- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
So I’ve written before about issues with my mother here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/dealing-with-unstable-mother-who-is-ill
She is still ill, and its Christmas so that’s stressful. I drove to visit her and my sister last week to help around the house and stuff (my 18 year old sister is in school and just young – doesn’t know how to do much).
I spent a good six hours cleaning the house top to bottom, completing everything on the list of duties my mother needed done. At the end of it she looks as hard as she possibly can for things to crtiticize – I did things that weren’t on the list (wipe down the kitchen) and didn’t vaccum upstairs because she was sleeping and I didn’t want ot disturb her. Since there wasn’t enough for her to get mad at me at, she went on a huge rant about how I dont support her and all the issues she’s having with the healthcare system and if she were me she wouldn’t be acting like me, a “spoiled bitch.”
Before this, I had recevied calls and facebook messages from my old nanny, my best friend’s mom and my sister’s friends mom saying “you need to go home and see your mother.” Yeah, maybe I do, but I don’t need to put up with her shit about how much I suck at life and how she thinks I’m a terrible person.
I didn’t respond to these calls. The first was because my mother had called my best friend/BM to say she wouldn’t be attending my shower because I’m a terrible daughter. Fine – feel that way – but why go stirring up gossip with MY friend’s mother??? Then my sister’s friend’s mom calls to say its my responsibility to go home because my mom needs help. I don’t even know this woman, I’m sure she has great intentions, but I don’t want to get into the reasons I come across as a bad person (mother’s mental illness/abuse). Then my nanny sends me a facebook message this week to say “in the spirit of Christmas, go see your dying mother because she loves you”. I don’t even know how to respond to that without getting into the whole story, and I also feel like she was present when I was a child and never recognized the pain we went through in our household. I know she couldn’t do anything about it, but I’m still very hurt form my parent’s divorce and my mother’s treatment towards me. You aren’t supposed to think your kid is evil. (Just a side note, because there’s that stupid Adam Lanza mother article going around – I do not have mental illness, have received counselling, am very successful both in business and academics, etc. I function relatively normally in society). I’m sure this woman thinks she’s doing good, as she’s my mother’s friend. I feel so embarassed.
I get it – her life is shitty and she’s angry and she has cancer and she’s dying. Now she’s getting all these people to contact me. I feel guilty and terrible. I haven’t responded to them because I’m not sure how. I don’t agree with the perception my mother gives that she is the victim. She has said some pretty nasty, awful things. I understand alot of it is mental illness, and that is her reality. She’s so hard and awful to be around I feel like I want to die when I’m near her. I know that’s dramatic but she kills me inside. It makes me angry that people don’t see how she is behind closed doors.
I don’t know what’s appropriate. How do I respond to these people who obviously think I’m not being a good daughter? Should I? What responsibilities do I have to my dying mother? I know my mom speaks poorly of me to alot of people, and for the most part it doesn’t affect me because I’ve moved away. I’m dreading Christmas, even though I’ll only see her a couple hours.