Monogamous relationship with a man who was once in a polyamorous relationship?

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
302 posts
Helper bee

Was he in love or serious with the women he was with when he was in a polyamorous relationship or was it just for the sex? I don’t think you can ever truly know what one is thinking, he obviously must’ve enjoyed the time he had in the polyamorous relationship seeing as he was in it for years. Perhaps he will eventually want to see other people, perhaps he won’t. My only concern with this, is the sleeping with multiple partners. Has he been tested lately? 

Post # 3
1219 posts
Bumble bee

First and foremost, I don’t see any reason not to take him at his word. The polyamorous relationship was probably fun for a while, but not his forever. Have there been red flags that make you think that’s a lifestyle he wants again, or are you creating a problem where none exists? 

Also, “new relationship” and “madly in love”/“moving in together” are all well and good… but maybe not right now. Have you given things time? Are you still in the obsessive lovey feelings of the honeymoon stage? I’m not saying the feelings aren’t real, but if you haven’t fully developed trust in your relationship, that’s likely where your doubts are stemming from. Trust takes longer to build than most people think. 

Post # 4
9736 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

It sounds like it was something he tried and has since decided it’s not for him. It’s not like every relationship he has up until you was poly, it was just one relationship. I wouldn’t worry about it. 

Post # 6
9972 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I would take him at his word. It’s possible he was okay with that set up before because it was “fun” and now he’s looking for something serious. 

Post # 8
890 posts
Busy bee

nyrame :  You mentioned the relationship is new, but you’re also discussing moving in together. Can you hold off on moving in until you get to know him a little better? If you’re having doubts, let the relationship develop slowly before making big commitments. You are potentially setting the relationship up for failure by rushing in. 

Post # 10
930 posts
Busy bee

nyrame :  Maybe the former relationship did not work for that being one of the reasons? Maybe it was too much? Jealousy, or insecurities, or distrust, or just drama….anything…maybe he experienced it but now that he knows what its like, he craves to be exclusively with someone and that person is you.

If he really enjoyed it, he would be looking for people that are at least open to the idea. Hes not. He wants you. Just you.

Post # 12
3533 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

He tried something new in his last relationship and decided in the end it wasn’t his thing. I think you need to take him at his word. 

You can’t drive yourself crazy worrying that he will one day decide he misses that lifestyle. If you want to go down that rabbit hole, what’s stopping you from worrying that one day he will decide he misses a certain ex, or some weird kinky shit you don’t even know about, or being single, or hell, maybe deciding he wants to experiment with dudes? 

He’s telling you that he wants a monogamous relationship with you now and going forward. Believe him. 

Post # 13
1219 posts
Bumble bee

nyrame :  Several months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. Why is there an urgency to move in together already? Create a more realistic timeline. My SO and I knew from early on that we wanted to get married, but we said we wouldn’t move in together until at least 8 months in. That date passed by and the situation still isn’t right for us to live together (my dang house won’t sell), but we still love each other just the same. The difference between now and several months in is that we’ve seen each other in so many different lights. He had surgery, I got a new job, we’ve traveled together several times, we’ve met all of each other’s family members, we’ve had conflict and resolved it, we’ve made it through a holiday season. We KNOW each other. How well do you know your SO? What I’m saying- there’s no rush, but rushing will ruin a relationship. 

The reason I say you’re rushing is that your gut is telling you so. The trust between you two isn’t where it needs to be yet if you’re second guessing the monogamy part of the relationship. Take your time! 

Post # 15
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

As someone who was in a poly relationship prior to my current one, I say take him at his word. I was poly before, and have absolutely ZERO desire to go down that path again. There is no doubt in my mind, that I want the relationship I’m in to be monogamous.

If it makes you feel any better, all of the polyamorous people I know are very upfront about their desire to continue polyamory in any future relationships, and generally make it very clear from the start. They do this because there is zero desire to *force* polyamory on anyone later on down the line. It just creates a whole big mess that could easily have been avoided.

If he’s saying to you, outright, that he’s not interested in being poly anymore, believe him.

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