Post # 1
Hi Ladies! I am a long-time lurker of this site and just registered because I need to vent to someone who understands. My Fiance and I got engaged Christmas of 2010 and were planning a wedding for this Saturday. Now it looks like that won’t be happening all because of his bitch of a mother. This will be long…
Background: Fiance and I have been together for 4 years, have a 2 year old son and for the past 8 months that I’ve been planning this wedding (and I say I because I have been doing EVERYTHING!) his mother has been trying to make it seem like our wedding is some kind of competition between families. Which is ridiculous because my parents, my Fiance, and I have paid for everything. No competition there.
Well today as I was making the place cards for the family tables, it all came to a head, she and I ended up in a shouting match, and she was asked to leave my home. This is what started it: I made a list numbered 1-24 to keep track of the names to make cards for. I did my 12 first and then filled in the ones of his who I knew were coming, leaving the rest blank for when he came home to finish. The list was just that, a list, to keep track of how many each of us had at the table. His mother came over to be nosy (as usual) and flipped when she saw the list because she thought she was going to be the 13th person at the table. I explained to her what I was doing and she seemed ok with it.
Fiance and her left and went to a cookout (I didn’t go because I have a lot of DIY stuff to finish and didn’t feel like being bothered) and when they came back, she started back up with the same shit. At that point, I lost it because 1. she’s not paying for anything therefore. 2. nobody asked her opinion. 3. I am so sick of wedding planning at this point and 4. I don’t feel like arguing with her this close to my wedding. Words were exchanged and I let her know that we were going to do it however we see fit and tough tit if she has a problem with it. The altercation ended with her leaving, vowing to never return (hooray!) and me telling Fiance not to ever allow his mother to speak to me that way again. Then the bomb dropped. He informed me that if I didn’t apologize to her, the wedding was off. So that’s where we are. I’m not apologizing so the wedding must be off. I am waiting for him to give me the definite go ahead to call my vendors and let them know it’s off. I do not intend on spending the rest of my life coming in 2nd place to her and I don’t appreciate being offered ultimatums. Thanks if you read this far. What do you all think? Am I wrong?
Post # 3
@TiffanyBlue91011: Something similair happened between myself, my Fiance, and my Future Mother-In-Law, where she decided to stick her nose into our wedding party and ended with my shouting at her. However my Fiance, stood by me the whole time, to which I was/am really grateful for. I told him that as his wife, I will NOT be 2nd to his irrational mother and if he cant handle it then our relationship would not continue. He obviously decided that I was more important than his mother throwing a tantrum over something so stupid, however, my relationship with his mother has never been the same and likely wont recover to its former self. We are just now on speaking terms and this happened a few months ago.
You and your Fiance need to sit down and talk about this like adults. You really should apologize (though it sucks). I apologized an hour after yelling, not for the things I said, just because I raised my voice (and yes it was a BITCH to do since I really wasnt sorry at all). Its the right thing to do. If hes willing to give up on you and the wedding over a simple apology, he does have some issues that you both must discuss before continuing with the wedding. Good luck.
Post # 4
You’re not wrong. Your wedding. Your money. Her mouth shut. Period. Especially over something SOOOO ridiculous. He backs you or he doesn’t. But he needs to let you know by morning so you can start making calls.
Post # 5
1. Your husband should have been a lot more supportive of you. I agree that he was putting you second to his mother and I know I would not be a happy camper!
2. Telling you he is not going through with the wedding unless YOU apologize is just rude. I would seriously reconsider marriage if after my FI’s mom and me got in a fight he called off the wedding.
3. She definitely needs to calm down about all the wedding details. She’s not paying so (harsh, I know) she has no say. Not that she can’t be included in the planning but if she is going to question you revery judgement then she needs to back off.
4. I don’t want to make you feel bad or like I’m picking on you but you probably could have handled the situation better. Maybe you could have just said that you have got all the seating arrangements under control and that you don’t need any input. However if she just kept yelling at you I would have also asked her to leave.
All in all I would probably apologize for losing my cool with her and ask that she also apologized for how she behaved. However, I would have a very long discussion with your Fiance about how he needs to back you up because you are going to be his wife and you will not take backseat to the crazy demands of his mother. You definitely need to figure this out before you decide to continue with the wedding planning. Good Luck!!
