Post # 1
Hi bees, posting a lot lately – life hasn’t been the best and need support/advice for yet another issue. I don’t know if what I’m about to ask is possible, but I’ll go ahead anyway, but is there anyway to encourage someone to let go and forgive?
I ask this because whenever my boyfriend and I have an argument, he gets really ‘mopey’ the next couple of days. I always apologise (even if I haven’t done anything wrong I will apologise for not bringing it up in a way that was maybe more sensitive and open to his perspective) and I always ask him what he needs to make him feel better. He always says he “doesn’t know” and that he will just get over it eventually. And I do understand that healing does take time and I totally get that and respect it but during the whole healing process he will be distant, withhold affection, avoid any meaningful conversation etc.
This behaviour is really taking a toll on the relationship and we end up fighting again because I feel like I’m putting in a lot of effort to apologise for and make up for any wrong doing on my part while he just sits there and mopes and doesn’t try to do anything productive about getting past the hurt.
I also find it very inconsiderate as he never goes to the effort I go to to make it up to me. I am always told that I am being over sensitive or am feeling disproportionate emotions in relation to a certain event – which I can sometimes agree with, but not all the time. Sometimes I think I have a very valid reason to be upset with him yet he refuses to accept that he has hurt my feelings because he doesn’t understand how my feelings could be hurt. This is hard on me and there are several times where I don’t understand how something I have done could upset him but I respect that he feels I have hurt him and I will try and make amends. I do not get this in return.
I guess what I am asking is if there is anyway or anything I can do other than what I am already doing to help him move forward. He seems to get very stuck in his feelings and it feels like he is trying to punish me by refusing to let me help him and then being distant and cold towards me. I just don’t know how to handle this. It isn’t healthy and I have bought this up with him but still to no avail.
Post # 2
It sounds to me like there are 2 separate issues here: one is how your Boyfriend or Best Friend reacts when he is upset and the second is how your Boyfriend or Best Friend reacts when you’re upset. For the first issue – I know sometimes when I’m upset about something, I need withdraw into myself to work through my feelings. To an outsider, it may just look like I’m sulking but really, I’m actually working on resolving my negative emotions. Do you think your BF is just punishing you with his behaviour or could this just be the way he deals with upsetting things? I’m not saying its a particularly mature or considerate way to react, but we all deal with things differently and maybe some alone time to get over whatever is upsetting him is what he needs. On the other hand, if he just wants to make you feel bad and force you to apologize repeatedly, then there is nothing redeemable about his behaviour. What do you think would happen if you just left him alone after a fight? Do you think he’d eventually get over it or would this just extend his sulk? Maybe you can just back off next time he’s upset with you – either he’ll come to his senses or it’ll help you realize that you are dating a giant baby.
As for the second issue – refusing to apologize/comfort you – I think that is the more serious problem of the two. Nobody should feel like their feelings are being repeatedly ignored in a relationship. If you have explained this to him and he still refuses to acknowledge his wrongdoings, your feelings or even the idea that you have feelings in the first place (“he doesn’t understand how my feelings could be hurt”) I don’t think this is a healthy situation for you to be in. You will always have bumps in the road but the distinction between good and bad relationships is that in good ones, both parties make an effort to fix the problems. If only one of you is doing the work, the only one of you values the relationship, and that isn’t a situation you should stay in.
Post # 3
You might read up on narcissism or google emotional vampires. Sounds like my ex :/
Post # 4
He’s being manipulative. Why should he care about your feelings when you allow him to get away with not doing so? (Sarcasm)
You need to cut this behavior out ASAP. IMO this is borderline emotional abuse, making you feel like it’s always your fault and withholding affection. He’s being an ass. Stop apologizing to him for his being an ass. Stand up for yourself and stop allowing him to be a manipulative brat. He knows what he’s doing. What does that tell you about his feelings toward you?
Post # 5
he is punishing you, whether he intends to or not. You need to talk with him and see if this is intentional. Tell him it’s not healthy and it’s hurting you and ask him to try to show you he loves you even after a fight. If he tries, great. If he doesn’t, that will tell you everything.
fighting fairly is very important and if he won’t or can’t change, you will not be able to trust him.
Post # 6
Manipulation at it’s best.
He can do no wrong. You’re feelings don’t matter. Simple answer from me. Leave him. I may sound harsh but this is my perspective I spent 4 years of my life with someone this way; and it messed me up emotionally. I always felt like I was wrong. I was breathing? Wrong. He was cheating. Not wrong.
Talk to him if he shuts down he’s not worth the emotional effort.
Post # 7
- Wedding: LA Athletic Club
I know you’ve posted several threads but it seems from what I read you’re a lot more committed to making this relationship work. He kept giving you days or weekends he was going to propose and doesn’t. He seems to be making excuses or giving deadlines just to string you along and keep you. Fighting the way he does is another indication of immaturity and not being ready for marriage.
Post # 8
no, Bee. I’m afraid your Boyfriend or Best Friend is a drama queen. He does EXACTLY what an old friend of mine used to do, and when I ended our friendship it was freeing. Sometimes personalities just clash and just can’t be fixed.
Some people like to assume the “oh baby let me make it better for you” role, and there are people who say “OMFG stop moping and let’s talk this out like rationsl adults”. If you’re in the latter but he wants you in the former, too bad…
That’s just my humble opinion though bee, I hope things work out for you <3
Post # 9
Maybe its not your bf’s moping that is the problem. Maybe you should find out why you are arguing to being with so you can work it out before a fight breaks out and that happens again.