(Closed) More FMIL issues. Any advice is appreciated.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Um. Meddling much?

I think your SO is just meddling too much and trying to force something. And, he’s allowing his mother to do all this stuff anyways. When, in reality, he shoudl just say “ok i’ll talk to her about it” and leave it AT THAT. Or, be aware of what you’ve done for her and say “mom, you’re blowing it out of proportion. She always tries to help” or “hey, she’s not SIL”.

Personally, I wouldn’t allow myself to have a “sit down discussion with his mommy with him present to supervise the situation” b/c that’s how it reads. I would just continue to be the person that I am. Ask to help, etc, but not try to be someone I”m not in order to “fit” into the family better. Long story short, I’m not going to kiss a bunch of butt to fit into a family if he wants to marry me. I”ll be plesaant and nice, but c’mon!

He is worth the fight you say, but I don’t see him doing much for you except having an awkward conversation with his mom about how much she dislikes you/you’re not like SIL and then forcing some sit-down chit chats about how to make nice more.

And why did he ask you to call her on her bday anyways? that’s just weird to me. It’s not something I”d do….instead, Darling Husband AND I would probably take her out to dinner. But it wouldn’t be “expected” of me to call and leave a voicemail. Then him CHECK UP on the phone call and ask me to call again. Really, what is he doing? It’s very strange to me. He’s trying much to hard. He needs to chill and stop forcing it.

Post # 5
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

ugh, it irritates me to no end when a mother thinks she should be treated like the queen just because she birthed a son. I can’t even imagine what you are dealing with because I am fortunate to have a wonderful mother-in-law but I have read so many post on here about awful ones and it makes me so mad for you girls!

I fully agree with you that because you are still not engaged, there should be no expectations on you to wine and dine and fall all over his mother. Even after your engaged, no one should be expected to interview with a mom to marry someone. To be honest I wouldn’t have even called his mom to say Happy Birthday and apologize for not being there – it’s HIS mother, not yours. I’m glad you stood up to Mr. Taco and that he listened and is supporting you but he needs to get over his mom. This woman sounds manipulating and your boyfriend is in for a lifetime of misery and loneliness if he doesn’t start letting his mom’s comments and “requirements for his girlfriends” roll off his back. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First off, I think it would be great if you could get him to see a counselor with you. Not that this is necessarily going to be some huge ‘issue’ but often it’s great to have an impartial third party giving advice. I think maybe he needs to hear from a third party that he is marrying YOU, that YOU are his future wife and will be his primary family unit, not mom.

Second, I don’t know if sitting down and having ‘A Talk’ about FMIL’s issues with you is going to be that productive. It seems likely that this could just lead to a fight. Instead, I might lay out some very clear expectations with Fiance. What exactly does he expect you to do here? Be present for all family birthdays? Offer at least once to help in the kitchen when you visit? Maybe outline specifically what he expects so that you are on the same page, and it’s not this out-of-the-blue “I had no idea I was supposed to do this but now it’s a big disappointment that I didn’t” stuff. 

And maybe turn the tables a bit and put some of the onus on Future Mother-In-Law as well! Ask Fiance what she has done to make you feel welcome in the family or to put you at ease. It shouldn’t all be one-sided, i.e., what you’re doing for them.

Post # 7
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

This def needs to be a conversation and understanding between the Boyfriend or Best Friend and you, not his mother. It seems as though you are doing above and beyond what a Girlfriend should do. I would never have called my Fiance mom on her bday (nor do I do now that we are engaged!) You are not engaged, you are not his SIL, you are you and this mother is getting exactally what she wants bc your Boyfriend or Best Friend is letting her behave this way.

Good luck girl stay strong — do not become a person you are not for this man’s mother!

Post # 8
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I hope I don’t sound harsh b/c I really feel your pain…but it sounds to me like before your Boyfriend or Best Friend will consider you marriage material…he is trying to mold you into what his FAMILY expects his wife should be. You say he is worth fighting for but I am not reading where he is telling his mom to chill out…I am not seeing where he is accepting you for you. What I am seeing is him paying lip service to seeing your side while at the same time his actions are clearly telling you that he is siding with his family’s wants and wishes. You guys aren’t engaged so why are you having to make nice and have all of this interaction with his mom anyway? It just seems too forced to me. Before you continue the relationship perhaps you and he need to have a serious conversation about what your expectations are regarding your relationship.

