Post # 1
Fi and I got engaged right before Christmas. We’ve had multiple discussions over the years but in abstract ways. We’ve never lived together and never combineD finances. We had a vague sense of each others incomes and debts. Right off the bat, please no money bashing, I know how to fix that, but emotionally I’m a mess. We spoke a few days ago, starting with me giving exact figures and debt. I have credit card debt, which I did not have when I met him. He knew this debt was mounting as I paid for our trips, dinners, groceries, and on and on. I did that because he had just come out of a messy divorce and his mantra has been he is paying off debt and has no disposable income. In actuality he paid off his debt, let his parents buy him (an inexpensive uses car) because they wanted to help him through a hard time AND he has $50,000 in savings. There are other investments out there too.
He is, understandably, mad about my $20k credit card (I make $150k so I can pay it off in a year if I just stop paying his living and entertainment expenses). But I’m pissed too because, in my eyes, he misled people. I wouldn’t have paid for everything if I’d known he wasreally just a cheapskate (he calls it protecting his financial future, all about him him him). His parents are not wealthy people and while they were happy to help him out, it was wrong to take their money when he isn’t in bad shape. He said they offered to buy it for him because they hadnt paid for his college and they had helped his brother. His brother is a minister who lives down the street from his parents and helps them out. My Fi had a FULL, and I mean full (clothes, food, tuition, books) sports scholarship to college and makes more than I do.
Im just so mad that apparently I’m suPposed to be walking around with my head bowed in shame (I am ashamed at my debt BTW) but I am seeing him in a new light that upsets me. He seems misleading, miserly and selfish. I can’t let go being angry at him. Please give me a fresh set of eyes because we’ve talked it through (it’s not resolved in my mind because I’m concerned about this selfish with money thing) but I need to get over being so mad.I’ve got to let it go.
Post # 3
Eh, to me, it’s not a small enough issue that I could just “let go.” I could not be married to someone who is manipulative about money. I mean, he lied to you and allowed you to get into debt when he actually had the money to go out and do things? Even if he thought you had it and didn’t know you were going into debt, that’s still really disrespectful.
Post # 4
Um…if he has 50k in savings and you are in debt for paying his living expenses, he needs to pay that debt off! I also think that you should be FURIOUS. He is the one who should be ashamed. I don’t think I could marry someone who knowingly let me go into debt to pay for him to live while he was accepting money from others and building up his own savings. That is completely selfish and unacceptable.
If for some reason you are able to get through this, you need to combine finances. That will cancel out your debt and leave you with a good amount of savings as a couple.
Post # 5
@SomedaymrsWDS: It sounds like the big issue is that you didn’t sit down and discuss finances enough before you started paying for him too.
I’d be annoyed if I were you too, but it’s probably best if both of you work at just starting fresh. Discuss any major money decision before doing it. Maybe he will be open to helping you pay off your CC?
Post # 6
Hmm…this is a huge problem in my mind. We are 100% transparent with finances in my home and very sharing. I think that everyone has their own bad money energy and has to work on that – but I would not start off with a man like that.
Post # 7
Wow, he was letting you pay for his trips and everything and rack up debt while he socked away 50k in savings and other investments!?! That is pretty bullshit. I hope that debt did not cut into your own 401k and retirement. He has no right to be upset about your debt when he contributed to it IMO. However, I would have also not gone in to debt because of him in the first place. At this point, I’d look back at everything you paid for for him and have him pay that back plus interest to pay it off. He was so concerned about his ass and financial freedom, you need to do the same. You need to cover your rear too, cause apparently he isn’t as concerned for your finances as he is his own.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
He was wrong for misleading you and you were wrong for racking up debt for nonessential things (other than groceries obviously). Now that you’re both out in the open it’s time to work on communication skills and figuring out a healthy budget.
The main issue I see is that you already thought of your money as our money and he of his money as his money and your money as his money. That’s a problem and I would want to know if he can think of his money as our money before marrying him. The right thing for him to do would be paying off at least half of your credit card bill since he helped rack that up and paying it off will help both of you.
Post # 9
I’m sorry, what kind of man allows his girlfriend to rack up debt paying for HIS ass when he makes more money than she does? What kind of human being?
He knew he made more than you, he knew you were taking on debt to pay for his party nights out, and he was perfectly content to let that happen.
Sorry, that’s massive.
Post # 10
I think he gets a slight pass for shitty behavior right off of his divorce, a lot of things are shaken up and he might have been acting out of shorts. But continuing the behavior, and more than that, faulting you for having debts is not okay. He sounds incredibly selfish with his money and purchases, and you sound like you behaved selflessly.
Now the flip side. Racking up that much debt on entertainment was fiscally irresponsible of you. I am not going to judge what expenses you already have, but you have demonstrated to him that you are fine with living outside of your means (regardless of how much you make) and that can be a massive problem for a person who is a saver.
You both have financial issues, and that is a BIG problem you need to work through and get on the same page about. Money is one of the main things to cause strife in a marriage. It is wonderful that this came out, because you two need to sort it before you walk down the aisle.
Post # 11
I couldn’t marry someone who was this deceitful and selfish.
I also would not support a man or pay for everything. I know you had your reasons for doing so and you are a very generous woman to take on that responsibility.
Post # 12
@SomedaymrsWDS: How old is this guy? He let you pay for his trips and food and such for YEARS while saving up money, and let mommy and daddy buy him a car? Sounds like a moocher and/or a teenager, not someone who is ready for marriage.
Post # 13
I voted you were both wrong, and that this was serious. 20k debt is a lot. You have the income to pay it down, so that’s a plus. Please don’t add anymore debt. You already know that, but that’s a pretty fair amount of credit debt right there. I have family members who have bankrupted themselves through credit because it just keeps snowballing.
As for him, I don’t like for one second that he allowed you to pay for everything. I find it disgusting. At the same time, it was your choice. As a decent man, he had a responsibility to not be a freeloader, but I am going to guess that he did not force you to pay for everything.
The two of you have agreed to marry. If you are still going through with it, and combining finances is still your goal, you cannot divvy up money like this in the future. It needs to become “ours” and not “his and mine.” The two of you need to work together to pay down your debt. Come up with an action plan.
ETA: It may be a good idea to see a counselor, financial or relationship.
Post # 14
Hes a liar. What man lets his parents pay for a living expense when he has the funds??? What more secrets is he hiding would be my thoughts. This is not cool.
As far as your debts….he benefited from them so he cant get high and mighty after the fact. Second, you make a high enough income so its frankly none of his buiness, if there wasnt a direct discussion about this prior to the engaement. Third, HE LIED for YEARS. total dick move. What kind of manipulative emotional bullshit is he trying to pull. He is the probkem NOT you. The nerve. He has some big balls to pull this off.
Post # 15
@Sephiroth: +5,000 massive indeed
Post # 16
Wait – why was it ok for you to go into debt paying off his debt??? That makes no sense. He sounds like a selfish dick.