Post # 6
@MsNarwhal: I do not plan on apologizing for the simple fact that I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. She cursed, I cursed, she yelled, I yelled. Not to mention that all this went on in OUR home with OUR 2 year old son watching and wondering WTF had his mommy crying! If she is going to always be 1st place in my marriage, it’s best to move on now before things get even more complicated. I read your thread and I don’t think I would have apologized in your situation either. Because if they know that they can come in and start shit and then get apologized to, it will always be a problem. I’m just not starting out like that.
Post # 7
I think the biggest problem here is that your Fiance is taking his mom’s side. Sit down and talk with him and figure this out. YOU are going to be his wife, that means YOU are going to be the #1 woman in his life. He needs to control his mom.
Post # 8
I think you are wise to postpone the marriage. If he is going to make a habit of siding with his mom he isn’t ready for marriage. Obviously the umbilical cord hasn’t been cut. I wasn’t there so I can’t speak to whether you said anything you need to apologize for but for him issuing that ultimatum was crossing the line- big time. That is manipulation and control and is a red flag to me. I would wait and see if he apologizes for saying that. HUGS
Post # 9
WOW…SO SORRY THIS IS HAPPENING SO CLOSE TO YOUR WEDDING DATE**HUGS**
Post # 10
Do you want to marry him? If so, sometimes you just gotta suck things up. Don’t get me wrong, he SHOULD NOT have given you an ultimatum and should have stepped in immediately to back you…BUT everyone’s stress level (I assume) is pretty high and sometimes we all do things we shouldn’t. I’m in no way judging you, but my personal opinion is that you shouldn’t disrespect “elders” by yelling at them (Having said that, I have disrespected elders and yelled at them–which is why there’s no judgement from me!). Yes, she yelled and cussed at you and she deserved being yelled at and kicked out because she disrespected you in your home…but are you willing to throw it all away over an argument? If not, then tell Fiance you will apologize to her for yelling at her, but she must also apologize to YOU for yelling and cussing at you too. Is this a first occurrence of Fiance not having your back, or is this a pattern? If it’s a pattern, then I agree with everyone else about re-assessing the marriage. If it’s a one off, give him a mulligan, explain that you MUST come first and he must have your back–hopefully enough time has passed since the argument that cooler heads can prevail.
Post # 11
holy crap! if my then Fiance said that i had to apologize to his mommy or he wont marry me then i would be telling him goodluck with him getting his blowjobs from his mom. even if you were in the wrong – i would try to have people sit and discuss it before i give ultimatiums like that
sorry i dont have any advise but to let things cool down and let him be responsible for making the decision – if there is no wedding will your relationship continue???
Post # 12
@eloping: ROTFL @ getting BJs from mom. …
OP I’m sorry your going thru this. Hope things work out.
Post # 13
@TiffanyBlue91011: Hello! I private messaged you. 🙂
Post # 14
I don’t get it. You started out by saying you didn’t want to argue with her, but as soon as she came back you blew up anyway? If he was there, isn’t it possible that he sees things differently and really does feel you were wrong about what you said and how you spoke to his Mother? Why does it have to be an automatic thing that he takes your side if he thinks your approach and handling of it was wrong?
I wonder what her side of the story is?
Post # 16
I do not plan on apologizing for the simple fact that I don’t feel like I did anything wrong. She cursed, I cursed, she yelled, I yelled. Not to mention that all this went on in OUR home with OUR 2 year old son watching and wondering WTF had his mommy crying!
I understand being stressed out and upset, but if you were cursing and screaming in front of your two year old son, you definitely did something wrong.
I think to make this better, you probably need to do two things:
1) Sit down and talk to your fiance about his ultimatum. With the two most important women in his life screaming and swearing at each other in front of his child, I don’t really blame him for reacting out of anger and frustration. He must’ve looked at the two of you acting like harpies and said, “Oh my god, is this going to be the rest of my life?”
2) Sit down with his mom and apologize to each other. Neither one of you sounds like you were a peach. Though of course, if you’re willing to throw out your marriage and your relationship and spend the next sixteen years in and out of court arguing over visitation and child support, by all means, stick to your principles because you don’t feel that you did anything wrong.
If you marry this man, his mother is going to be part of your life forever. That’s just how it works. If you feel that he won’t stand up for you and that he comes down on you when you stand up for yourself, you should address that with him, because really, he should’ve told his mom to stay out of it in the first place. (But that doesn’t excuse you screaming and cursing at his mother, no matter who started it, so don’t try and lay it all on him either.)