how to bring it up to her that I want it back because I have to start paying off those loans. I’m afraid she will start doing what she did before I started college and make up things that she’s paid for me since then and deduct it out of the total amount.
She’s very irresponsible with her money, while I am the exact opposite and have been financially independent (with the help of student loans) since starting college. I now have a well paying summer internship that she is aware of, and I’m afraid she will think “I don’t need it” and not give it back.
How do you guys deal with stubborn parents / fragile situations? I really don’t want to pull my dad / anything legal into it.
Post # 3
My mom did this too – we actually went to therapy over the issue (i’m almost 30 now and it happened while I was in college ages 19-21). The best thing I did was get her to admit, in a safe space, that she was desperate and needed the money. She was too ashamed to ask, so she played the “mom” card and guilted me about how much I owed her about her sacrifices over the years. Her and my dad were going through a really awful divorce at the time, and I had no idea how little she was left with, financially. She was too humiliated to admit to me why she needed the money.
Do you think there are any reasons you don’t know about why your mom might be acting like this? Anything deeper going on?
Post # 4
@crayfish: She might have been going through a mid-life crisis at the time or something, since then she has moved from our home to a high rise condo on the beach… but she still has my little brother to take care of, he is 12.
She has complained to me about being in debt my whole life, and I didn’t realize how much money she made from child support & my step dad until I had to fill out financial aid forms for college… she has MORE than enough and just has spending problems.
She also borrowed a ton of money from my sister… my sister paid for a new fridge, I paid for her boob job. I think she is more stable now, but I never know with her.
Post # 5
@wouldyoukindlyy: whoa, so she had the balls to ask you for a boob job but stole from your college fund? I’d be asking for the money. That is ridiculous.
Post # 6
@lia22: haha, no she stole the money claiming she “needed it” and shortly after got a boob job. Which ended up going not so well when she was allergic to the tape they used so she had medical visits for up to a year. So that was even more money. Not to mention they don’t even look any better.
Post # 7
@wouldyoukindlyy: ‘mom we need to talk about the 4.5k you took from my college loan. it will need to start being paid back on x date. what are your plans for paying it back? what sort of payment plan can you afford?’
then let her freak out. stay calm.
‘okay, i understand that you don’t have the money. the issue is that i don’t either – and i will not be taking responsibility for it. i have a meeting with the loan advisor and i’m going to let him know the actual amount that was used for tuition. I will give him your phone number and he will contact you so you can work something out with him.’
let her freak out more. then remind her that she’s had 3 years to put away money to pay it back, that her breast augmentation was not a necessity and that you will not be paying the 4.5k back. PERIOD.
then i’d actually do that. she is an adult who makes bad decisions, no chance i would take the consequences.
oh – and call the bank and ensure that she does not have access to any of your accounts – if she is a cosigner ask them to put a condition that she needs your signature to remove any money.