Morbid post: how do you deal with the idea of death?

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
4559 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Well, it is going to happen. Don’t know when, don’t know how. 

So, uh, I don’t fixate on it. My Nanna who passed in december experienced so many losses in her life, due to living so long. Her mantra was ‘life is for the living’ and heck yes, it is. 

Post # 17
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee

Death isn’t an issue for me, or anything I ever think about.  Old age and dying are things I occasionally ponder, usually triggered by another person’s story but it’s not something I dwell on.  

Post # 18
Member
4663 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think dying is scarier than death. But on the whole I’m not worried about it. I was really lucky that my parents owned a care home for the elderly when I was growing up and as a result (I think) I have a pretty healthy relationship with death. As a child it meant we’d get a new friend. I’ve sat with and watched 3 people close to me as they were dying (2 grandparents and FIs dad) and I find the knowledge of the process comforting. Eg I know they’re probably going to “death rattle”, go through episodes of confusion and psychosis, and seemingly rally. My grandma even had her dog put down the weekend before she fell “ill”, she planned it. From my experience, in those types of situations (as opposed to traffic accidents or something awful), I think the person knows they’re dying and chooses the moment when. That’s why you shouldn’t stand vigil but give them ten minutes alone every now and then. I know all those people are at peace. And while we miss them they’re no longer meant for the world. What happens next? No one really knows.

Post # 19
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee

tiffanybruiser :  same here, I don’t really think about my own death, but I’m terrified at the thought of my husband dying young … or my dog dying cry

Post # 20
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

Thinking that some day I’ll be gone is kind of a relief, it would be much harder to find motivation to live if I knew it would just go on forever and ever. I’m not religious or spiritual or anything, for me death is very final and I’m more than fine with that!

Post # 21
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

So many thoughtful responses here.

Early 2018 was a really difficult time for Fiance and me. Several family members we were very close to, including his sister and my grandfather, died within a few weeks of each other and it’s been a long road towards healing. Fiance sought counseling, but during his second session, he was told that there wasn’t much that the counselor could do, as grief could only be lessened by time.

As for dying and death ourselves… When I was younger, I used to be a lot more philosophical about it. Now I have too many distractions to dwell on death, which I don’t think is a positive thing. It’s healthy to be able to step back from the minutiae and everyday battles and irritations and take a moment to appreciate how wonderfully complex and joyful and fragile life can be.

Post # 22
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

I forgot to add that death to me always seems tied to regrets. Regrets of not spending more time with a grandparent and hearing their stories, or regrets of not doing something more if the death was an accident or not natural. Knowing that life is finite helps keep my priorities straight. Do I really want to pick a fight over something minor with FI? When I’m on my deathbed, won’t I prefer that I avoided escalating into an argument and made a happy memory instead?

Post # 23
Member
8317 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’m like  Woody Allen , I’m not  afraid of dying , I just  don’t want to be there when it happens.

As for others dying, parents and dogs and cats,  well it’s hellishly sad and you never ever forget them. 

Post # 24
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

lauralaura123 :  I’m a hospice nurse (for the last 5.5 years) so I’m quite comfortable with the thought of death. While I would like to live quite a few more years, when it happens it happens and there’s nothing I can do about it. I do get a little anxious if I think of it happening sooner rather than later, but mostly because I have a lot of living left to do and I would be leaving behind my family (no kids for my husband and me yet though). 

On that note, there are many things I do/don’t want if I can control it. I have had a healthcare directive for over a year now stating very specific rules to how I want my health to be treated if something should happen to me. For example, if I would get in an accident of some sort that puts me on life support and I make no improvements in X amount of days (I can’t remember the specific day amount) with no brain activity, I want my organs donated and for my family to let me go. If I were to go into kidney failure, I only want dialysis done for X amount of time. If I have any condition that makes me short of breath and anxious (I watched my grandpa die with this, and many patients), I want all the morphine and ativan/sedation until I’m not short of breath anymore even if it means I am sleeping and not able to respond. I want my pain controlled, even if it means I am not awake much. I know there are a lot of other things I have on there, but basically if it means I am comfortable I don’t care to be awake…if it means it prolongs my life as a vegetable or without quality, I don’t want it. I want calm music around me and no one hovering over me as I die – yes I have told my coworkers I would come back and haunt them if they let my family do this, haha. 

We are nicer to animals when they’re in pain and dying. I want as peaceful of a death as possible. I know sometimes it doesn’t go that way but if something can be controlled, I want it to be. If I could go before my husband, I would….but that is something I cannot control. 

Post # 25
Hostess
8492 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

lauralaura123 :  The idea of me not being here doesn’t really bother me but I can’t even think for one second about my loved ones (and even my pets!) not being here because I get too emotional – so to answer your question, not very well! ha ha

Post # 26
Member
4559 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

therefore :  Sorry this has been a hard year for you both. 

I am a little agog that a therapist would flippantly say they aren’t able to assist as ‘grief is lessened by time’. That isn’t exactly how it works. There are lots of things to ‘unpack’ with the grieving process that the right therapist could help him deal with. Maybe seek someone else? 

Post # 27
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

lauralaura123 :  I worked in ER for long time and it never seemed to bother me. What bothered me was watching someone having to go through so much pain  and be kept alive because family couldn’t let them go. I think I fear that happening more then death. My fiancé is often kept up all night to afraid of dying. 

Post # 28
Member
3545 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 29th, 2016

lauralaura123 :  I just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread because my uncertainty about what comes next can be a real source of anxiety at times. I grew up with my mom and grandma who are very strong in their faith (Baptist) and never seemed to have any doubts about the afterlife and being reunited with our loved ones who passed before us. They didn’t force us to grow up in the church and neither myself nor any of my siblings were baptized. My mom reads her bible at night and my gram used to play her gospel music every Sunday afternoon. I lost my gram very suddenly last spring and I think everything surrounding that made me give more thought to my own death. I would love to believe in Christianity but the bible to me just seems like a bunch of improbable, embellished stories. I want to believe that I’ll see my grandma and other loved ones again. Very badly, in fact, but having no proof or no real way of knowing if that will happen or not wears on me. I believe that there’s some kind of energy out there that created all of us and I even will say things like, “I miss you, Gram,” whenever something makes me think about her because I believe that she can feel the energy… But I’m not really decided about how it all works or if that’s just what I want to believe. 

Post # 29
Member
710 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Jacksonville Inn

I’m a nurse and I’ve seen a lot of deaths but I’m not afraid of dying.  I worry more about dying pain free, at home with my family and friends. I do hope there is something more waiting for us at the end of our lives. Both of my parents are deceased, I like the idea that they have gone on to something else and are waiting for me on the other side. However, if there isn’t something else I suppose it will be like life before I was born. I was nothing, no consciousness and perhaps that is what we return to. 

Post # 30
Member
10020 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am a Christian with a very deep faith in God so I believe in life after death.  I fear the death of my loved ones more than my own, but I know I will see and be with them again after this life, and that is a comfort.  I have had, and know of from other people, a few so-called supernatural encounters, enough to further verify life after death, at least they verified it for me.

I find it hard to comprehend people who really believe they will just end.  I have a deeply instinctive belief that our souls never die or end, but are transformed in some way after death.  I even believe animals have souls that live forever, although I’m sure many other Christians would disagree with me about that. 

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