Moral dilemma: Should I go to a wedding when I know the groom tries to cheat?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee

Hard to say whether or not you should alert the fiance.  I’ve seen the messenger get killed in situations like this multiple times and then the couple gets married anyway.

I do wonder if she knows and puts up with it.  Anyone who’s that losey goosey with their sleaziness is bound to get caught real soon.  

Anywho, I’d probably go to the wedding but not the bridal shower.

 

ETA:  Didn’t read the OP through completely so missed the part about soliciting pics.  I wouldn’t go to any events and definitely wouldn’t help with that cover up.

Post # 47
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Of course I wouldn’t attend. I’d probably feel like a complete POS, watching a good woman make vows to her future ex husband, and god help everyone during that “speak now or forever hold your peace” bit. 

More importantly though, if I ever found out that my ex husband was attempting to cheat throughout our relationship, and that my close friend knew and still let me go through with the marriage in ignorance because she “knew what was best for me” she’d be an ex too. Let’s get one thing straight here- your SIL isn’t protecting Amanda by hiding the truth from her. She’s protecting Mr. Future Ex. That’s not what a good friend would do.  Amanda deserves to know the truth

Post # 48
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

View original reply
hikingbride :  I agree with this wholeheartedly. I’ve seen so many people come here and say they stay out of things for fear of the person ‘shooting the messenger’. However I’d much rather risk it and try and do what’s right, than stay quiet to keep a friend I’m lying to who deserves to know the truth, no matter what they do with that information.

Post # 49
Member
792 posts
Busy bee

 

Do the right thing, because it’s the right thing to do.

Stop thinking so much about everyone else whose lives will NOT be ruined. And think about that one innocent person whom YOU are sending to the butchershop for no reason. 

What would you like to have done unto you?

Post # 50
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
mrsjadexo :  OP, any updates? What did you end up doing? 

I hope you told Amanda. Even if she decided to stay with him, you will have that off your conscience. As far as your husband’s family–they will forgive you (although IMO you are doing the right thing and there is nothing to forgive), and if they don’t then would you really want a relationship with them?

Post # 51
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2019

Whoa Whoa Whoa. Amanda needs to know all of this. She needs to be the one to decide if she wants to stay and presumably have children with someone who tried to solicit bra pics from a 14 year old GIRL, a CHILD. Normal men don’t do that with a CHILD becaue they had an off day. I don’t care if it was 10 years or 10 mins ago.  I don’t care about the sister in law or whatever else is a “factor” in this. That bra thing alone is enough to tell Amada what is going on. You are not protecting anyone, in fact you are endangering other CHILDREN and maybe HER current and/or future children by not telling her. Does your sister in law have children? Isn’t it super scary to even think this guy may be around your neices or future neices? Is it super scary to think your future children may be at her house when he drops by for some pics, I mean dinner? Come on.

Post # 53
Member
3454 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

View original reply
mrsjadexo :  you’ve done what you can. Good on ya.

As for the wedding? I would not go.

Post # 54
Member
4634 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

 

View original reply
mrsjadexo :  just read your update. You have done what you can. If she does get married to him she at least will be compensated monetarily when she’s had enough of the cheating bastard.

I feel bad for the girl. To think she has such little self worth that she puts up with his behaviour and puts too much of her value on owning status symbols. That’s a sad existence and somewhere along the way her family situation has taught and reinforced that thought process. ๐Ÿ˜Ÿ I hope she recognises this before she passes that behaviour and pattern to any children she has with this guy….

Post # 55
Member
5480 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

You have done what you can. Hopefully they live apart and he couldn’t have intercepted the letter. Everyone’s the author of their own story, she is choosing her path.

Post # 56
Member
11339 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
mrsjadexo :  

Try contacting CPS and ask them if there is anything that can be done about his child predation.

Post # 57
Member
3454 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I just want to add to my previous post here – it is perfectly acceptable to decline an invitation to a wedding that you do not believe in. In fact, I would find it incredibly uncomfortable to sit there and watch two people make vows to one another that you know are bullshit and you know will end in divorce, adultery or just a giant mess in general. 

I have declined exactlyl three wedding invitations in my life.  One was because I was in university and could not afford to fly back home for the wedding of a family friend who I wasn’t really that close with anymore anyways. The other two were because I did not believe in the wedding – and I turned out to be very right about both.

I declined to attend my cousin’s wedding several years ago, citing finances (believable but not actually true. If it was a wedding I believed in I would have gone becaue I am quite close with that cousin). I had never really trusted his wife and just knew it wasn’t going to last. They ended up divorcing after 3 years of marriage when he found out she had been having an affair with a coworker for over a year and a half. 

The other invitation I declined was a good friend from childhood. Had he been marrying someone worth her salt I would have attended without question. But the woman he was engaged to marry was controlling and possessive, so much so that when I would be home to visit she would not allow him to see me at all, despite the fact we had been friends for years and never sexually or romantically involved at all. She would rarely allow him to see any of his friends and would get upset any time he so much as suggested he’d like to hang out with some friends for the night. I did not make up an excuse when I declined that invitation. Told him straight up he was making a mistake and I do not support it.

Fortunately, he came to his senses and called the wedding off about a month before it was set to happen. He’s since met and married an absolute stunner of a lady who’s funny, smart and cool as hell. 

Post # 58
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Out of curiosity, did you go to the shower in the end?

 

And re the 14 year old… whether or not to revisit the incident and pursue the predator who did that to her and the church personnel who hushed it up should be HER choice, noone else’s.  If she’s over 18 now I would be tempted to reach out to her and find out what SHE thinks about it all. 

Post # 60
Member
2723 posts
Sugar bee

I think you did the right thing. Even though you’d have been morally right to tell her directly, I understand wanting to protect your relationship with your SIL who clearly knows her friend pretty well. But at least now you’ll never have to worry that you witheld information that would have affected a HUGE life decision for her. Now her terrible decisions are all on her. 

Kind of ridiculous about the IG story too.. it’s almost like she’s telling whoever sent the info, ‘Sure he tries to sleep with other women, but check out the RING’  ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„

 

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