(Closed) More guest list drama! Sister's boyfriend?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Am I in the wrong?
    Yes : (67 votes)
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  • Post # 17
    Member
    4815 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    It is your wedding and if you want to keep it intimate, then limit your guest list and enjoy the evening.  I hope those not invited will understand and respect your wishes.

    Post # 18
    Member
    2564 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Inviting a boyfriend does not open up a floodgate for single people to bring guests. Your sister is not single, she is in a relationship.  If your other siblings are in relationships but you are calling them “single” (like you now mention another sister with a boyfriend) they should be allowed to bring their SOs.

    This is a really touchy subject, and even though it seems simple enough to some people (it’s one night, you can leave the SO at home) people get really ugly about it.  There have been many posts on here and other sites where friends and families stopped talking to each other and ended relationships because SOs weren’t invited to a wedding.

    Post # 19
    Member
    12246 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I think you should invite him… He could wind up your BIL!

    Post # 20
    Member
    26 posts
    Newbee

    It is your wedding and if you want to keep it intimate, then limit your guest list and enjoy the evening.

    Post # 21
    Member
    508 posts
    Busy bee

    Would these same sisters insist on bringing their b/f’s to a family baptism? Sibling’s birthday? How about Great Aunt Gertrude’s funeral? If not, then I say let their b/f’s have a guys night on their own dime vs. cutting your preferred guest list or changing venues. Heck, who’s to say relationship status won’t change with half a dozen other guests between now and then … then what?

     

    @RunsWithBears:  “Yes.  SO’s should always be invited.  You budget for food, you budget for drinks, you budget for a dress, you budget for flowers, you need to budget for SOs.”

     

    @pixiecat:  “There have been many posts on here and other sites where friends and families stopped talking to each other and ended relationships because SOs weren’t invited to a wedding.”

     

    And there are just as many posts on here about how people should have the wedding they want and CAN afford,and in doing so, trimming headcount is the first thing that usually goes to manage to a budget. So where does one draw the line? It’s a balancing act no matter which direction you look at it. To include sister’s b/f might mean that OP now has to cut a life-long friend who she leaned on during hard times (maybe more than her sisters) and maybe introduced OP & her FI; or maybe cut the FI’s military brother who stood by him after their barracks were bombed in Afghanistan. Let’s see … go into debt so my sisters can bring their b/fs which means I need to pay for a bigger, more expensive venue & meal? If I can only afford to invite 35 ppl, do I instead cut out my siblings altogether since I can’t invite their SOs because to include them puts me over my affordable headcount?

     

    Or, how about little sis just try to reach into her pocket of selfless acts, and appreciate that her older sister would prefer to keep ONLY those nearest and dearest to her on this special, emotional day, and tell her b/f that they can have date night another time. This “entitlement” mentality needs to be removed from guests as much as it does the overbearing bridezillas, IMO.

    Post # 22
    Member
    732 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @Penelopeee:  We are also doing an intimate wedding ( 35 guests aswell) at a small herritage house and space is very limited. Even knowing this, my sister insisted on having her boyfriend  of about 6 months as a guest. I initially said no, because no one else in the bridal part did not have a +1 and it would be unfair and of corse the space issue. She then went to my mother and i got never ending phone calls and txts about how selfish i am being and cheap. Eventually I had enough and gave in because I couldnt handle the harassment anymore. So I gave her her plus one. If I could i would have said no. I think if its a seriouse relationship and their family then its different but my sister is 18 and they havnt been together long. I think you should just explain to her its an intimate friends/family affair and he has no reason being there. And dont back down

    Post # 23
    Member
    732 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @Penelopeee:  We are also doing an intimate wedding ( 35 guests aswell) at a small herritage house and space is very limited. Even knowing this, my sister insisted on having her boyfriend  of about 6 months as a guest. I initially said no, because no one else in the bridal part did not have a +1 and it would be unfair and of corse the space issue. She then went to my mother and i got never ending phone calls and txts about how selfish i am being and cheap. Eventually I had enough and gave in because I couldnt handle the harassment anymore. So I gave her her plus one. If I could i would have said no. I think if its a seriouse relationship and their family then its different but my sister is 18 and they havnt been together long. I think you should just explain to her its an intimate friends/family affair and he has no reason being there. And dont back down

    Post # 24
    Member
    7199 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @Penelopeee:  I am generally against the idea that everyone needs a plus one and feel you should invite whoever you feel comfortable with. However, if you’re both in your 30s and they’ve been together almost a year, that is most likely a pretty serious relationship. I mean, my SO and I haven’t been together a year yet and we live together and are already planning our wedding (though not “officially” engaged yet while he shops for a ring). I think your other siblings will understand the difference between “boyfriend of a year” and “random +1”. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    20 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2015 - Now Sapphire Resort

    @Penelopeee:  Standard wedding etiquette dictates that you should invite the significant other if a couple is married, engaged, living together OR been together longer than 6 months.  Think how you would feel if th roles were reversed…….  Of course, at the end of the day it is YOUR wedding and you should get what you want.  Just remember that by leaving out your sister’s SO you run the risk of hurt feelings that last a lot longer than a day.

    Post # 26
    Member
    3339 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

    Are your other 5 “single” siblings dating someone?  ‘Cause if so, then you’d definitely have to allow their significant others to attend as well.  This is a tough one because she’s your sister.  If she were anyone else, I’d tell her no.

    I don’t think we’ll be able to help you with this one.  You need to talk to your sister and find out how upset she’d really be if you don’t give her a plus one.  Will it make her not attend?  Will she stop speaking to you for 20 years?  Or is she willing to give it up so you can have your dream wedding?

    Post # 27
    Member
    508 posts
    Busy bee

    @JAXBCHKAY:  “Just remember that by leaving out your sister’s SO you run the risk of hurt feelings that last a lot longer than a day.”

    And think for a moment about the OP’s feelings if she has a person/people there who she does not know all that well, and doesn’t feel comfortable maybe sharing her emotions in the same way she would with ONLY those closest to her there … HER feelings about HER wedding day will also carry on longer than one day.

    This isn’t the case of another poster who’s brother’s fiance (now wife) snubbed her and her mom simply to be a controlling biatch and keep them away from their brother/son. If that were the case here, I’d be on board with saying OP was wrong. But she’s not … her reasons for a small, intimate event are because of the emotional day she & her Fiance anticipate, and I can appreciate and respect that; shame her siblings cannot.

    Post # 28
    Member
    2440 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @Penelopeee:  HA! A year is NO TIME to be dating someone! And less than a year does not automaticall qualify you to rearrange the rules for SOMEONE ELSE’S (very small, personal) wedding just because you can’t go a few hours without you’re most recent love of your life. Don’t change things up and add extra expense and stress just because your sister wants to feel validated in her relationship. She can deal.

     

    Honest to God, are there no grown ups with common sense anymore…? People can be so ridiculous.

    Post # 29
    Member
    2440 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @MexiPino:  see, but you guys live together. You’re talking engagement. It isn’t the year that defines your serious relaitonship. It’s your actions. It’s the evidence that you’re building the foundation for a life together.

    Post # 30
    Member
    1030 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    If she considers him to be very serious and her possible future spouse – then yes. If they are just dating and having fun, then no. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    7199 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @Asia:  Well that’s true. But even if we weren’t living together (and, honestly, I have ‘failed to mention’ that fact to my uber Christian family), we would still be “serious” and no one knows that we’re talking marriage. Still, even without knowing all that, my cousins still have invited him to small weddings, because they know I love him and assume it’s serious just because of that. I’m just saying— just cause they don’t live together/aren’t engaged doesn’t mean it’s not serious.

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