(Closed) Mopey bf after argument?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds to me like there are 2 separate issues here: one is how your Boyfriend or Best Friend reacts when he is upset and the second is how your Boyfriend or Best Friend reacts when you’re upset.  For the first issue – I know sometimes when I’m upset about something, I need withdraw into myself to work through my feelings.  To an outsider, it may just look like I’m sulking but really, I’m actually working on resolving my negative emotions.  Do you think your BF is just punishing you with his behaviour or could this just be the way he deals with upsetting things?  I’m not saying its a particularly mature or considerate way to react, but we all deal with things differently and maybe some alone time to get over whatever is upsetting him is what he needs.  On the other hand, if he just wants to make you feel bad and force you to apologize repeatedly, then there is nothing redeemable about his behaviour.  What do you think would happen if you just left him alone after a fight? Do you think he’d eventually get over it or would this just extend his sulk? Maybe you can just back off next time he’s upset with you – either he’ll come to his senses or it’ll help you realize that you are dating a giant baby.

As for the second issue – refusing to apologize/comfort you – I think that is the more serious problem of the two. Nobody should feel like their feelings are being repeatedly ignored in a relationship.  If you have explained this to him and he still refuses to acknowledge his wrongdoings, your feelings or even the idea that you have feelings in the first place (“he doesn’t understand how my feelings could be hurt”) I don’t think this is a healthy situation for you to be in.  You will always have bumps in the road but the distinction between good and bad relationships is that in good ones, both parties make an effort to fix the problems.  If only one of you is doing the work, the only one of you values the relationship, and that isn’t a situation you should stay in.

Post # 3
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee

You might read up on narcissism or google emotional vampires.  Sounds like my ex :/

Post # 4
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

He’s being manipulative. Why should he care about your feelings when you allow him to get away with not doing so? (Sarcasm) 

You need to cut this behavior out ASAP. IMO this is borderline emotional abuse, making you feel like it’s always your fault and withholding affection. He’s being an ass. Stop apologizing to him for his being an ass. Stand up for yourself and stop allowing him to be a manipulative brat. He knows what he’s doing. What does that tell you about his feelings toward you? 

Post # 5
Member
11392 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
gemstoneheart :  he is punishing you, whether he intends to or not. You need to talk with him and see if this is intentional. Tell him it’s not healthy and it’s hurting you and ask him to try to show you he loves you even after a fight. If he tries, great. If he doesn’t, that will tell you everything. 

fighting fairly is very important and if he won’t or can’t change, you will not be able to trust him. 

Post # 6
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
gemstoneheart :  Manipulation at it’s best.

He can do no wrong. You’re feelings don’t matter. Simple answer from me. Leave him. I may sound harsh but this is my perspective I spent 4 years of my life with someone this way; and it messed me up emotionally. I always felt like I was wrong. I was breathing? Wrong. He was cheating. Not wrong.

Talk to him if he shuts down he’s not worth the emotional effort.

Post # 7
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: LA Athletic Club

View original reply
gemstoneheart :  Hi Bee,

I know you’ve posted several threads but it seems from what I read you’re a lot more committed to making this relationship work. He kept giving you days or weekends he was going to propose and doesn’t. He seems to be making excuses or giving deadlines just to string you along and keep you. Fighting the way he does is another indication of immaturity and not being ready for marriage.

Post # 8
Member
44 posts
Newbee

View original reply
gemstoneheart :  no, Bee. I’m afraid your Boyfriend or Best Friend is a drama queen. He does EXACTLY what an old friend of mine used to do, and when I ended our friendship it was freeing. Sometimes personalities just clash and just can’t be fixed.

Some people like to assume the “oh baby let me make it better for you” role, and there are people who say “OMFG stop moping and let’s talk this out like rationsl adults”. If you’re in the latter but he wants you in the former, too bad…

That’s just my humble opinion though bee, I hope things work out for you <3

Post # 9
Member
928 posts
Busy bee

Maybe its not your bf’s moping that is the problem. Maybe you should find out why you are arguing to being with so you can work it out before a fight breaks out and that happens again.

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