Post # 9
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Ugh.  What does he say when you point out that you aren’t part of the family?  I wonder what his mom would say if you sweetly pointed that out during your dinner and how you were brough up to expect politeness from strangers.  

I don’t know, your Fiance has unreasonable expectations and one sided ones at that.

This isn’t real advice (would be disastorous in practice) but I’d be tempted to be a total rude bitch for a week or two.  Be cold to his mom, demanding, totally inconsiderate of his family commitments, rude etc. so he can see how you’re being very nice to his family – not something you have to do and they are the ones that are not returning the favor.  Ugh.  

Again not something you can actually say but I’d love to tell her during the dinner “I find it so immature when people speak badly of each other behind a person’s back.”  “I think it’s so impolite to complain about the gifts you’ve freely chosen to give.”  “It’s unfortuante how your behaivor makes me questions my desire to be with your son.” “Why would I want to be part of a family that treats me badly?” 

Post # 10
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Also, what are some of the ways he’s changing to suit what you want?  What are the major compromises he is making?

Post # 11
Member
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ok, just went back and read some of your old posts to get some more perspective on the topic. So Fiance is actually waiting to propose to you until his family sort of ‘approves’ you?

I dunno girl, this might be about the time I laid down an ultimatum or two for him. I usually advise against that but I think in this case it might be worth it to say “Look, I am interested in you, not in being at the beck and call of your family. You need to support me and want to marry me for who I am, or maybe we need some time apart.”

When ladies have a scary Future Mother-In-Law with a great, supportive Fiance it’s different, but if he’s also pressuring you to bend to his family’s whims then I would be worried. To be fair, this might very much be a cultural thing. Just know that whatever the root cause, it won’t go away by itself if you get married. Best of luck honey!

Post # 12
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

ummmmm…. Im a little confused. Why are you expected to help clean at her house? since when do you expect GUESTS to help you cook or clean when you invite them over? Is she disabled and need assistance in the house? ummmm…i think you might be setting your self up for a life of slavery dear.

Post # 13
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Sooo, he expects you to conform to what his family expects of you before he proposes?  And he’s holding this over your head, and you’ve only been dating for 10 months?

Wow.  Major flags all over the place with this one.  What is going to happen if you marry this man?  Will his family dictate how you raise your future children, or where you live, or where you go on vacation?  It doesn’t seem like your boyfriend (who I assume is roughly your age – early 30’s?) has disconnected from his family to live his own life.

Post # 14
Member
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Ok, how about this:  Stop trying to get Future Mother-In-Law to like you, just keep being polite, offering to help out, whatever, whatever…  Maybe you should try to spend more time with Future Brother-In-Law, and Future Sister-In-Law….sounds like Future Mother-In-Law loves Future Sister-In-Law.   If Future Sister-In-Law starts to like you, and talk positively about about in front of FMIL—wa la!  You may just suddenly have fixed some problems.

Post # 15
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t know what to tell you.  I really don’t know anything other than what you mentioned in the post above, but to me, it sounds like you have been really trying to do things to please her, make her like you, etc.

I see a few problems here that I don’t think are even in your control:

1). Future Mother-In-Law is making your Boyfriend or Best Friend chose her or you.  What I mean is that she is creating a rift between you two and making your Boyfriend or Best Friend chose what side he is going to be on.  Right now, it sounds like he is chosing his mother’s side.  Is this a bad thing?  Well, if you were engaged, then yes it is. BUT since you aren’t engaged and you have only been together for 10 months, which really isn’t that long, I think it isn’t that big of a deal if he shows over time that he is attaching himself more to you and less to her.2

2). Future Mother-In-Law clearly does not want to lose his baby boy.  She clearly thinks she is losing him to you so she is trying to create a rift and problems between you two when problems don’t exist.  You mentioned that Future Sister-In-Law has been in the family for 8 years.  This makes me think that over time, as you and Boyfriend or Best Friend are together longer and longer, Future Mother-In-Law will take more to you.

At this point, since you aren’t engaged and you haven’t even been together a year yet, I would express concerns to your Boyfriend or Best Friend about his mother causing issues between you two, but I wouldn’t get overly distraught over this.  Over time, see if she starts coming around and warming up to you.  She may be acting this way because she sees how serious you two are and is scared to lose her “little boy.”

I hope that things improve for you, but I in the meantime, just keep trying your best to make a good impression on them.  Good luck!!

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