(Closed) MonsterInLaws…grr

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@TiffanyBlue91011: Something similair happened between myself, my Fiance, and my Future Mother-In-Law, where she decided to stick her nose into our wedding party and ended with my shouting at her. However my Fiance, stood by me the whole time, to which I was/am really grateful for. I told him that as his wife, I will NOT be 2nd to his irrational mother and if he cant handle it then our relationship would not continue. He obviously decided that I was more important than his mother throwing a tantrum over something so stupid, however, my relationship with his mother has never been the same and likely wont recover to its former self. We are just now on speaking terms and this happened a few months ago. 

You and your Fiance need to sit down and talk about this like adults. You really should apologize (though it sucks). I apologized an hour after yelling, not for the things I said, just because I raised my voice (and yes it was a BITCH to do since I really wasnt sorry at all). Its the right thing to do. If hes willing to give up on you and the wedding over a simple apology, he does have some issues that you both must discuss before continuing with the wedding. Good luck. 

Post # 4
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You’re not wrong. Your wedding. Your money. Her mouth shut. Period. Especially over something SOOOO ridiculous. He backs you or he doesn’t. But he needs to let you know by morning so you can start making calls.

Post # 5
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

1. Your husband should have been a lot more supportive of you. I agree that he was putting you second to his mother and I know I would not be a happy camper! 

2. Telling you he is not going through with the wedding unless YOU apologize is just rude. I would seriously reconsider marriage  if after my FI’s mom and me got in a fight he called off the wedding. 

3. She definitely needs to calm down about all the wedding details. She’s not paying so (harsh, I know) she has no say. Not that she can’t be included in the planning but if she is going to question you revery judgement then she needs to back off.

4. I don’t want to make you feel bad or like I’m picking on you but you probably could have handled the situation better. Maybe you could have just said that you have got all the seating arrangements under control and that you don’t need any input.  However if she just kept yelling at you I would have also asked her to leave.

All in all I would probably apologize for losing my cool with her and ask that she also apologized for how she behaved. However, I would have a very long discussion with your Fiance about how he needs to back you up because you are going to be his wife and you will not take backseat to the crazy demands of his mother.  You definitely need to figure this out before you decide to continue with the wedding planning. Good Luck!!

 

Post # 7
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think the biggest problem here is that your Fiance is taking his mom’s side. Sit down and talk with him and figure this out. YOU are going to be his wife, that means YOU are going to be the #1 woman in his life. He needs to control his mom.

Post # 8
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think you are wise to postpone the marriage. If he is going to make a habit of siding with his mom he isn’t ready for marriage. Obviously the umbilical cord hasn’t been cut. I wasn’t there so I can’t speak to whether you said anything you need to apologize for but for him issuing that ultimatum was crossing the line- big time. That is manipulation and control and is a red flag to me. I would wait and see if he apologizes for saying that. HUGS

Post # 9
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

WOW…SO SORRY THIS IS HAPPENING SO CLOSE TO YOUR WEDDING DATE**HUGS**

Post # 10
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Do you want to marry him?  If so, sometimes you just gotta suck things up.  Don’t get me wrong, he SHOULD NOT have given you an ultimatum and should have stepped in immediately to back you…BUT everyone’s stress level (I assume) is pretty high and sometimes we all do things we shouldn’t.  I’m in no way judging you, but my personal opinion is that you shouldn’t disrespect “elders” by yelling at them (Having said that, I have disrespected elders and yelled at them–which is why there’s no judgement from me!).  Yes, she yelled and cussed at you and she deserved being yelled at and kicked out because she disrespected you in your home…but are you willing to throw it all away over an argument?  If not, then tell Fiance you will apologize to her for yelling at her, but she must also apologize to YOU for yelling and cussing at you too.  Is this a first occurrence of Fiance not having your back, or is this a pattern? If it’s a pattern, then I agree with everyone else about re-assessing the marriage. If it’s a one off, give him a mulligan, explain that you MUST come first and he must have your back–hopefully enough time has passed since the argument that cooler heads can prevail. 

Post # 11
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

holy crap!  if my then Fiance said that i had to apologize to his mommy or he wont marry me then i would be telling him goodluck with him getting his blowjobs from his mom.  even if you were in the wrong – i would try to have people sit and discuss it before i give ultimatiums like that

sorry i dont have any advise but to let things cool down and let him be responsible for making the decision – if there is no wedding will your relationship continue???

Post # 12
Member
7416 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@eloping: ROTFL @ getting BJs from mom. …

OP I’m sorry your going thru this. Hope things work out.

Post # 14
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t get it. You started out by saying you didn’t want to argue with her, but as soon as she came back you blew up anyway? If he was there, isn’t it possible that he sees things differently and really does feel you were wrong about what you said and how you spoke to his Mother? Why does it have to be an automatic thing that he takes your side if he thinks your approach and handling of it was wrong?

I wonder what her side of the story is?

Post # 16
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@TiffanyBlue91011:

I do not plan on apologizing for the simple fact that I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. She cursed, I cursed, she yelled, I yelled. Not to mention that all this went on in OUR home with OUR 2 year old son watching and wondering WTF had his mommy crying!

I understand being stressed out and upset, but if you were cursing and screaming in front of your two year old son, you definitely did something wrong.

I think to make this better, you probably need to do two things:

1) Sit down and talk to your fiance about his ultimatum. With the two most important women in his life screaming and swearing at each other in front of his child, I don’t really blame him for reacting out of anger and frustration. He must’ve looked at the two of you acting like harpies and said, “Oh my god, is this going to be the rest of my life?”

2) Sit down with his mom and apologize to each other. Neither one of you sounds like you were a peach. Though of course, if you’re willing to throw out your marriage and your relationship and spend the next sixteen years in and out of court arguing over visitation and child support, by all means, stick to your principles because you don’t feel that you did anything wrong.

If you marry this man, his mother is going to be part of your life forever. That’s just how it works. If you feel that he won’t stand up for you and that he comes down on you when you stand up  for yourself, you should address that with him, because really, he should’ve told his mom to stay out of it in the first place. (But that doesn’t excuse you screaming and cursing at his mother, no matter who started it, so don’t try and lay it all on him either.)

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