Post # 1
Member
40 posts
Newbee
I am in a new relationship (started dating in September) and I am with a man who was in a polyamorous relationship with his last girlfriend. She introduced him to the lifestyle, having been polyamorous for years before. He was dating and in relationships with two women simultaneously. I believe the first girlfriend, who already had an alternative lifestyle, also dated other men. That was the ‘main’ relationship, but they both dated and slept with others. They parted ways a year ago. I met him through his sister in September at her birthday celebration. She and I are former colleagues and good friends. We started dating and he didn’t hide his former lifestyle from me. He assured me, and continues to assure me, that he wants an exclusive relationship with me and doesn’t want to be with anyone else. He wants us to live together and we are both deeply in love with each other. The only one thing that bothers me is his past polyamory. I feel nervous that one day he will want that lifestyle again and it’s something that I absolutely do not want. He says he cannot even imagine ever wanting anyone else and he wants only me. I know he loves me very much and is a fantastic boyfriend. How do I stop these fears coming into my mind? I am planning to agree to move in with him but would like to address this issue first.
Post # 2
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
Was he in love or serious with the women he was with when he was in a polyamorous relationship or was it just for the sex? I don’t think you can ever truly know what one is thinking, he obviously must’ve enjoyed the time he had in the polyamorous relationship seeing as he was in it for years. Perhaps he will eventually want to see other people, perhaps he won’t. My only concern with this, is the sleeping with multiple partners. Has he been tested lately?
Post # 3
Member
2211 posts
Buzzing bee
First and foremost, I don’t see any reason not to take him at his word. The polyamorous relationship was probably fun for a while, but not his forever. Have there been red flags that make you think that’s a lifestyle he wants again, or are you creating a problem where none exists?
Also, “new relationship” and “madly in love”/“moving in together” are all well and good… but maybe not right now. Have you given things time? Are you still in the obsessive lovey feelings of the honeymoon stage? I’m not saying the feelings aren’t real, but if you haven’t fully developed trust in your relationship, that’s likely where your doubts are stemming from. Trust takes longer to build than most people think.
Post # 4
Member
10453 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
It sounds like it was something he tried and has since decided it’s not for him. It’s not like every relationship he has up until you was poly, it was just one relationship. I wouldn’t worry about it.
Post # 5
Member
40 posts
Newbee
acornsandapples : He was serious but they grew apart.
I imagine seeing multiple partners must have contributed to that.
He said he got to a point where he wanted to settle down, but couldn’t commit to her in that way.
He’s been tested, yes. I asked for that before we slept together.
Post # 6
Member
10486 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I would take him at his word. It’s possible he was okay with that set up before because it was “fun” and now he’s looking for something serious.
Post # 7
Member
40 posts
Newbee
bouviebee : It’s been several months now.
No, no red flags or anything to worry about.
I just wonder sometimes if he would want that life again. I think it’s a worry in my mind. He has given me no reasons to doubt him.
Post # 8
Member
1171 posts
Bumble bee
nyrame : You mentioned the relationship is new, but you’re also discussing moving in together. Can you hold off on moving in until you get to know him a little better? If you’re having doubts, let the relationship develop slowly before making big commitments. You are potentially setting the relationship up for failure by rushing in.
Post # 9
Member
40 posts
Newbee
slomotion : Yes, that’s what he said. That he wanted to settle down and he couldn’t do it with her because of the lifestyle they had.
hikingbride : Yes, that was his only poly relationship. His ex introduced him to that lifestyle.
Post # 10
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
nyrame : Maybe the former relationship did not work for that being one of the reasons? Maybe it was too much? Jealousy, or insecurities, or distrust, or just drama….anything…maybe he experienced it but now that he knows what its like, he craves to be exclusively with someone and that person is you.
If he really enjoyed it, he would be looking for people that are at least open to the idea. Hes not. He wants you. Just you.
Post # 11
Member
40 posts
Newbee
bearinabeecostume : We’ve been together since September/October.
It’s new in that it’s less than a year old.
Even if we agree to it, we won’t move in together straight away. My contract at the place I currently live in will not end until after a few months. I will have to speak with my friends, who I share the house with.
Post # 12
Member
3048 posts
Sugar bee
He tried something new in his last relationship and decided in the end it wasn’t his thing. I think you need to take him at his word.
You can’t drive yourself crazy worrying that he will one day decide he misses that lifestyle. If you want to go down that rabbit hole, what’s stopping you from worrying that one day he will decide he misses a certain ex, or some weird kinky shit you don’t even know about, or being single, or hell, maybe deciding he wants to experiment with dudes?
He’s telling you that he wants a monogamous relationship with you now and going forward. Believe him.
Post # 13
Member
2211 posts
Buzzing bee
nyrame : Several months is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. Why is there an urgency to move in together already? Create a more realistic timeline. My SO and I knew from early on that we wanted to get married, but we said we wouldn’t move in together until at least 8 months in. That date passed by and the situation still isn’t right for us to live together (my dang house won’t sell), but we still love each other just the same. The difference between now and several months in is that we’ve seen each other in so many different lights. He had surgery, I got a new job, we’ve traveled together several times, we’ve met all of each other’s family members, we’ve had conflict and resolved it, we’ve made it through a holiday season. We KNOW each other. How well do you know your SO? What I’m saying- there’s no rush, but rushing will ruin a relationship.
The reason I say you’re rushing is that your gut is telling you so. The trust between you two isn’t where it needs to be yet if you’re second guessing the monogamy part of the relationship. Take your time!
Post # 14
Member
40 posts
Newbee
bouviebee : I share a house with friends and have a contract that will expire in a few months. So I’d like to decide before that happens.
Otherwise I’ll sign for another six months.
Post # 15
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
As someone who was in a poly relationship prior to my current one, I say take him at his word. I was poly before, and have absolutely ZERO desire to go down that path again. There is no doubt in my mind, that I want the relationship I’m in to be monogamous.
If it makes you feel any better, all of the polyamorous people I know are very upfront about their desire to continue polyamory in any future relationships, and generally make it very clear from the start. They do this because there is zero desire to *force* polyamory on anyone later on down the line. It just creates a whole big mess that could easily have been avoided.
If he’s saying to you, outright, that he’s not interested in being poly anymore, believe him.