Post # 1
Wow, stress is really taking a toll on us…I know it’s normal for couples to argue, but lately it’s been really rough. I wish I could be happy where we are right now, but all I can think about is what the future brings. I know he has “a plan” and is looking at rings, but I have no idea when it’s going to happen and it’s making me an emotional wreck.
He hates living in an apartment, I hate living with my parents–we know we’re going to get married…I just don’t understand why he can’t just give me the ring for Christmas and we can call it a day? I know that sounds so un-romantic, but it just seems so logical given the fact that our only issue seems to be that we don’t live together!
We fight because I want him to speed up his “plan” & propose sooner since we know we want to be together anyways, and he wants me to cave in and move in with him before we’re engaged, so we can start house hunting NOW. Neither one of us will bend.
So we’re stuck in this weird, transitional mode that just feels so un-natural to the both of us. I know there is nothing else I can do at this point, but be patient and try to enjoy the moment. But it’s so hard, when you want something sooooo bad. And when you feel like your life will be completely different (for the better) when everything falls into place…
Just venting. Thanks for all your support girls. I am so happy I stumbled upon this site…it’s contributed to the little sanity I have left at this point…
Post # 3
I’m sorry, that’s really frustrating! Part of being in a relationship is compromising–maybe you can sit him down in a non-threatening manner and discuss things without getting into a fight? If you got a timeline on things, woudl that help? Even if he said “okay by February?” would you be able to leave him alone about it? Guys never like being rushed into proposing–it’s a big deal for them! I think most of us have had “those fights”…I know I have and now, looking back, I feel silly for trying to take away his thunder and being impatient about it. If you won’t move in with him (even though you know the ring’s coming) I think you’ll just have to sit tight and wait it out. It’ll be worth it in the end!!! I’ve had a few friends, also, who, once they stopped talking about the ring and engagement, the ring magically made its appearance.
Post # 4
Thanks, I know, you’re so right. I hope I can shut up about it. I know it’s not going to be any more than 6 months, but it seems so far away when you want something so bad. I honestly think I am going out of my mind…
It doesnt help that he makes wise cracks about me not moving in, which always starts an argument, because then I bring up the ring. He’ll say things like, “if you lived here…(fill in the blank)” and then I say, “THEN PROPOSE TO ME AND I WILL!” And then the vicious cycle starts again. It’s like a broken record, the same fight every weekend.
I wonder if last night we finally came to a resolve. I told him that I would do my part to not bring stuff up, but he needs to also do his and not make snide remarks about my decision not to move in.
I know it sux not living together (but seriously–what the hell is he complaining about? I am the one that is packing and going back and forth between his house and my parents house AND practically living out of my car and driving to his place all the time!!!)
Post # 5
i’m sorry! arguing is never fun! relationships are all about compromise, but i think if being engaged before you move in with your Boyfriend or Best Friend is important to you, stick with it! there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a real commitment before making a huge change in your life (believe me, moving in with your Boyfriend or Best Friend is not as easy or simple as a lot of people make it out to be!). but i think your Boyfriend or Best Friend needs to get to a place where he accepts that and stops pressuring you to move in with him first. i know going back and forth is a pain in the butt – i’ve been there – but he needs to be ready to move forward with you beyond just moving in together. i think ejs has a good point – maybe you can at least get him to give you a rough estimate of when he thinks he’ll be ready to be engaged. that way, if both of you can agree on a reasonable timeline, it won’t be the source of such tension for you both anymore, and that way, you can just have check-in – type conversations and it will be less frustrating all around!
Post # 6
Maybe stop staying over there so much? teehee. If you don’t really live at your parents house, you’re just making more work for yourself!
Post # 7
Good point–I suggested to him that I spend less time over there, but he looks at it as taking a step back…not sure what I want to do…
Post # 8
sometimes a step back is necessary to take two steps forward… or so i hear wise people say 🙂
Post # 9
Is there a reason that you won’t live with him until you are engaged?
Post # 10
I agree with this.
Since it’s so difficult, just maybe pull back a bit. He will get the message and you won’t have to argue. Don’t even mention it.
Post # 11
he might be picking fights with you to throw you offguard, so when he does propose, you are surprised?! Maybe I’m just a sucker for the “waiting” proposal stories. I agree, give it some space and some time, and focus on other parts of your relationship (going to church, Christmas shopping, dinners together, movie-dates, etc.) and don’t talk about moving in OR getting engaged. It will happen!! 🙂 Just be patient!!
Post # 12
I think that he should know by now to stop making snide comments if he doesn’t want you to get upset. Next time he makes a comment, just say, “I’m not the hold-up.” That way, you toss the ball back into his court and he will know that he should shut up. If he doesn’t stop making the snide comments, you need to calmly sit him down and say something, or you need to end the relationship because he clearly doesn’t respect you if he doesn’t realize how much it bothers you.
I say that you should focus on other causes of the stress. The entire cause can’t be that you’re not engaged (although I would believe that it is up to 90% of it, because it was for us) so maybe work on the other little things. If your problem is that you are constantly packing up and driving between your parent’s place and his place, either do it less, or keep a drawer and some clothes at his place to make it easier.
I also agree that you need a timeline – having a timeline definitely made me feel like it would be easier to deal with the waiting. If he tells you that he wants you to be surprised, tell him that he’s just going to have to work harder at making the actual proposal a surprise, because he has given up his right to have the timing be a surprise by waiting so long to ask. (I have extremely strong feelings on this.) I know that 6 months is a really long time to wait, and it’s okay to tell him that 6 months is unacceptable to you. Getting engaged is mutual and needs to be right for both of you.
Post # 13
I hope he’s asked by now or at least you have a timeline. I’m kinda in the same boat, but we are booking venues and vendors before he does the actual proposal. He swears it’ll be in the next few weeks, but the waiting has almost become comical at this point!
But if you are still having issues about this:
1)Ask him how he would feel if you did move in together and the whole time it just didn’t feel right to you. How would he feel knowing that he made you feel bad? (emotional reasoning)
2)Do a search on moving in together and divorce statistics. Yes, the divorce rate is higher for people that move in together before marriage (or engagement). This isn’t true of every couple that moves in together. But for guys that think more logically, this is a great point to make.
Post # 14
Oh hon read some of my posts, IN THE EXACT SAME POSITION. It’s like what is the wait? So okay I think if he thinks theres no rush I’m going to play it cool too. You know what they say about reverse psychology hehe. But it does drive me nuts in the meantime. Stand your ground and do not move in with him. Don’t become a wife without the ring!
Post # 15
In my experience men don’t react well to ultimatums, which is what it sounds like you are giving him. I think that you two should move-in together when it feels like the best step for both of you and not because it is dictated by one or the other.
Also it sounds like you two are obviously having a communication break-down. Communication is important in any relationship but especially once you move-in together. Those same issues are going to be there weather you are engaged or not. Have you thought about talking to a couples counselor maybe to just get you both in a position where your listeneing to one another and not constantly playing defense?